Should I ask my girlfriend first to marry me or her parents??

Question

My girlfriend has told me she wants to be the first to know about our engagement and does not want me to ask her parents first. I can understand this but part of me wants to be respectful and part of me knows this will be my future wife so i have to respect her wishes. I have head of asking the parents for their blessing after i ask her? I feel like am going to upset someone either way. I know her parents for over 5 years? What do i do????

Answer 1

ASK HER PARENTS! She already knows that you two have been talking, planning, etc about getting married ... You definately need to ask her parents because would you have her be mad for a minute or her parents (especially dad) hold a grudge of disrespect for a good part for a good part of your life?

Answer 2

I told my (then boyfriend) the same thing, that I would be mad if he asked for their blessing. Although we're very close to my parents and respect their opinion, I didn't think it was any of their business to say whether he should propose or not. So, he didn't. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and when we told my parents, I told them right then that I told him before never to talk to them about it before me. That way, they didn't have any hard feelings toward him. I would suggest doing it that way, and telling them the facts, so that they don't have any less respect for you!

Answer 3

Ask her parents out of respect for them.  Its not like ur really gonna listen to them anyway what they say, but it shows ur a true gentleman. Ask them to plz not say anything to her.  I am sure they   will respect ur wishes,   I dont think she will be upset.   I would be so happy i wouldnt care who knew and who didnt.  And if she does make a big issue of it....well good luck on the marriage!!

Answer 4

She has stated her wishes on this, and I personally can understand her outlook. Mine is that women aren't chattal, so they should not be treated as such. I am far from being feminist, but knowing history as I do, I know the true nature of the "quaint traditions" of our day. A man asked for a woman's hand in marriage because she was treated as a possession, and not given to choice of her own. My fiance' did not ask my father for my hand in marriage. Personally I wouldn't have wanted him to although he thought about it. My family situation is not so stellar, which means I wouldn't want him in that position. Besides, what a man going to do if the mother and father say "no"? Bow his head, walk away, and never look back? Doubtful. Making that a formality, a courtesy, nothing more.

I would recommend that you propose to her, and then together go and ask for her parents' blessing since it is important to you. You sound thoughtful and mature, so I see a good outcome =]

Answer 5

if her parents are old fashion i would ask them first because if

they don't like you then you are going to hate it when the in laws come to visit. and if you get angry when they come that could cause fights between you and your wife!

Answer 6

"My girlfriend has told me she wants to be the first to know about our engagement and does not want me to ask her parents first"

Well there you go.

Answer 7

Dont think of it as ASKING her parents, but informing. My partner informed my father of his intentions (though I think both parents is good too) before proposing to me. So it wasnt permission, but just to let them know that he was going to do it... they were really excited in the lead up and were ready when I called! I thought it was sweet, and not outdated (as it wasnt abour permission, but just bringing them in on the joy).

Just updating as somehow totally missed that she has told you that she wants to know first (not them). So go with her wishes!

Answer 8

Ask her parents first, but don't tell the girl you are doing it. Tell them not to tell her, either.  

I have to wonder why it is she doesn't want your parents favor in you asking her.  Sounds kind of childish to me.

Answer 9

Traditionally you ask her father's permission to ASK her. Then you ask her, and then you ask for his blessing.

I think she is being unfair to her father to deny you the opportunity to break with tradition. I know my father would have been upset.

Answer 10

talk to parents first. so it wont take them as a surprise.. and do something special to announce it to her...good luck... but their is nothing wrong with just asking her to marry u.. then both of u can discuss ur plans together..=)

Answer 11

How is it more respectful to ask her parents first?  This is outdated and are you seriously going to break up with her if her parents say no?  She has already told you what she wants.  There is not rule of etiquette saying you must ask her parents first.  So I think the answer is pretty obvious.

Answer 12

Ask her parents, of course.  That's the proper way to do it.  Plus it'll give you more bonding time with her parents.

Answer 13

Normally I would say that you should err on the side of cautious and ask the parents first if you are unsure.

However, she explicitly asked you not to and this would be going against her wishes.You will be married to her, not her parents. So while it is noble to want to ask her parents to gain respect, it is her respect that should be more important.

Going against her wishes may set a very bad precedent in this marriage and she may feel hurt, betrayed and very upset, and she would be right, because you would have gone against her request.

