Should I ask for a divorce? ?

Question

I am 36 years old and I have been happily married for 11 years and I have 2 young daughters. My wife is a wonderful and caring person and I love her with all of my heart. My problem is a financial one. I have earned over 125k a year for the past 15 years and my wife has never had a job. We have been totally broke for the past 2 years and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. My wife has tried looking for a job to help but hasn't been able to find one. This year, we have lost our house, our cars and all of our toys and I can't figure out why. I have been making 10K a month and we are living paycheck to paycheck. I work 80+ hours a week so I know it is not me spending all of the money. And I know my wife has no hidden vices that would swallow up all of our money. I gave up this year and stopped paying all of our bills and I still have no money left over after every paycheck. I have tried to find out where it all goes but have come up empty. I often wonder if she has a secret bank account with a hidden stash, but I havn't found one. I am to the point that I want to give it all up and take a lower paying position with less hours so I can enjoy my life. Lately I think that being single again would make me much happier. What should I do?

Answer 1

You need to talk to her about it. You don't know for sure if she has been taking your money or not, although it does sound like she might be. You really shouldn't even be thinking getting a divorce after 11 years of marriage. Every marriage has it's ups and downs, but you need to get through it, not only for you and your wife but for your daughters as well. Maybe try going to marriage counseling and you guys can talk about your financial problems and what you need to do to fix them. If she is taking your money, then make sure YOU ration the amount of money she's getting every week. If she doesn't have a job and you're supporting the whole family you need to know where your money is going.

Hope this helps

Answer 2

The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?  A single life is not going to make things better.  Financially speaking, think of all the child support and alimony you'd be paying.  Don't get a divorce! Man up, take care of your family and try to start living within your means.  

Answer 3

i would start by doing my own banking

Answer 4

You know what?  It does not matter if you  have a family.  I have a family of 3 besides me, and we make about 35-40thousand a year.  That is not a lot of money.  You say that you make over 125thousand a year?!!!!  Where is my money, is what I would be asking.  You have lost everything?!  That is BS!! When you get home tonight you need to be asking your wife some serious questions.  Let us know if you found the stash spot.  She is a bored stay at home mom.  If she don't have anything to show for it, then she is probably planning to leave you because it don't sound like you are ever home.

Answer 5

I don't see how you can't figure out where the money is going? I mean do an accounting sheet of your income less your expenses and ask your wife where the rest of the money is? Start handling all the money yourself. Give her enough to get the groceries and gas and that's it if you think she is stashing any away. I don't see why your thinking about a divorce though if she isn't stashing the money. That's c**p that she can't find any job too. Being single will only mean now you have to pay alimony and child support.

Answer 6

Wow, that seems pretty unbelievable that with all that money you have no idea where it goes. Don't you have an accountant or something? I am not joking about that. Also, ASK your wife what is going on.

Answer 7

So you're thinking of abandoning your wife and children because you don't know how to handle your money?  Get a grip and start behaving like an adult.  Write down every penny you and your wife spend every day and watch it carefully.  Get your wife involved in the project.

We live on $48,000 a year and don't have any debts other than our house.

Answer 8

Well, how much is your house, utilities, vehicle payments, etc?

Most people default to living above their means. The truly rich live well below their means. It doesn't matter how much you make really, it's how much you are spending.

Go over with your wife all your bills and expenses. If there is unaccounted for money, she probably has knowledge of where it is going.

Chances are, she doesn't respect money because she's not had to work for it. Her getting a job wouldn't fix the problem at this point, but teaching her how to manage finances would.

The point to focus on is that if you're making $10k a month and only spend $5k a month, you'll be able to set aside quite a lot and after a couple years you'll have a nice house, nice vehicles, and you'll be able to work a more normal 40 hours a week while enjoying time with your family.

It could be that because you work so much, she is spending a lot of money to try and keep herself happy/occupied all day.  

Answer 9

Okay your making 125K, and you can't keep track of it.  You must be one of the biggest idiots on the planet, if you can't balance a check book, use automatic deposit for your payroll, have you bills directly paid from your account, and live on a budget.  I have no sympathy for a fool like you!

Answer 10

Divorce wont solve this problem. You need an outsider to review your spending habits. You really need to review the importance of "toys" you chose. Interest rates on loans vary and delayed payments can change  rate. If you don"t need it to survive cut it out of budget. Housing, food Clothing Transportation,Pay down current bills. Divorce is only an option if you are using this to find a reason. Solve the problem.

Child support will be based on your 125k, if your state allows spousal support look out. There's a reason they say its cheaper to keep her. If you two really still care, work together. People live on 12K a YEAR!

Answer 11

So, let me get this straight, you want to abandon your family because you can't manage your finances?????

You are the one who got yourself into this mess.  You need to TAKE CHARGE of your finances.  How can you NOT KNOW where your money is going???  That is insane.  If your wife is having spending problems then you give her limited access to the funds.

