Should I call of my wedding that is two weeks away?

Question

My fiancé and I have been together for six years, well a little longer (our first date was my senior prom) and we had met two years prior to that "date" when we worked at our hometown's summer swim club. Our wedding is quickly approaching and many of the issues that have been problematic in our relationship are re-surfacing. While, I am aware that my fiancé is dealing with great deal of change right now (changing jobs) and there is the stress of the big wedding-I just am beginning to believe that behavior in this particular stressful period is indicative for what is in store for our life together which will not be without stressful periods. I think he operates that he should ask forgiveness rather than for permission. While I would never want him to feel that he needs to ask permission -I think that being considerate and thinking before you speak or act is just common courtesy and choosing to disregard common courtesy with someone who you are supposed to love can not be fixed with a hug. Hugs can perhaps be band aids, but they should not be considered cures. I also think that we are different because of our familial backgrounds; I come from an intact home and have great relationships with my parents. His parents are divorce. His Mother is a classic victim, never having moved on or taken control after the divorce and he feels so much guilt toward her that he mistreats her because of his frustration and allows the cycle of guilt to continue. His father has re-married and while he has a decent relationship with him, I fear he will become his father who has an ego the size of the moon and actually competes with his son (my fiancé).

We went to couples therapy a while back and I actually ended up ending our relationship with the therapist because I was upset that he thought I was exhibiting "victim behavior" and also because I thought it was becoming more a charade than a help. My fiancé would discuss his concerns and guilt regarding his family history and we would be happy for an hour and then nothing would change. Since that time I have considered what the therapist meant when he used what I thought to be very harsh language and I think I have addressed what he was saying by taking responsibility for my successes and failures and not taking the position that my nervousness or desire to please my fiancé some how precluded me from doing what I wanted or achieving some goal.

Recently, I have been of the mindset that my fiancé and I want different things. We both want careers, we both want children, we both are interested in living a comfortable lifestyle…but we want all of those things differently. It is hard to describe because I think on paper we work…but I perceive him as being happier with friends and doing “bachelor” types stuff. Although I just read what I typed and recognized that he is an adult and old enough to say what he wants for him, it is not my place to assign him desires or behaviors. Maybe I just don’t want to get married. I mean I think I want to be married in the same way I want a perfect body, great grades, the best job, a nice wardrobe and perfect children, to be annoyingly organized, a talented musician etc. Maybe I am just too young. I love my fiancé and I want the world for him, I just am not sure I am that world that he should have and I am confused as to what extent that is my decision to make if at all. My parents have had there doubts—but they parents they always look out and protect—although their role is changing. Perhaps nothing is wrong and I am just nervous. I am so confused and I have rambled more than asked or set up a scenario for readers to respond with a clear answer. Words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Well, you asked if you should call it off, which means you are having doubts. If you are having doubts, then do what you think is right. The problems you've described seem to be normal things couples get over through the course of dating. You are about to be married and you haven't worked these things out yet. Why don't you sit down with your fiance and talk about these things? After you do that, come to your decision. It could be nerves helping you to make more of something or you might be on to something, but only you will know and you will have to sit down with your fiance and talk it before making a decision. And make the decision together.

Answer 2

Most of us go through the "Holy c**p, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person" before getting married and your rambling is normal, your mind is racing.

Getting married doesn't mean you can't see friends anymore!  Getting married doesn't mean people change.  You have been together quite awhile, unfortunately through your 'growing to adulthood years'.  What is also a little scary is that you have already had to see a therapist.

Talk to him.  If you can't communicate at this point in your relationship, I will only get worse.  You will either see why you decided to marry him in the first place or decide to postpone the wedding, giving you time to think this through a bit more.  Good Luck, it's never an easy decision

Answer 3

How old are you?

Looking at what you've written I can see why you are not sure what to do at this point. I think we all have fears when it comes to marriage. There are so many changes with that. This next step that you are taking is very serious and you should think about is this really what is best for me. I am sure you love him, but are you in love with him. Can he fulfill the things that you need in life. I know that there may be some  things that can't come right away, but do you see the potential there.

