Should I back off? or should I keep trying? It just makes me sad : ..o (?

Question

It's been a year since my sister and I reunited. I went to see her at school for cinco de mayo. We had a good time even though I was sick.

She avoided my calls and texts for 9 months and then she texted that I can call her.

I did and we met for dinner. We planned to get a pedi and dinner again, but she never showed or called. She said that she didn't get my text that I was there waiting for her.

Now she hasn't called or texted me back since then.

Should I just quit trying? I'm not sure what's going on with her.

It kinda feels like she is punishing me for my dad "abandoning" her (not fighting hard anough for her) but getting close and then ignoring me.

I missed her so much over the past 20 years. I guess it only goes 1 way there. What could be going on? It's so confusing.

Answer 1

I have no experience in these matters because I have no siblings.

But maybe you could just come out and ask her, in a delicate way.....perhaps she is struggling with some personal problems. Or perhaps the emotions she feel about your shared past can we quite overwhelming and she is attempting as best as she knows how to cope.

Maybe writing a letter explaining how hurtful it is not hearing from her months at a time. But also stress that you care for her and that you want to keep the communication going.

This must be so hard I am deeply sorry for both of you.

Answer 2

Only she would know the answer to your question. I think instead of pedicures and dinner it sounds like the two of you really need to sit down and have a deep conversation. Clearly she is feeling something, but as to what that is, it may be a multitude of things....put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel. Do you have a good life? A good childhood? Imagine that she sees that every time she looks at you. That would be very hard, as she missed out on that same life and memories. Regardless of how wonderful her own situation was, it still wasn't where she was supposed to be in her mind....so there would obviously be issues with that. I really think you need to be nonjudgemental, try to contact her, and see if she is willing to talk about these issues....about what is really going on with her. You don't say, but I wonder what your dad's relationship with her--if any--is like with her now? So many factors play a role in this.....right now, you just need to be a good friend and good listener.....be supportive of her and honor her right to greive over her great loss.

Answer 3

If I remember right - your sister is the adoptee - yes??

She's showing fairly typical push and pull characteristics of an adoptee.

Adoptees are so very worried about being abandoned a second time - they sometimes sabotage their own relationships - as if to prove themselves right.

They think that they'll get hurt - so go out to hurt and leave - before it gets done to them.

(hope I'm making some sense)

As an adoptee - I'd say - just keep trying with the contact.

Deep down - she's very troubled - and just wants to be accepted & loved.

She probably just doesn't know how normal relationships work - because in her mind - from such an early age - she's learnt that those that are meant to love and care for her - end up always leaving her.

Prove her wrong.

Stick by her.

It's so not about you.

Try not to take it personally.

Adoptees are just messed up peeps - and can often find it hard to know what a 'normal' relationship 'looks like'.

Sending you hugz - and hoping that one day - you can both have a normal-ish relationship.

Answer 4

Maybe stay in touch with through letters, e-mails, or text messages. You can send messages that don't require her to respond if she is not up for it. Then your expectations wont be up and hopefully your feeling wont be as hurt if she doesn't reply and she will not be able to punish you because you wont be asking for anything in return. You can give her updates on your self and let her know you are thinking of you. Keep the line of communication open and when she is ready she can take your relationship up a level.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Send her a letter telling her how you feel. Explain to her that no matter what decisions were made on her behalf they were not your decisions and you would love to have a relationship with her. Tell her you do not really understand and that it will be up to her if the two of you have any further contact. Then let it go. You will have put the ball in her court. There really isn't much else you can do. But be honest in your feelings toward her and your situation. Tell her how much you love her and miss her and see what she does with that info.

Answer 6

OMG that is so sad honestly i havve the best i mean best sister relationship with my sister she is my best friend. Your sister will come around! When she realizes that she has you and that you love her a lot trust I bet not a day goes by where she thinks about you! Its just hard but be patient! :)