You don't abandon your family for reasons like this - it is when times are hardest that you need to draw on the love that is around you to get you through this.

Answer 12

No!

Think of Marriage and Finances as totally different things.

Dont ever EVER elt finances bring down your Marriage. That would have to be the weakest, stupidest and most shallow thing to do to you, your wife and your kids.

I know that you're Marriage is probably in the s**+ts right now, but you have control of that.

You can find out which locations money has been taken out of your account. I think you need to contact your bank that the account is run by, and ask them for the information.

Why give up? Giving up is so...lazy. Why are you giving up? What is that achieving? WHY? When you think about it, you're digigng yourself into a deepr hole by giving up. If you think THIS is bad, i'd start paying the bills now.

There is light at the end of every tunnel. If you say theres no exit, how did you enter it in the first place?

I want to let you know, that life will never EVER give you a dream or a goal, without giving you the ability to reach it.

Believe it.

I KNOW that you can get through this. You need to work together. If you are definitely sure that you're positive you're getting a divorce, please, not now. Maybe when you're back on your feet again, but dont do it now.

Its the absolute worst thing you can do right now, and will definitely put a lot of stress on your daughters.

My parents are half way through a divorce, and to tell you the truth, i thought it'd be a piece of cake. It really, really isnt. Im younger than you'd think, but regardless of age, it still hurts. And you might not think that youre daughters are hurting, but they really are. I should know because i have been there. I didnt like it one bit, and lost friends, self-esteem and happiness from the whole ordeal.

If you think you're wife has a secret account, you have every right to find out about it. This is YOUR money and YOUR hard work that she is stealing from you. She has ni right to do so, unless she has permission. Do what I suggested about contacting your bank.

Please, for the sake of your daughters, dont give up. I want you to try until you simply cant try anymore. This is your life, their life and your wifes life. But remember that your wife is an adult too. If she truly understands that there simply isnt enough money coming in, she needs to pick up her game and get a job!

I really hope everything goes alright, and please tell your wife and daughters that there is light at the end of the tunnel, you're just not looking hard enough :]

Answer 13

Get financial counseling, learn where your money goes and why you have none.

Answer 14

dont be silly u have a family now!!

Answer 15

There's something weird about this...

1st off, to make 10K a month and then you just don't know where it goes...you might should check your banks, find out what withdrawls there have been.

2nd - didn't you say in your marriage vows for richer or poorer. i hate hearing "maybe i'd be happier if i was single" when you marry, it should be for life. especially with kids in the picture. i know it may be tough, but stick it out for your kids, because if they see their dad can't handle it, what is it going to teach them??  

Answer 16

how the heck do you not know where money goes?

for your case go to local bank try to make an account if possible,wife not knowing, and send all you sallerry to this new bank, see where the money goes then, and for 125,000 a year you must have some big a$$ toys...

Answer 17

how the heck do you not know where money goes?

for your case go to local bank try to make an account if possible,wife not knowing, and send all you sallerry to this new bank, see where the money goes then, and for 125,000 a year you must have some big *** toys...

Answer 18

Ok first off no sir never say you would rather be single again if your wife heard that she'd be crushed - 2ed you let her get away without having a job for this long even if she got a job it would be low paying because she has been at home raising your children and taking care of the house while you have worked - and do you really think that a low paying job would help you out - I think you are leaving far to much of the story out theres no way with 10k a month your in trouble with money if you are then ask YOURSELF way I just cant see how that much money could be blown in a month and no one knows where it went - gas - bills - food? these are things you know - sounds like you just want out of the relationship - which is sad I bet your wife loves and thinks the world of you - man up be a good husband and father, stop thinking of yourself and your money - people like you make me mad -

Im sorry I just cant see how it could be possible that all that money disappears and you dont know where it went, Im sure your a smart guy and if you know you were running low you wouldnt blow it still - Im sure you save it, ok well this is all I have to say hope I helped -  

Answer 19

I think instead of  seeking a divorce, get an accountant.  One of you has poor spending habits.  If you get a divorce, most of your money is going to go to alimony and child support and you probably woun'dn't get to see your kids that much, and your xwife may get a new man.  Imagine that. So you would still be broke, but now upset, and lonely.  Someone needs to help the both of you, I think a financial consult is in order, try that first.

Answer 20

You said you are the one paying the bills so I don't know how you can't possibly know where the money is going.  Even if she had access to the money, don't you have a bank account where you can check the statements for unusual amounts of withdrawal?  I just find it weird that you would have no clue of all this unless of course, you hand her your entire paycheck and she does the rest.

It seems to me like a budgeting problem and even if you made 10k/month, you're both probably living beyond your means.  Leaving your entire family because you have no clue how to manage your finances is ridiculous.

Answer 21

I used to be a paralegal for a divorce lawyer.

EVERYONE involved is poorer after a divorce.  It will only make the situation worse.  Not to mention all the legal fees you'll have to pay.