He is a man and they do want to fix things. That's just what they do, we talk and just want to be heard. From what you describes about therapy, it doesnt seem like he was willing to try to improve. How long were you  in therapy?

My inital thought was not to marry him. There seems to be doubt and you should listen to what you are feeling. Best of luck. Remember this is your life, dont let people guilt you into marrying him.  

Answer 4

Wow....I don't know you, but I'll send an electronic HUG your way.  Sounds like you need one.  

It's evident that you have not only given this a significant amount of thought, but also have been able to rationalize your feelings and frankly, have discussed them before.  

If you know now, before your marriage, that you do not want to enter into a lifelong commitment with your fiance, then yes.  You should call it off, but that's one person reading what you've written without any knowledge of who you guys are.

I know how hard it is to hop off the wedding train, especially when it's so close and the bazillion reasons why not having the "party" would cause some strain on you and family members, but the bottom line is that you need to decide what's right for YOU...everyone else be damned.  I had a girlfriend who was in a similar situation (knew the marriage was a mistake before the wedding happened) and she ignored her gut instinct and went through with it anyway.  She was divorced almost immediately.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and it sounds like you already know the answer to the question you've asked.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Answer 5

First Corinthians - Chapter 13:4-8 ( taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation ©. Copyright © 1996, by Tyndale Charitable Trust)

4. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

5. or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

6. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

7. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8. Love will last forever...

Follow your heart. God Bless

Answer 6

I hate to say this, but I would call if off. You're not even married and already there is sooo much stress to deal with.  Right now you can just cancel the wedding after you get married it's not that easy to get out of it.  You should wait and find someone that you are totaly happy with. It really sounds like you are not as happy as you should be  or could be.  Do yourself the favor of just waiting on getting married.

Answer 7

Well, first off, I think you are way to young to get married already. And if these problems are resurfacing and you think that's its truly bad problems, maybe you should call off the wedding. but on the other hand, you could just be having cold feet. before you get married, you are going to see nothing BUT the problems. and a relationship is never going to be perfect. never. but if you love each other you will work through it and then your relationship will bond even more. But you gotta make sure that you really really want to get married. hope this helps any.

Answer 8

I think you need a reality check... there's no such thing as the perfect life!! Your expectations are too high. If you feel like you're not ready, don't go ahead with the wedding, but you're stressing the wrong issues. His relationship with his parents has nothing to do with the person he is, you gotta have more faith. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 9

You seem to be a very intelligent person and you are looking at everything in an objective way. But, I feel that you should be making a decision based on how your heart feels rather than writing down the pros and cons on a piece of paper. If you truly love this man, can't imagine spending the rest of your life without him, etc. then you will be willing to take the challenges that comes with a marriage head on.

It almost sounds like you are afraid to deal with the challenges that your fiance presents to you because you are afraid of not having the solution or not being able to fix it. It's a perfectly normal feeling - everyone worries about not being able to deal with the challenges that comes with marriage.

I think one of the issues is that what you see as a problem your fiance does not see as a problem. It is really hard to try to help someone or talk to someone about that issue if they feel very strongly that it is not their problem. You guys need to talk about this more because clearly something that is a big issue for you is not a big issue for him...like asking for forgiveness rather than permission. I get what you are saying about that. It's like he feels he can go out and do whatever he wants, as long as he apologizes for his actions once he has done something wrong. That is a hard thing to deal with because it tells you that he really isn't thinking things through or seeing the consequences of his behavior.

I think that this is something that you guys can work through. Honestly I suggest going to see a psychologist. Psychologists/therapists are just like anything else in life - sometimes you don't always find the right one on the first try. Just because they are educated in that area doesn't mean you are going to like their style. That is why there are all different fields of psychology.

Right now just look into your heart and try to find the answer. If you truly love him then you can make things work. If you feel you aren't in love with him anymore then maybe it is best to think things over a little bit more.

Don't worry - the right answer will come to you.

