Question:

Should I call off my engagement?

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I am a mother of two girls, 15 and 12. I was married to their biological father who has just recently became apart of their lives after many moons of begging him too...however, I remarried to my high school sweet-heart and he helped me raise my girls and up until December of 2007 I thought we had a great marriage with problems that we had once worked through..but that soon crumbled...I had found out he had been having an affair for the 2nd time during the marriage...we have now been divorced since Feb.. I began dating a man who is 9 years older than me and is a great man; however, my children who at first convinced me to date him now does not want anything to do with him or me especially now that he has proposed to me..in fact my girls now want to go live with their daddy (hs sweetheart) and I said no that wasn't going to happen... now of course I am catching c**p with both my girls and my ex because he wants them to come live with him although they are not biologically his their real father would have my head on a platter... I am so torn... and I can't handle all the drama... I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing... yet my heart is breaking into a million pieces... I am torn with this engagement because my girls tell me everyday that will only be civil to my fiance yet if we get married they want to live any where but with us.

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  1. First, your children should not be running your life. Second, you've only been divorced for 6 months, why are you rushing into another marriage? Slow down and get your head on straight.  


  2. I know  you can't let your children run your life but have you sat down with them and asked them why they are so opposed to you being with this man, especially since they encouraged you to date him in the first place.  Perhaps he has said or done something that has really upset them?  But I do agree with the first answer, you have only been divorced for such a short time, perhaps you need to slow everything down a bit.  Good luck.

  3. Since when do 15 and 12 year olds call the shot? Since you GAVE BIRTH TO THEM. Your first priority as a mother should be to your children. Whose relationship will you care about more in 5 years- this third man or the two people who look up to you for how they should live their life. If you marry this man and end up having no relationship with your children, will it have been worth it? They are still at an age where they need guidance and protection and you are considering alienating them. I know it must be difficult to think about but if it is a good decision to you today to marry this man, it will be a good decision tomorrow or in 5 years when your children are older. If this man cannot respect you for not marrying him because of how your children will look up to you and for how it might effect your relationship with your kids, then in my opinion he does not have your children's best interest at heart and therefore does not have your best interest at heart. Wait a while, until your children either grow up or change their opinion.

  4. Wow.  You have been through a lot.

    I think in this situation you do have to take the girls' feelings into account.  They have been tossed around a lot lately and the only person they've known as a father is now gone.  Now this man they encouraged you to date is someone they don't want to be around.

    Something is not right here.  Why is it that they no longer want to have anything to do with this man and will only be "civil" to him?  They no longer want to be with you.  Has something happened?  Have you changed towards them as well?  Are you no longer caring for them and supporting them as you did before?  Perhaps they have been snubbed by him or feel you are ignoring them.  I hope it's not something worse.

    Really take a close, honest look at what has changed when you consider this marriage.  You've only been divorced for a short while, so it seems things are going too quickly.  Do the girls feel you are "replacing" their daddy?

    Good luck.

  5. I understand how you feel. I was with a man who still had alot of feelings for his ex-wife. They had 3 wonderful kids, and I adored them.  We had been dating about 6 months when his behavior became erratic and mysterious. I finally had to come out and ask him if he was seeing someone else. He admitted he had, and told me it was his ex-wife. I walked out the door that day and I didn't hear from him for about two weeks. In the mean time his ex-wife came to my apartment one day. I was shocked. She wasn't hostile, but she was VERY BLUNT. Telling me that they were trying to work things out, and that he didn't want to hurt me. I called him on the phone and said It's over, and told his ex-wife to get out my house. About a year later I got a very beautiful letter from them both that they had re-married shortly after we broke up, and they were expecting their 4th child. I know how you feel when your heart is breaking in a million pieces. He was extremely good to me. He is a wonderful father, and great guy all around. But he had to listen to his heart as you have to listen to yours. You have to decide what is best for both you and your children. Unfortunately when your a mom, you have to put your children first. I hope you find a comparable resolution.

    good luck.  

  6. 1.  What has happened that the girls no longer like this man?  Something is up; you just don't stop liking a person without a reason. Has he made advances towards them that they're afraid to tell you about?

    2.  Are the girls fearful that they will lose your affection & attention?  Have you been investing all your time with him?

    3.  There's no way I'd give up my parental rights to ANYONE.  

    Tell them they can go live with whomever when they turn 18; until then, they're stuck with you as you are legally responsible for them.

    Your children sound like they're trying to hold you hostage.

    The 12 yr old is still young enough to follow what the 15 yr old

    feels/says/does.  You need to sit your children down & have a VERY serious talk with them.  



    While I don't believe that you should let them call the shots, nor should you base your future happiness on their childish opinions, ( a 15 yr, old doesn't like anybody)  you do have a responsibility to them to get to the bottom of this & find a solution before you marry this man.

  7. Yes. Time to concentrate on getting yourself together, and not getting into another relationship. This is too fast - and you need time. Your girls have been through enough, already. TIme for you to be their MOM, and let your love life lie fallow for a while.

  8. Since when does a 15 & 12 year old call the shots?

    Being engaged is fine but I'd have a long as possible engagement if I were you....and make it quite clear to those two that they will NOT live with their step-dad because their real father will object, infact their bio-father could sue for physical custody under those circumstances and force them to live with him..could you just see a three way fight for custody here?....agree to visitations and him being in their lives and tell them at age 18 they can go live with who ever they want to. In the meantime give this engagement plenty of time....I think it's too soon for you but that's my way of thinking....a long engagement will get them used to him and iron out any problems that could be big ones if you two marry too quickly. I don't understand the rush to the altar.

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