Should I ask my ex-husband to get paternity test?

Question

I have been divorced for 10 yrs. I have always had a feeling that my ex-husband was not my sons father. My son now 14 and looking more like the guy I think is his dad. He is taller then my ex, and his features are strongly resembling the other man. Should I get DNA test from my ex-husband or leave things alone?

Answer 1

all i wanna know is who has been paying the child support?  

Answer 2

if your son has spent all this time thinking that your ex is his father, and your ex has spent his time doing his best to be a dad, doing father/son stuff, taking care of him, paying child support and such, then I say leave it alone.  you would hurt both of them at this point, and alienate them from each other.  the best thing to do is allow them this time to love and enjoy one another.  (not to pass judgment, but why did you not think or not act on the possibility that your son may have been fathered by another man when he was young? that would have been the time to do that.)  if your ex is not doing the things a dad should do, then think long and hard about it.  also, you may be able to get the other guy to take a DNA test and not tell your ex or your son.  you can discreetly get his doctor to do blood work and have it taken to a DNA center without alerting everyone to what is going on.

I'll tell you what happened when my step-dad died.  he and his wife had been separated for a while when she got pregnant.  there was no way that the kid was his, but because they were married, he was automatically given my dad's name.  my dad went to the hospital when he was born, and fell in love with him immediately.  he said that it wasn't the baby's fault, and that he would raise that child as his own.  they got divorced, and my dad took visitation, paid child support, and did everything a dad could to do make sure the child was happy and healthy, to the extent he could do.  my dad was laying on his deathbed when the child (who was 17 by then) was told by his mother that my dad was not his father.  when he asked who was, he was told that his biological father had been dead for a number or years.  suddenly, the boy was hit with a delimma, where "the man who raise me isn't really my dad, and my dad has been dead for years now.  who am I?"  it was really sad.  my mom, who is not his mother, sat him down and told him that his dad loved him enough to want to be there for him, and he IS dad.  it doesn't matter who fathered him, but who he looked to and loved as dad.  don't put your son through this.  if everything is good the way it is, and everyone is happy, leave it alone.  but make sure that you are aware of the other man's family medical conditions so that if something arises later, you will know how to equip your son with his medical history.  

Answer 3

If I were your son I would like to know the truth. It's not fair to your child in the first place. So yes is my answer.

Answer 4

It really depends what you want, and what you want to happen.  You should talk with a family lawyer before doing ANYTHING.

Here's the thing.  If a child is born within a marriage (which yours was), by law, the husband is the father.  So even if it's not biological, your ex is the boy's father.  Do they have a good relationship?  Does your son view him as "dad"?  If so, I don't think you want to disrupt that.  A child enduring divorce has been through so much, don't take his dad away from him, if he's a good dad.

Now if he's not a good dad, perhaps your idea has merit.  But what about the other man?  Is he aware that he might have a child?  Do you have any idea where he is?  He's the one you should be in contact with regarding the paternity test.  And is he a decent man... remember, this will be your son's father.  It will have a tremendous impact on him.

Then also realize that money will be involved, and this is why you really need to talk to a lawyer.  I have no idea, but it doesn't strike me as impossible that your ex- husband could sue you for 10 years of child support back again, perhaps with interest.  And there's no saying you'd get the money you need from the biological dad.  Who would this hurt?  You yes, but more importantly.... your son.

If you can, I'd consider keeping it secret until your son was 21, then only tell him.  As an adult, he would have some idea about what he'd want to do.  I don't know if it would make the financial issues disappear, but that's why you need to talk to a lawyer.

Good luck.