Should I attempt to repair my relationship with my future sister in law, or just forget it?

Question

Here's the situation: I have been dating my fiance for 5 years. In two months we will be getting married. His sister's husband stopped over one night out of the blue and major drama has unfolded since. Apparently she didn't agree with the fact that we were drinking in front of one of our friends kids (this was not hard drinking, basically sitting around a campfire having a few beers and our friends kids were around 5,6, and 7 years old) Additionaly people there were kind of razzing him about "been let out of the house" it's well known that she's pretty controlling. Anyway so he goes back and reports to her and now the drama has unfolded..... She left my fiance an email which simply said " I will not come to your wedding" He responded to her and said im sorry, we will miss having you there" So the can of worms has started to open. Apparently she expected a far more explosive response and now has taken this to new levels. She is trying to get her husband to drop out of the wedding and probably wont let her kids be in it. I can deal with these things, I suppose, but it makes me sad that she makes it seem to be MY FAULT that all this drama has unfolded. Her mother (my future mother in law) called me yesterday and was apologetic that she's being this way and it is a pattern in her life apparently, she told me she would like to confront her about her behavior, especially the trashing of me and my fiance all over town ( since im a pre school teacher apparently the two beers I drank in front of minors should be reason for my immediate removal from my job) But my future MIL can't do anything to try to diffuse the situation since it would likely result in her not being allowed to see her grandkids, which happend two years ago for a 6 month period) Im sad that my future husband and I will likely not be involved in our niece and nephews life, we have spent alot of time with them. My Fiance has never got along with his sister, he has said many many times that she is unstable and has caused alot of grief in his life. She is 8 years older than him and they are not close. However, they live close by and she would often ask us to babysit, which we always loved to do, even when she started kind of expecting it. I do not think this relationship can be repaired. She has made some really far out accusations, specifically against me. My Fiance basically has said that this is the last straw for him. He cannot deal with her anymore. I'm just sad about this. I get along with my brothers, we argue and yell sometimes and when we were kids had lots of fistfights, but twenty minits later were all good. When my oldest brother was married, I really really really hated his wife. I never told him and kept my mouth shut and wore that ugly purple bridesmaids dress with a smile, which was a good thing because I grew to love her like a sister. I just don't think this is possible with My fiance's sister. So should I just forget the fact that she has trashed me and him to anyone who will listen, or try to get her to come and support her brother in our wedding. He says it does not bother him, and basically good riddance to her, but it would kill me if any of my family refused to come. They certainly have a differnt family dynamic and maybe I should just leave it at this?

Answer 1

It is never easy, things which are easy often are not worth having.  As I see it you have two choices, you can ignor her and love your man for the rest of your lives, or you can follow her lead and lose everything including your man.

Answer 2

if i was you i would go and see her face to face, and just explain it all to her, and see how she takes it just be honest and dont hold back but dont get into a fight, but if she does get argumentive, just walk away,

good luck, by the sounds of it you need it lol.  

Answer 3

im really sorry you had to wear an ugly purple dress...

i really dont get why that always seems to happen

i got a really pretty dress in my brothers wedding

anywho...

if your friends didnt mind you drinking infront of her kids (i hope i understood that correctly) then your future sis in law shouldnt care

you can explain to her that you didnt mean to hurt her by doing this

and you didnt realize it would have such and impact on her

tell her that you wont drink infront of minors again or at least her kids

and see what happens...

let her know that you want all family to be there including her

but if she says no still... be understanding...

she cant prevent someone else going to the wedding... thats just rude

and talk to her husband about it... tell him that you dont want the issue to ruin the wedding maybe see if he can talk some sense into her

i really hope this helps

(just ps... i dont like my sis in law that much... shes really "know it all" type of person... and ill be talkin to my mom about an issue im having and she will butt in and ill ignore the subject till she leaves... i dont think certain in-laws are meant to be liked haha)

Answer 4

It sounds like your husband is handling this right so far.  His apology for her having such a hard time with the issue shows such grace and style that it's amazing.  No fighting, no accusations.  Just I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you.  I'd stick with that tack with her.  

I also wouldn't worry about what she's saying around town too much.  If your MIL knows how she is then it's likely that other people in town do too.  You were breaking no laws and were well within your rights to enjoy a drink with friends.  It sounds as if you were practicing responsible alcohol consumption which is actually a good thing for kids to see.  

The only thing I might add is telling her husband that you'll understand if he has to pull himself and the kids out of the wedding to maintain family peace.  Make sure he knows you don't want him to but maybe make the situation a bit easier on him.

