Should I contact my daughter who doesn't know the truth about me?

Question

20 yrs ago my girlfriend (at the time) and I had a baby, her side wanted nothing to do with the baby. They wouldn't even come to the hosp when she was born and prior to the birth they did every thing possible to get us to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. I was against it.

My daughter was born, and lived with me and my family for 3 weeks. Her grandparents finally wanted to see the baby so she spent a weekend at their house, I haven't seen her since. I tried numerous times to see her over a two yr period but always got excuses why they wouldn't be home.

I didn't have much money so I couldn't afford to fight them in court. I sent her some money for the baby but found out the money was used for other things beside my daughters care. two years later I get a visit from a state constable serving me court papers, they filed to have my daughters birth last name changed revoking my parental rights, again I could not afford an attorney. I was on my own and had little money.

I have kept up with some events she has done but they moved her away to her great grandmothers so I had no clue where she was and she recently moved back.

I saw her one day working at a local store and wanted so bad to talk with her, but I didn't. I wanted to drop off a letter to her with details of her birth so she wouldn't think I was some crazed person. But again I didn't.

I have found her profile on a well known friendship networking site, should I get in touch with her and tell her the truth about me and what all happened and why lost her? Or should I just let it go? I have been going crazy over this issue for 20 yrs now. What should I do????

Answer 1

send it privatly as she will not want everyone reading it on her page. Explain all you can and then leave her to get in touch with you

Answer 2

Maybe you could approach her at the end of her shift at work.  Tell her that you've been wanting to get in touch with her but lost track of her and when you saw her at work you wanted to talk to her as soon as you saw her but didn't want to upset her so you  decided to come back and see her at the end of her shift.  You don't want to push your way into her life but you love her and you've thought about her every day for the past 20 years and how much you've missed being in her life and that, once she's had time to think about - you'd really like the chance to go to dinner/ go get coffee (nothing to "big") and maybe you could both get to know each other a little bit more.  Give her your phone number or email and don't press her for her info - you don't want her to feel like you're a stalker - give her the power/control to make the next move.  

You don't know what her family has told her about you over the years - she's definately wondered about you (no matter what she may tell you) and has a hole in her heart because you haven't been there and if you're patient there's a chance that you'll be able to finally get to know her after all of these years.

Good Luck - don't put too much pressure on yourself or on her and give it time.

Answer 3

Oh my goodness. Im on the other end.  I had no contact with my mother, and now she has died (she was murdered) and I have sooo many questions that will never have any answers... please talk to your daughter... do it asap.  

Answer 4

she knows that you exist and thats enough. contact her.  i have trouble believing the grandparents kidnapped your baby and got away with it.  

Answer 5

She is your daughter and she needs to know the truth.  She needs to know you didn't just abandon her.  I would write her and let her know who you are and that you have been looking for her and if she would liike to talk please contact you back because you have been really wanting to talk with her.  That gives her the option if she wants to talk to you or not.  Prepare yourself in case she doesn't want to talk to you but you never know.  

Answer 6

I think the loving thing to do is to leave her alone.  It would only confuse her.  You're not her father in the sense of the word, even if you wanted to be.  If you wanted to write her a nice letter that didn't say anything that implies her mother or the people caring for her are not the most wonderful people in the world, just maybe apologizing for not trying harder to be in her life when she was younger, just to set her mind at ease, I think that might be acceptable, but I'd send it to her mother or guardians asking them if they think it's ok to give it to her and not butt in at this point.  I know it's probably hard not knowing what she's been told about you, but reality is, you're not her father.

Answer 7

I would be a little (okay, a lot!) freaked out fi someone told me they were my dad on facebook or whatever. and I probably wouldn't believe them!! I say keep trying to get in contact with your parents and don't give up!

Answer 8

I'm sure she wants to know who you are. Do it.