Should I be hurt or do I need to get over it?

Question

Ok so my best friend just got engaged a couple of months ago, we have been friends since we were 3 years old, I am now 26 years old. So anyways I have helped her out a lot with decorations, I even went with her to try on wedding dresses. So about a month ago she said to me that she wasn't going to ask anyone to be a bridesmaid in her wedding until August (a year from her actual wedding date) except for her sister because she is the Maid of Honor. So anyways just a while ago she told me that her fiance wanted her to have his 2 sisters in the wedding, and she doesn't know what to do cause she is not that close to them. I told her she could give them jobs in the wedding such as candle lighters, or ushers...etc. Well just a while ago she told me that I was not going to be one of her bridesmaids because she was just going to have family in her wedding (her sister as her maid of honor and her fiances sisters as her bridesmaids). This really hurts because we have been best friends for so long, I had her in my wedding as one of my bridesmaids, also my husband is friends with her fiance and is one of the groomsmen in their wedding and my one and only daughter is the flower girl in the wedding. So my whole family is in the wedding except for me, and we have been best friends for many years. I am so confused and hurt, how could she do this?

Answer 1

I don't see why another bridesmaid would be a problem.  She should stand up to her fiance and his parents and say she wants her best friend as a bridesmaid too.  What a great start to the marriage - bowing to the wishes of her mother in law!  I'd be hurt too.

Answer 2

I understand why you are feeling hurt but I wouldn't let it get to you too much.  I would talk to her about how you are feeling though since you two are so close.  Maybe you could be her personal attendant so you could still be in all of the action of the whole day.  I'm sure it's not personal.  Talk to her so it doesn't turn into resentment though.

Answer 3

OMG there is no EXCUSE for her not wanting you to be in the wedding.  Doesn't she realize how much of a jackass that makes you look like? (no offense) but why have your husband, child in wedding but not you? Seriously I would probably expect my husband to back out of it and in your defense say something like "My wife is very upset she was not asked to be in the wedding and I wouldn't feel right being in this wedding WITHOUT HER " but let your child be in it because children have nothing to do with it.

Answer 4

You have every right to be feeling hurt!  For knowing her for that length of time you should already be considered family.  Also involving your family in the occasion is just plain mean.  I would take her aside and talk to her about this, you don't want this to get in the way of your friendship and she has every right to know how you feel.  Take care xx

Answer 5

Well, she did give you some way to be in the day. She is marrying him, and right or wrong, she has to start off with her new sisters in law on the right foot (i think you are right, she was pressured) She is stuck with them because she is marrying their brother. As hard as it may be for you, and I know it would be hard for me as well, you need to be there for your friend.

She also is giving you what i think are really the best jobs. Sleeping over with her and helping her gert ready is a beautiful honor and the fact is you can really give a wonderful toast she will never forget.

So you are inculded, just not the way you would have liked,  

Answer 6

she loves you as her best friend.  i know this because she came to you and was completely honest and upfront with you.  if she did not feel love and a strong bond of friendship with you she would have been deceptive and evasive about who is in her wedding.  

should you feel hurt. no, no and no.  she cant help it, hon, she has to have family only and it is certainly not a vote against you.  it is merely what she has to do.  you are still her dear dear friend.  

i have decades of experience in this and a huge family and have seen it all and i can tell you truly that she has to do this and so hopes you still are her dear friend and will be gracious and understanding of her position.  

Answer 7

well it seems as if she only wants family, until you find out about your husband and daughter. now it just seems like she is intentionally leaving you out. but you have to think this is her wedding and maybe this is how she wants to remember it. i really don't think that you have anything to worry about unless she is ignoring you or she ignores you after the wedding.

Answer 8

Why you shouldn't be unhappy:

-- you can wear what you want

-- you can leave when you want

-- you don't have to buy a dress you will probably never wear again

-- ditto shoes

If your best friend has already said that you're her best friend and that if she had a choice you would be a BM, then why do you need everyone else to know it?  Your relationship with your BF is between you two - both of you know how special it is.  You don't need to be a BM in order to know it.  You aren't a "better friend" just because you're in her wedding.

As for her relationship dynamic with her fiance, that is between the two of them.  It's none of your business when it comes right down to it.  If she has chosen to compromise with him on her attendants, then that's her choice.

Your best bet is to just get over it and be there for her in any way you are willing to.  She doesn't owe you anything, and you don't owe her anything either, so don't make it about "paybacks".

Answer 9

hey its her wedding. get over it.

Answer 10

Um.  May I gently point out that this is her fiance's wedding, too, and that if he wants his sisters in the wedding party, he has every right to expect them to be included?  You can't fault her for including them: they will be her family after the wedding.  

As far as feeling a bit hurt that you weren't included, too: I can understand that.  But, you really need to get over it.  It's neither wrong nor unusual for people to have just family stand up.  She has made it clear that she cares very much about you.  Be there to support her.

(For the record, my husband and I had just our siblings in our wedding, even though we each have friends that we've known since the second grade.  None of our friends were upset about it.)

