Should I bother going to my SIL's wedding?

Question

I got engaged back in Dec 2007 with a wedding date set for Sept 2007 and my MIL asked me if her daughter could be a part of the wedding entourage (bridesmaid). Since she and my fiance grew up together and were close, I didn't see why not, so I went and asked her and she said okay. My MIL told me to make sure the length is long and it is strapped vs. strapless. So I took that into consideration.

Around June, 4 months before the wedding, my MOH and I started shopping for the Bmaid dresses. My sisters (2) and my MOH wanted strapless and tea length. I told them no because I have to consider my SIL. She was like a size 10 or 12 and I had to think about her to make sure she's comfy with what I'm planning as a Bmaid dress. When my MOH and I found the look, I was happy with it. The only problem was the back exposure, but I think it could be remedied with a sash or jacket.

FYI : My fiance and I lived with her and her bf in the same townhouse.

Saturday morning, I showed my SIL the dress. Then explained to her that she can cover it up with sash or jacket. She said she'll look at it. Well, the same night, I saw my fiance and the paper I showed his sister earlier. I asked if there was anything wrong. My fiance said that SIL wants to back out. I was like WTH!?!?!

First of all, She told my fiance, she did not tell me DIRECTLY. To me, that's just RUDE. Second of all, she gave no reason for backing out. Could it be the dress, then that is ridiculous. It's my wedding, so I should be able to tell how I want my bmaid to look like! and THIRD, I have 3 Bridesmaid, 1 MOH, 1 Best Man and 3 Groomsman. My fiance had the gall to tell me that he can kick one of the groomsman out so it's evened. I was like that's disrespectful. You just asked a person to be part of it and now you want him to drop because the bridal party is uneven? I REFUSED to do that. Instead I asked my cousin to take her place and luckily she did.

Thank god we were in the middle of production of the program that I had to halt it and find a replacement. I'm very lucky that my cousin was able to step in and take her place. I considered their dress and thought about going strapless and tea length like they wanted, but I didn't want to give my SIL the satisfaction that I changed it FOR HER.

SO since that incident, I've ignored her and totally make her look like she's invisible in any presence. IF she's eating with us, I would just pretend I don't see her or just eat up fast and walk away from the table. I stopped sharing with her my wedding plans and all that. It's like she's nothing to me.

A month after the wedding, my fiance and I moved out of the TH and moved into a house. Since then I have no reason to pretend anymore since she's not around the house anyways.

Now here's my question: She got engaged a month after my wedding. Her wedding is set for OCT 2008. Should I even bother coming to her wedding? My friend's birthday is on the same day as her wedding, and I seriously considered bailing the wedding in favor of the birthday, but that is my husband's sister, and he wanted me to be there because half of his family that did not attend our wedding will be at her wedding and it's an opportunity for them to meet me as his wife. I don't have any desire to talk or repair the relationship since what she did is something I would NEVER ever do to anyone if they ask me to be their bridesmaid.

What do you think?

Answer 1

Wow.....all that over a stinking dress?  Geez.....  

You never mentioned once that you asked her directly why she was backing out.  Obviously, she had a reason, but you failed to show any respect for her and ask.  Take a chill pill and go to the wedding.  No matter how much you want to deny it.....she IS your sister-in-law.

Answer 2

I'm sorry if this is going to offend you, but you are terribly immature, selfish and self-absorbed.

I can see you being a little upset that your SIL backed out of the wedding. It was a bit rude, but considering your attitude, I might understand why she decided to speak with her brother about the manner and not you.   Secondly, you're acting like she committed double murder.  She didn't want to be in the wedding, she told her brother in a timely manner and back down.  That stuff happens.  But, you seem a little controlling and a little overbearing.

I"m shocked that your husband allows you to treat his own sister like that.   There is no reason to strain family ties over her backing out of your wedding over a year ago.

You talk extensively about how offended and disrespected you felt when she back down.  But, you are doing something even worse by refusing to attend her wedding.  You are being s****., self-righteous and rude.   If my brother's future wife EVER treated me like that, she would be HATED in my family.    You just don't treat ANYONE like that.  