Answer 5

You obviously haven't have enough. But I will tell you, there will come a day when you do. Normal people can only handle so much crazy in their lives. And will eventually have to sever ties, regardless of the consequence. Because the consequences are much less severe than the upheaval mentally unstable people bring to you. You'll eventually see that she is using her kids as pawns to keep family in her life. i.e. your mother in law and her husband. If it doesn't bother your husband, then don't let it bother you. Sure you may be able to repair it this time, but it won't stop her from finding something else against you in the future. Or god forbid your children when you have them. Cut your losses now and be done with it. Or at the very least, never confide anything to her, she'll eventually use it against you. Always just keep them at telephone call lengths away. Don't spend any more time than you have to...holidays, birthdays, family reunion.

Answer 6

don' t bother, sounds like someone needs to put her in her place

Answer 7

Well coming from a therapist's point of view I would do what you are doing and continue not to engage in her negative behavior.  The more withdrawn you are the more her real behavior and personality comes out, hence, she is her own worse enemy.  Then I would set up some future boundaries for your dealings with her.  Know where to cross the line, both you and your husband.  She is always going to be there and no matter how many times you attempt to help her she will do what she wants to do.  It appears she is a chaos junky and thrives on attention whether it is negative or positive.  That doesn't mean she is a bad person, it just means she is imature.  It sounds like she has alot going on with herself personally.  It's easier to focus on external factors such as other people rather than work on herself.  Because you are acting like the adult you are, you may even teach her how to be a lady.  Your fiance doesn't have to like his sister, we don't get to pick family, he does need to keep some form of a relationship with her.  My ultimate suggestion is that all of you get together and set some strong boundaries together and then all stick to what is decided.  I wish you luck.  Congrats on your wedding.  I am getting married this Saturday.

Answer 8

Negative people are just that and most of the time live to make others look as bad as they feel. Nothing you can do to changer her, don't try.

Drinking in front of children is something I don't agree with. Be it a beer or a light cocktail. It was your choice. Think about it dear, you are a teacher and an example to the children around you. Yes teachers are not perfect but choose next time to do your drinking away from the eyes of the children you want to teach.

You are marrying her brother, not her. Therefore she does not have to be a part of your life or your plans if her behavior continues to be toxic toward you. Nothing wrong with letting her know her behavior is toxic and you do not have to tolerate the toxicity of it in your life and you choose not to and bid her farewell.

Now, go back and think about the drinking thing all over again and be responsible.

Answer 9

There is no way I would want her to even attend my wedding.  I would be afraid she would cause a scene and ruin your special day.  Its sounds like she could be bi polar.  Has she ever been checked for a mental disorder.  If she is, then medication could help her and it sounds like help her poor husband and family even more!  Anytime anyone (including family) tells you what she has said or is doing I would just shake my head and say that you really feel sorry for her because she obviously has a problem.  I would just stick to that.  That way she can't feel justified by reacting to your comments.  Good luck and try and enjoy your wedding.  It sounds like you fiance is a stand up guy that is upholding his wife which you have no idea how rare that is.

Answer 10

You're dealing with a lifetime of built up feelings and dynamics between your husband and his sister. It's wise to steer clear of it and let your husband deal with is family, and you deal with yours. I know it's hard to do, but it's a policy my husband and I have adopted that has allowed us to avoid some pretty sticky situations. It's too bad that his relationships with his family affects your relationships with them, but it's just the way it is.

I have to say that I too, disagree with drinking in front of children.  

Answer 11

I don't believe in drinking around children either.  Just because your parents did it in front of you doesn't make it right...obviously you didn't learn anything from it.  It doesn't matter what kind of alcohol you consume it is still alcohol.  As far as your future sister in law and her husband go, you shouldn't have teased him, period, it obviously caused problems between him and his wife and teasing him about being "controlled" was just plain immature of you all, an immaturity probably brought on by the drinking.  You wanna "get real"?  Here ya go, the alcohol in those 4 drinks you have on a Saturday night doesn't dissipate from the body for 72 hours.  So you still have alcohol in your system on Monday morning.  Would you want your children getting on a school bus Monday morning with a driver who had alcohol in their system?  Yeah, get real.

As for your relationship with your sister in law.  I suggest that you face her and tell her you are sorry and leave it at that.

Answer 12

I think that you should do as you have been doing, be the bigger person, and if your inlaw comes around she'll come around. But if you start arguing back with her, and yelling back with her, then it will just spiral out of control. Keep on the track you are now, and it will either work out or not, but not to any fault of you.