Answer 11

I think she's being pressured into having his sisters as her bm's. I think you have every right to be upset, but what can you do to be honest? I think going over there the night before would be the best way for you all to bond, and to keep her calm cool and collected while shes' getting ready. she's going to be a nervous wreck. I would be there as her friend, confidant, and her should to boohoo on if she needs it. I hope this helps.  

Answer 12

I understand that your feelings are hurt, and mine would be too.  But, the sooner you do get past this hurt this the sooner the rift in your friendship will heal.  After all, she was up front with you about a lot of things and seems to be making it clear that she values you and your friendship.  I also agree that his family pushed her to have his sisters as bridesmaids and sadly, that often is the way it is.  

Answer 13

i think that if you are close friends, you should be able to talk to her about it and tell her how you feel... keep in mind though, that this IS her day... and if worse comes to worse, just let it roll.. just remember this when she goes to have a baby shower or something similar...  

Answer 14

Talk about being inconsiderate, we could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being controlled and too feeble to stand up for what she really wants. After all she is the bride and in all due respect the bride ususally has more to say about the wedding, especially who she wants for her attendants. I personally don't get it, you are like a sister to her, I am also a little surprised that the groom being your husbands' friend has not thought you should also be a bridesmaid. Sure hope she realizes what a great friend you are and does something wonderful after the wedding to show her appreciation. I think it's great that you have looked for the positive and not let it ruin your long time friendship, and by the way you truly have a right to feel hurt hope that feeling for you doesn't last long. Good luck and hope you enjoy the wedding.

Answer 15

Sounds like hubby to be was a big influence on her decisson. Nonetheless, you should be considered a part of her her family. If I were you I would talk to her about how you feel.. I wonder how she would feel if you decided not to show up at her wedding. Why not, it's like you're not going to be there any way. Ok that's just the evil *B* in me.  

Answer 16

If I'm honest, I'd probably be hurt too.

Trying to see it from her point of view though, perhaps she really is trying to keep the number of bridesmaids down, and you don't know how much pressure she was under to have her fiances sisters when she only really wanted her own sister as a matron of honor.

It's nice that your daughter is being the flower girl, that's a lovely thing to be asked to be. I expect your friend really does want you to be there and part of the wedding, and is just under lots of pressure to have it as family only.

Try not to let it get you down, even though I can understand your confusion and hurt. Try to focus on the positives to not being in the actual wedding party - you'll be able to video your little girl, and be there for her if she wants a break from the official photos for a while!  

Answer 17

Although your feelings are deeply hurt, and you are probably feeling left out, continue to be the good friend you have always been.  With all this drama starting at the beginning of the planning, and still a year to go, your friend is going to need your commitment and support.

Something similar happened to me.  My maid of honor  and I planned our weddings together -- she married two months later.  The entire time, she told me that I would be her matron of honor, my children were her flower girl and ring bearer, my husband was the best man.  Well, I found out when we went shopping for Bridesmaid dresses that I had been overruled by her fiances family.  It felt strange to sit in the pews and watch my entire family be a part of the ceremony.  But, she and I continued our friendship, I helped clean up after the reception, and it didn't take long for "life" to overshadow the hurt I felt.  It's been 23 years now, and we're still good.

Best wishes.  

Answer 18

I would be very hurt too!!  You definitely have a right to be upset about this.  By now, you SHOULD be considered family to her.

Answer 19

The lady has a lot of pressure on her, Why not just add a lot more pressure and see if she breaks?

Or, you could do the really adult thing and see what you can do to persuade her to stand up better to pressure. You can not do both, of course. Because if you start applying pressure while guiding her to resist pressure, she should take you guidance and resist your pressure too.

Concern about your being hurt? You know you have been, already, the real question is how you are going to stop feeling hurt, how you are going to get your own feelings back on track.

It will never matter now what she does, because if she responds to your pressure, you will still be hurt because she needed the pressure to 'do the right thing'. But the right thing is not to include you in the wedding party it would have been to stick to her guns and not add those extras after starting down the road to a super-simple ceremony. Why? Because she would have kept to her own decisions, not bowed to pressure from anyone.

Answer 20

I honestly think that you should talk to her about this. You can tell her that it hurt you that she didn't put in her wedding but she doesn't put you in hers. I think that her finance told her not to put you in the wedding because he supposedly thought that you didn't want his sisters to be in the wedding. Please go and talk to her and her fiance about this you should be in the wedding. If she still doesn't let you I know this will hurt but you need to tell her what you think. I really hope that you'll be able to walk down that aisle and have the joy to know that she's still your friend.

Answer 21

You should be hurt, your husband is not her family, that is soo dumb, kinda selfish too.

Answer 22

Sometimes people get pressured into picking people different than who they truly want. It sounds as if it was important to her FI for her to have his sisters in the wedding.

Although you feel hurt,  I would try not to take it personally. I think giving the toast is a special honor.

Answer 23

just tell her whats going on and how you feel me personally i would feel uninvited and i wouldnt even show up to the ceremony

Answer 24

I think what she did is messed up  and you have the right to be upset. I mean I understand the fact that she wants family but at the same time she promised you and you help her so she owes it to you.

Answer 25

She is probably being pressured into having his sisters and doesn't want to start a family fight. Be understanding and help her with her wedding.