She didn't do anything major regarding your wedding.   You found a replacement and life when on.  But, refusing to go to her wedding is down right nasty, vindictive and rude.  You will tarnish your name with your in-laws and cause further tension.

I think you are also disrespecting your husband by holding a stupid, silly and childish grude against his own sister.    

Honey, you have your whole live ahead of you.  You've got two families.  You have your own and you have his.  You have to deal with his and make the best.  You have decided to start World War III, which is really stupid on your part.    Please grow up, smell the coffee and talk to your sister.  Go to her wedding and learn to be nice.  No one likes the ***** sister-in-law!!!!  It will come back to bite you in the butt.

Answer 3

What do I think?

I think that your sister-in-law and your mother-in-law will be part of your extended family for the next several decades which makes it worth your while to work on building a strong mutually supportive relationship with them. Such relationships are based on communication, which depends on people being willing to talk and repair relationships -- skills that you will need to practice for future use communicating with your husband -- so that your marriage DOES last for several decades.

I think that a mature response, when your husband told you about his sister's wanting to withdraw, would have been to approach her then and find out what her reasoning was. It might not have been the dress at all -- it might have been, as one previous poster suggested -- that you were ... petty.

I have a challenge for you, if you are up to it. Re-read your sixth paragraph: the one that begins "SO since that incident, I've ignored her ..." and imagine your husband reading it, and thinking about what kind of a heart his beloved wife must have, to treat his sister in that way. Is that the picture of you that you would want him to hold in his heart? If not, then perhaps you should work on becoming the person whose picture you *would* want him to hold in his heart.

Answer 4

You should go to the wedding - as you said, it's your husband's sister and to not go to the wedding because she was uncomfortable about being in your wedding is not that great a reason.  If you don't go to the wedding, it will make it even more awkward between the two of you, but if you do go to the wedding, hopefully it will begin the road to recovery of your relationship.  Also, I think you should probably get over the fact that she didn't want to be in the wedding - her reasons were probably because of her own issues and nothing to do with you.  It's not good for you to carry around all that anger, and I'm sure you'd feel better if you just let go of it.

Good luck :)

Answer 5

While you have every right to be angry you are being slightly immature. Yes she was immature as well for what she did but why sink down to her level? I'm not saying repair the friendship but you should at least be civil to her for your husbands sake. You are now a part of his family, there's no escaping her now especially since she and your husband are close. He probably doesn't say anything but I bet you anything the fact that you two are acting like this to each other hurts him a lot more than you are hurting her. Go to the wedding and be civil to her, for your husbands sake.

Answer 6

I think you were/are being incredibly immature about the whole thing. Seriously, all this drama over a DRESS?!  You will be invited to the wedding since it's your husband's sister, and you will look even more immature to everyone (than you do now) when you don't show up.

It was a year ago, get over it and accompany your husband to this special family celebration.  You realize that probably everyone on his side of the family thinks you are acting like a child (because you are), and not going will make you look even worse.  That's a great way to start a marriage, burn all your bridges with your in-laws....

Just go the the wedding and feel like the "bigger person" because you graced her with your presence.  Then burry the hatchet and start working on repairing the relationship with your new family.  

Answer 7

I think it's time to bury the hatchet.  It's your brother's sister.  She will be his sister no matter what for the rest of his life and beyond.  You may be angry and hurt, but we can't control what stupid things other people do.  We CAN control what we do.

If you do not go, you will be his crazy wife who won't even attend a wedding because of a little disagreement... As it goes through the grapevine, you will become the *****... or the control freak... or who  knows what else.  Then what's next?  You don't go to the family Christmas parties because SHE'LL be there...  Then your hubby feels alienated from his family, he feels their tension toward you, resentments grow... and this may harm your marriage.  These things tend to snowball.  I've seen it.  My hubby's brother's wife doesn't get along with half of their family over little things... they were big to her, but now they don't go to Holiday gatherings... or he has to go without her.. everyone talks about how horrible she is for that, etc. etc.