Best of luck

Answer 10

You seem to be a very educated person, yet you can't decide if you want to get married.  How much sense does that make?  Really no one on here can give you a reasonable answer.  that is up to you the only thing we can give you is our opinions.  And if you decide to use our opinions as a basis to get married or not to get married then maybe you shouldn't get married to begin with.  If you have spent the last six years happy with this guy and you already are going through counciling which didn't seem to help or hurt any then why even mess with the way things are going?  You have the whole thing planned out already why not go through with it?  If you really loved him to begin with what has changed? what made you say yes?  Why have you gone through the whole process without questioning it until now?  have you talked to your fiance about this and what does he say?  these are all things that you have failed to either mention or see with the long rant you just put on.  If you have really wanted to not be with him or if you want to wait on the wedding just do it?  but when will you be ready?  How long does he have to wait around for you to decide if it is all worth it?  After all isn't the unknown part of a relationship half the fun?  Who knows if you decide to through six years out the window as if nothing happened what could happen.  He could move on to someone who won't critisize him for his parents mistakes, or you could find someone with more mental stability.  And you both could be happier.  But then again you both could just crash down and not find any other "good replacement" for each other and end up getting married anyway.  So why not get married?  if it doesn't work out the way you want it too at least you tried.  

Answer 11

It's easier to call off or postpone a wedding you're unsure about than to go ahead with it and possibly get divorced later on. If you're not completely comfortable with getting married to this man, it's not worth it. Good luck.

Answer 12

My advice, cutting to the chase, is that neither of you appears to be prepared for marriage.  However, I wouldn't make a lifetime decision based on what some yahoo on the internet who doesn't know you thinks.

Go to the pastor that will perform the ceremony and ask him or her what they think.  You need better counsel for a real life person than what people who don't know you on the internet think.  But honestly, I think you both don't sound like you are ready.

Answer 13

Unless he has admitted doubts to you, it sounds like it's you who does not want to get married and are projecting your feelings on you fiancé.

You say " I mean I think I want to be married in the same way I want a perfect body, great grades, the best job, a nice wardrobe and perfect children, to be annoyingly organized, a talented musician etc"

Let me tell you something: you will not always, if ever, have everything you just stated. There is NO perfect. Never. And if you go about like that way you will never be happy in what you have.

I was married at 19. Two years ago. In that time I have had two miscarriages, had stage four cervical cancer, flat lined and been declared dead in front of my husband after an operation, and my husband has been to Iraq twice. I can say this is not what I expected of life at all, none the less married life, but at it's core it is what I wanted. I wanted to marry my husband. I knew he was (and is) a good man. I knew that we would both change over the years, but the foundation of our relationship was sturdy enough that we would withstand whatever was to come. Those were my thoughts in the days/weeks before my wedding, though I did not know how much they would be proven to be true in such a short time. No matter what anyone says when you get married your two lives become one, they have to for your marriage to be a success. You have to want your husband's happiness as much as you want your happiness. You have to support his dreams as much as you support your own, and you have to want you marriage, your joint life, to succeed as much as you yourself want to live.

Everyone thinks there is a perfect time to get married. There isn't. Nor is there a perfect time to have children or anything else. There is just life and all it's happens no matter if you want it to or not. You make decisions that shape your life, but other then the few major decisions you make yourself you are in control of nothing else.

I personally think you are just nervous about getting married. But ask yourself this: do you want this person's life to be your life? Do you know within yourself that you can live thinking of him and your life together as one? Are you willing to do anything it takes to make this marriage a success? Are you willing to work and change with your fiancé as you change yourself?

If you can answer yes to all of those questions then you are ready. If you answer no, then ask yourself: why not? When will I be ready? What is making me not ready?

I don't know how old you are, but I'm going to assume you're about 24 or so. I'm going to assume that you take stock in what your family, friends, and just about everyone else you come in contact with thinks. I perceive you as a thinker, and perhaps someone that over thinks. Having said that I will tell you that I am the same way, though not quite as much as I was before I got married. You need to stop and listen to yourself. Honestly if you didn't think it was the right thing to do you would have called off the wedding long ago.