Can your wife get a part-time job?  Can you create a budget and work with your wife to keep receipts so you know where your money is going?  I would suggest that the two of you visit a financial planner before you visit a divorce lawyer.  Especially since two children are involved.

Answer 22

by the way you are taking, i see no reason for you to want a divorce. You say you are happily married and you love your wife with all of your heart...but clearly you don't if you think you don't want to be with her.

I don't know if this is the case, but it seems to me that you are using the money situation as an excuse for a divorce; however, i don't think that this sounds logical.  If you go ahead and split up, you will still have to pay child support and spousal support until she can find a job.  You will have to continue to pay rent for your own place and if you decide to start dating again, you will be dropping big bucks on dinners, movies and flowers.  I just don't think it makes sense.

If you are concerned with the money situation, talk to your wife, write up a weekly budget and make sure it is stuck to.  There are ways to plan and work around financial troubles.  

If you are worried about your marriage, once again, talk with your wife. It isn't fair to you or her to keep your feelings hidden. your family should come first and if you love her, you wouldn't dream of letting her go.

Answer 23

I am not going to bash on you....but leaving does not sound like a very good idea.....your family needs you....start with talking to your wife...I sat down with our bank statement the other day and we were spending about $300.00 a month on fast food....never would have thought it was that much....so sit with her and all the bank statements...if you did not keep copies your bank can get them from you....just start going through them and work it out together....I really think there is a bigger problem but you need to start somewhere and that would be a great place to start....remember if you leave you also leave your children......do you really want them to grow up without you....calm down take a breath and start with the statements....things will come clear.  Good luck

Answer 24

WTF, dude?!?  You are 36 and you don't understand the basics of keeping track of your money?  Tracking income versus outgo is not that difficult.  Not using credit cards is not that difficult.  Don't spend more than you make.  Give your wife her own bank account for her own expenses so that you know exactly where all the money goes.  There is absolutely no reason to ever not know where your money goes.

Answer 25

Simply open your own new bank account at another bank...do not let your wife touch it. You aren't even home when the banks are open. In your old account put in enough money for food and neccessities. Then you pay all the bills. Your wife has had enough time around your money. Then, you pay the bills out of your new account. That's all I can think of. Have a good day.

Answer 26

B U D G E T!!!!

Answer 27

well I think it is illegal for your wife to misappropriate money,  but if you think you got money problems now,  have to pay child support for 2 kids  unless you get partial custody   and then paying alimoney and giving half to your wife can be costly

I would keep better track of my spending and my wifes  and talk about making necessary cut backs,  if she has a problem with it,  then you know what she is all about.

google   "child support calculator"   for your state  and find out what your mininum payments will be.

and that doesn't include spousal support.

Answer 28

ask her whats going on.

but a lot of people are having money issues.. economy and what not.

thats weird though..  if you get it direct deposited maybe its the bank.

I dont know though, I make minimun wage, part time and I aint broke =O

Answer 29

I find this quite an odd question, because if you are earning 125k you must be pretty smart and have a good job so how can you possibly not be able to keep track of where your finances are going? It isn't that hard!  Sit down with your wife, get bank statements, write down all your monthly outgoing bills (including groceries, morgage etc.) and figure out what is going on.  Have you left it up to your wife to pay all your bills and things? You should take responsibility for that, especially since you seem so confused about where your money is going.

You can quit your joint account so you have sole control of the money in a single account - then you could pay for the bills and give her an "allowance" in order to stay on top of things.  You would also be able to figure out why you overspend perhaps.

You dont seem to be communicating with your wife very well, and it doesnt seem a very trusting relationship if you think she might have a secret stash.  

Your wife and yourself are an EQUAL parternship even though she is not working in a paid job, because her job is raising your two young daughters - so you cant give her a hard time for not having a job.  Presumably now they are older she is looking which is good, but not her fault if it hasnt come to anything yet.  

You do seem to work a lot of hours, it doesnt sound great.  You could get a smaller house, sort your budget out and live on less for sure.  But first you seem to have a lot of family issues to sort out, since you aren't able to keep track of where your money is going.......

Answer 30

125K sounds like a bunch of money, but it really isn't.  Uncle sam gets a chunk of it and the rest is diced up a 20 different ways.  At the end of the day it's all gone.  

If you're interested, I made a cash flow tool using Google Docs that you can use to see how your money is flows through the month.  It takes a few minutes each week to update, but it will allow you to see if you spend $20 today, how that affects your bottom line in say 10 days.

Send me an email and I'll Google Doc Share it out.  Fix your finances.  It doesn't sound like your marriage is broke.    

  

Answer 31

umm...ask her whats going on!!!! duh! dont just assum ASK

Answer 32

Get marriage counseling.  Get credit counseling.  Don't give up yet.  Ask a friend to help you make and stick to a budget.  Cut up your credit cards.