If you go and make nice... even if it kills you inside... with big beaming smiles, then they only get to see how wonderful and forgiving you are and how your hubby picked a good one.  They tell him how you are a keeper...

You NEED to make nice with his family.  It makes your life easier in the long run.

Answer 8

Well, I think this is more about being there for your husband, with his family, not about being there for his sister.  What she did was immature and rude, but doing the same back to her does not solve anything.  You should go, but if anyone says anything about it, make it clear that you are being there for your husband.  At some point, this will likely have to be resolved, but it's always better to take the high road and be the bigger person.

Answer 9

If you think you will be uncomfortable if you go, then don't go and make that your real excuse for not going.  I hate it when people try to force me to go to weddings or funerals because "its family."  A few minutes there and I'm ready to go home and everyone is pissed at me.  "Dam it I told you I didn't want to come" I tell them.

If you are doing it just to "get even" then you are making a mistake.  Don't come down to her level.  Instead tell your husband you will attend out of respect for him to meet family members and then after an hour you plan to leave for an other engagement.  In this case you will be giving in a little but still remove yourself from being uncomfortable feeling.  Don't force him to leave too.  You and your husband MUST agree on this long before that day.

Answer 10

you need to forgive and forget, i can understand that shes pis*ed you off, but you cant ignore her forever.

Shes stood down from being a bridesmaid and you've found someone else, so now you move on.

And yes you should go to her wedding, cos if you dont you are creating problems that dont need to be there and are being quite petty.

Answer 11

in brief, I agree with what others have said, go to the wedding!

Sure what she did wasn't very nice, but the best thing you can do is just not be petty and show up and be nice... it's nice to be there for your fiance and as a bonus people will see that you have moved on. Seriously year long grudge over a dress, time to let go.

My own SIL annoys me for all sorts of reasons (example : they invite us over for dinner, we live 1.5 hours away from them, they say come swim in our pool, have dinner, we share bottles of wine and beer, it's ok you can sleep over... THEN she decides  she isn't feeling well and wants us to go home?!?... she tells us this after my fiance drank like 5 beers in the pool!!... We left and sobered up in a nearby coffee shop before driving home, thanks alot!)...

if we managed to forgive that,  I think you can do it too. It's family after all. Lesson learned though in my case: now when they invite us over we never sleep over and while they don't talk about it I think they know why lol.

Don't let yourself be walked all over, but at the same time, it just sounds like you're hanging on a bit too much over a dress. You'll look better in the end if you stop ignoring her, don't stoop to her level.

Enjoy the wedding, wish them well.

ps. it's obviously pointless now, but just wanted to say at my brother's wedding I weighed about 20 lbs more than 2 of the other bridesmaids, so they wore spaghetti strap dresses while I wore one with sleeves but in the same color/material.

Take care.

Answer 12

So because she talked to the wrong person about backing out of the wedding you're going to break up the family? This is a joke, right? She had every reason to back out of the wedding, and we're supposed to believe that someone would actually stop talking to a family member (and behave in a way that would be unreasonable when directed to one's worst enemy) over that? As a joke it falls rather flat.

Answer 13

Wow you are being super petty.  Are you 12?

Answer 14

You have no desire to repair the relationship?  Your children will not be allowed to speak to their aunt.  You will not speak to your own nieces and nephews when they come along.  Your children will have cousins that they can't play with b/c mommy is childish.

I mean I don't wish to insult you and all but did you read what you wrote?  She didn't want to be a bridesmaid.  The Mom asked for her.  The Mom informed you of what kind of dress she would be comfortable in.  You didn't change it FOR HER.  You did it for the MIL.  The SIL didn't ask for anything.  With 4 months left to go, she tells her bro she doesn't want to be in the wedding.  Ok she should have told you.  Bad mistake.  And boy did you make her pay for it.  You made that house a living h**l for 5 months.  One little issue of telling something to the brother you grew up with instead of the sister-in-law who is an anxious bride and she pays for the rest of her life?