After the fact, you can always make peace with the parents, but chances are if she made this request, she knows what she is doing - after all she knows them better than you do!

You can always confide your fears to her and explain that you are simply worried they will disrespect you or not give you their blessing.

You can inform them after the fact and ask for their blessing WITH her, in which case she will do the talking. If she says yes, she will have chosen you and should respect you as their daughter's choice.

But ultimately, this marriage will happen with or without their blessing... unless your girlfriend is upset because you didn't ask her first!

Answer 14

i would say primary in your thoughts should be her feelings.  but, you should talk to her parents, in an adult manner, together, directly after.

just my opinion.

Answer 15

I would ask her parents first.

Due to the fact they are probably a little more traditional in this area as they are older than our generation.

In the end, it doesn't really matter if they know before her.

Answer 16

Ask her first. Afterall, she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, not her parents.  Believe me, you do not want to start off your life together not respecting her wishes from the beginning.  You will live to regret it.

Answer 17

I think it is the 21st century and if you love her you should abide by her wishes with this compromise -- you ask her first then the two of you as soon as possible go to them together.

Best wishes on your marriage!

Answer 18

yes , you may ask your gf friend first when she promised  . then your guys to ask her parents

Answer 19

you should ask parents first but you want to respect your soon to be wife. Maybe you can ask her in front of family. Or maybe you guys can talk to her parents together and then you can ask her a few weeks later, just so it will still be a surprise to her.

Answer 20

Well i shall tell you a little story... My partner also knew my parents pretty dam well too & he didnt ask my dad first he asked me out of the blue & i said Yes BUT i did tell him i wouldnt tell anyone or speak a word of it till he had asked my dad. To which he replied he was going to ask him but wanted my answer first. So he then got the courage to call my dad & ask him which my parents were totally over the moon about.

So after my parents gave us their blessing we could then tell everyone.

I think there is nothing wrong with the way that my man did it, im very traditional & my dad gave his blessing so to me it didnt matter that i was first or second to know.

Good luck to you im sure it will go well :)

Answer 21

Wow. You seem like a very mature and thoughtful person. My husband asked me first and then we kept it quiet until he asked my parents for their blessing. My father fully respected my husband for that and even now they have a fantastic relationship, same with my mum.

I respected my husband for asking for my parents' blessing. It kind of blesses the future of the husband and wife.

So I would recommend that you ask her and then ask her parents for their blessings. You seem pretty wise so I wish you all the best.

Answer 22

You are not marring the parents.

You should ask your partner first, then ask the parents.

This way you have shown respect to both your future wife and in-laws.

Good Luck

Answer 23

Ask your girlfriend to marry you first. That is what she wants. It seems to me to be an important thing for her. Respect that. Then both of you talk to her parents. Ask for her hand and for their blessing together. If you have known eachother for 5 years they should have a good idea of how you feel about their daughter.

Answer 24

If she specifically asked you to not ask her parents first - you have to respect her wishes - but when you propose make it clear that you would like to go to her parents place ASAP and give them the happy news in person, before anyone else. - Parhaps have a word with her parents then, that you would have liked to have asked but that you knew your fiance didn't want you to do that.  If they are offended, well, you can explain the situation and let you fiance explain to her parents why she thought the way she did...

Answer 25

i think you ask your girlfriend first,as you want to marry her and she ask not to go to her parents first

Answer 26

once you ask your girlfriend ask her if its ok if you talk to her parents and tell them that your going to be marrying thie daughter but you want thier approvel first

Answer 27

Maybe you could propose to her first, but keep your engagement a secret until you ask her parents.  Her parents will think that you respectfully went to them first, but she will actually be the first to know.

Answer 28

Ask her parents first as they will gain respect for you but tell them not to mention that you asked them first and to act surprised when you break the news to them with your girlfriend.

Answer 29

I'd say ask her first.  If she says yes, then you go talk to her parents together.  You be the one to do the talking.  Tell them how wonderful their daughter is and that she has agreed to marry you.  Then ask for their blessing.

Answer 30

Isn't it a nice tradition when the boyfriend asks the girls father for her hand in marriage.

Answer 31

My bestfriends partner was in the same sort of position. In the end he asked her to marry him first, but did not propose with a ring.

After he asked her parents for their permission he proposed with the ring and made it official.

This way everyone was happy!

Best of luck!