As far as his parents go, they are just something you are going to have to learn to love. I am sure there are a few things about you that they are not thrilled about. I know to your parents your fiancé is perhaps not exactly what they pictured for their daughter, and that you yourself pictured this whole experience as different. But you will never find exactly what you pictured, there is no such man as exactly what you parents pictured, and there is no woman that is exactly what your future in laws pictured.

Let me give you an example: I always thought that I would meet my husband in college or perhaps after I had become a RN and traveled the country a bit. I thought that we would have this long loving courtship then a long engagement with all the time I could possibly want to plan the wedding of my dreams. I thought I would be about 25 or 26 when I got married, and "dream husband" would probably not be from California, just because I seemed to have better chemistry with men that were more the "country gentlemen" type. Yeah, I had it all planned out.

The only thing that I got right in my "dreams" was the out of state part. I met my husband on the internet. His profile said he was  a Infantry Marine from Wisconsin and a 4th generation Dairy farmer. He was supposed to be a fling because when I was in college I really didn't want to be attached to anyone, and I didn't want to put in the work any way. We spoke online for two months before he just so happened to be heading back from his home town in Wisconsin after his pre deployment leave and his flight was going to be going into an airport two hours away from my home. We spoke on the phone for four hours right after Christmas, and while I felt there was chemistry I still had it set in my head that I was not ready for anything. On New Years Eve 2005/2006 I picked him up at the airport and we spent four days together. On January 4th I bought his bus ticket to go back to Camp Pendleton, fully intending never to see him again, but I guess God had other plans. Right before he left for Iraq on January 22nd 2006 he asked me if I would be his girlfriend, and for what ever reason I said yes. The next seven months were both the best and worst months of my life to that point. My husband lost many of his very good friends, and there were a lot of times that I just wanted to give up because the whole situation was traumatic. But sometime in March he asked me if I would move down to southern California to be with him, and again, for whatever reason, I said yes. At that point we were in love. I moved down in July 2006, a month before he was supposed to come home. When he did come home it was by no means easy. He had seen a lot, he had PTSD, and it was a lot of hard work. But I loved him, and I knew without a doubt that he was the man I wanted to marry. He asked me on September 4th 2006 if I would marry him, and I said yes. We planned a two year engagement because he was not supposed to go back to Iraq before he got out of the Marine Corps in December of 2007, and wanted to have a wedding in his home town. But again, God had other plans. On October 30th 2006 my husband came home from work to our apartment, got down on one knee with a 3 ct garnet ring and said "I have to deploy to Iraq again in the beginning of next year. Will you marry me in January?" I was shocked. January was two months away. But I said yes. We pulled off planning our wedding on January 1st 2007 in California at the Marine's Memorial Club. It was beautiful, but certainly not what we had pictured.

I've already told you the mishaps that followed. Right after we got married I had surgery and ended up being declared dead in front of my husband only to miraculously be brought back. I had a miscarriage around the same time. My husband left for Iraq again a few months later. While he was gone I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, and went through treatments alone. My husband returned home safely, and just a month after he came home we found out I was pregnant, only for me to miscarry two weeks later. But through it all my husband has loved me unconditionally, as I have loved him.

I am sorry if I have rambled here, but I tell you all about my life and relationship just to show you that no matter how careful the planning things will always happen. If you keep looking for perfect some day you will find that what you had was perfect enough, and wish you had done differently. If your fiancé really loves you and you really love him and you are willing to work things out honestly for better or worse you will not fail. Enter into this marriage as if divorce does not exists, and though it is scary it will well be worth the reward. For after the wedding day is over, and the children are grown, you will deicide your life may not have been exactly what you pictured, but it was perfect for you.

I hope you find the answer you are looking for, and I wish you luck. If you want to email me, feel free.

Answer 14

Postpone it!!

I think it's interesting that you quit going to the therapist when he thought YOU might share some blame in the problems.  

Try a different therapist.  One that specializes in PreMarital counseling would be good.  If the new therapist sees things the same as the first, listen to them and work to resolve the issues.

Could just be cold feet.  Definately put it on hold till you figure it out.