But as far as the wedding goes, you had plenty of time to replace her.  You did.  All turned out fine.  No one is holding it against you that she backed out of the wedding.  Now she's having a moment.  She is a bride.  It is her day.  A day for her family to be happy she is getting married like they were happy for you.  But you want it to be all about you?  The in-laws will be mad.  Your husband will be mad that you could be so disrespectful to his sister, refusing to attend a wedding over a petty argument you guys had a year ago.  You never intend to forgive her b/c you could never do that to a bride.

Sounds to me like that is exactly what your plan is.  Try to make her wedding where everyone is talking about you and not her.  You said you'd NEVER ever do that.  So then don't.

You don't have to be childish and petty.  You could right now realize this is stupid.  So she felt uncomfortable being a bridesmaid.  And backed out with 4 months to go.  It wasn't last minute.  You replaced her.  Is that really worth separating your husband from his sister, making his parents disappointed in your behavior, and refusing to allow the children to know their aunt and cousins?  I don't think it is.  You can right now decide to be a decent person and go to a wedding for your sister-in-law, to support your husband and his family (technically your family now too).  It's your marriage and your children that will be hurt by your actions.

Answer 15

I think you need to grow up, Kiddo,

look, she backed out...it happens. Yup, shouldda given you an explanation..instead of getting all huffy and freezing her out, which is very immature, BTW...why didn't you just ask your MIL what happened? You could have always opened your mouth and asked her directly.....all this she should have told me directly, blah, blah is justa whole lotta nonsense.

She would have given her mother an explanation, right? As far as not telling you directly, she told her bro..maybe she felt more comfortable telling him than you and after all, it was his wedding party and he's half of the bridal couple so, so what?

if you were really concerned about knowing why..you would have asked her or her mother, right?

But no, you used it as an excuse to indulge in rather babyish and rude behavior of your own 'HOW DARE SHE'.....jeeze, get over it.....you were looking for something to use to be rude towards her and boy, did you nitpick and find something.....sounds like you just plain don't like her....period.

Was your wedding ruined? nope.....

So now here comes her wedding and you are gonna use it as payback time...shame. It will upset your husband and your MIL-they are not responsible for your ruffled feathers so why hurt them? And this happened back in 07...hold a grudge much? Time to get over it, don't you think?

Unless you have a d@mn good reason not to.....you will be indulging in pettiness if you do not attend the wedding-and a friend's B.D. should never come before family-whether YOU like it or not, she is your family.

And you better climb down from your high horse, Toots-you have no good reason to be sitting on one.

Answer 16

Personally, I think that you are bing very immature about this.  It was a year ago.  Get over it.  If you applied all the energy that you are putting toward ignoring her and disliking her to something more useful you could probably end world hunger.

Now, she is your husbands sister.  Even if you don't like her, you took an oath, "for better or worse"... sometimes our significant others families fall in the "or worse" category but we have to suck it up and live with it.  He wants you to be there, so you should go.  

Answer 17

My goodness.  Holding a grudge for so very long over one incident.  It must take a lot of your energy to keep that going.  How sad you are missing out on a friendship and, in turn, keeping your husband from his sister.

Have you considered she may not have wanted to be in the bridal party to start with?  You said your MIL asked, not that you intended to ask her.  You were being considerate to her, which is admirable.  Perhaps she only told your husband because she is close to him and felt she could not approach you.

So she backed out.  It happens.  It was an inconvenience, but you worked through it.  Bottom line:  everything worked out, you got married, and the day went well, right?

This anger has been going on for nearly a year.  It's time to let go of it.  Act like an adult and stop this petty nonsense.  You don't have to be best buddies with her, but she is family and close to your husband.  Go to the wedding and offer her your sincere congratulations.  

Answer 18

You are acting very childish.

This is your husband's sister so yes you should absolutely go.

Answer 19

Yes you have to go. This is part of being a grownup and a wife. You may not want to do something, but you have to take your husbands feelings into consideration. It is not like he is just going to a movie and wants you to go, this is a wedding and we all know how important they are. So suck it up, suck em down and go to the wedding.