Should I contact my son's adoptive parents after 11 years?

Question

I gave my son up for adoption 13 years ago, at birth. It was an open adoption, and we sent letters and pictures back and forth for about 2 years. We lost contact because I moved several times and I thought I had lost their address, but I recently found it. I do not wish to interfere in their lives, I just want to have an update on my son, and let them know that he has a new baby brother. I know that he knows he is adopted. I also know that they keep a box of all the letters and pictures that I have sent. My concern is that 11 years have gone by and I don't know if they would welcome my communication after all this time. Please... any kind suggestions would be appreciated, especially from parents who have adopted children. Thank you.

Answer 1

I am not a parent or an adopted child, but I grew up with out one of my parents. Even though my father was not that far he still didn't really care to keep in contact with me even when i tried... So as a child I might relate to your son feelings now... It doesn't matter the years.. If he knows you gave him for adoption then he himself would want to see you and talk to you.. It would benefit him in a tremendous way... To actually feel your love and not just wonder... I think you should get in contact and explain without excuses..  i wished my father reached out to me. At least its in your heart to want to reach him not like some parents!!

Answer 2

No offense... but think about how he would feel. You giving him up.... and then having another one that your going to keep? I wouldn't be too happy.

Answer 3

in my opinion u shouldn't b-cuz its been 11 years n they might think that u want something else besides just 2 talk wit them. Unless u ask if its ok 2 start talking 2 them again.

Answer 4

Send a letter anyway, it's not worth wondering 'what if' if you dont.

Answer 5

How do you know for sure that he knows he is adopted. Unless your sure they remind him of that, then he was 2 last time he was ''told.''  If you are sure he knows, I would write a letter to the adoptive parents, and ask what they think would be best at this time. It has been a LONG time, and you shouldn't call, but write. You don't want to make a 13 year old wonder about this stuff.....

If you do contact them and they say it is okay for you to come see him/call, don't disappear for 11 years ever again. The kid does not deserve that.

I think I could go on and on about this, but you need to pray and have God guide you because this is a complex and sticky situation.

Answer 6

i think it's very appropriate to attempt to find out how your son is doing.  contact the aparents with a letter/email and schedule a visit to meet, if that's comfortable for you.

i just have to comment on something i observe: when young women are pregnant, people are so quick to tell them to give up their kids as a "loving choice". yet, when they wish to have contact and simply make sure the kid is fine, then they are reminded that 1) they are not a mother, hence have no right, 2)  their presence is intrusive and will damage the child, 3)  a request is disrepectful to the adoptive parents, 4) they gave the child up so they should simply fade away into the woodwork.

this is one of the fundamental issues with adoption: fmoms are damned if they do...and damned if they don't

to the poster: i wish you the best with any reunion or contact you wish to have with your son.

Answer 7

Yes You should Becasue SO he can just remember them, Instead of remembering them as parents who left hime. Call them so Thay can talk!

Answer 8

I'm an adoptive parent and in my opinion I think you should send a letter to his parent opening up the lines of communication again.

Answer 9

OMG PLEASE do what you can to contact the child... You had an open communication with him and it is important to contact him and let him know what happened.  I am not a parent, but a child left at my grandparents by my mother whom I never heard from again...  I would give anything if I could have kept her in my life.

I think it would be very important to get back in touch, He may even have abandonment issues if you kept in touch often.  You wouldn't be interfereing at all if you had been in an open communication,  

Trust me, even if he initially shows disdain, he will most certainly be very excited to hear from his mommy!

Do it now!  ( I would suggest a letter at first, with a return address or phone # to call if they find it appropriate to include you)

Answer 10

Yes! Call her and become closer :-) thats what i would do.

Answer 11

Ask the parents for permission to communicate.  

In the eyes of the child....   He might have wondered why you initially stopped communicating.  Are you going to do this again?  Are you going to pop in and out when it's convenient?  

Let them decide to talk & let them ask if you have additional family.

Answer 12

I am an adopted child (now 34).  I have found and communicated with both my birthparents!  It's a wonderful privelage!  Just be honest and write a letter explaining that you moved alot or life got crazy or you lost their address, whatever.  And politely ask for an update while volunteering your update info.  Genuinly apologize for the lack of communication and ask if you can resume contact.  All you can do is be polite and honest and hope for the best.  Good luck!!!

Answer 13

This is a toughie!

I might send something with no return address on the outside--the return address could go on the inside. Send it to his adoptive parents with a separate letter inside explaining what happened and that you'd like to make contact again, but don't know how your son would take it. They will have a better idea of where he is at emotionally and if it would be upsetting to him to receive the mail. If it does have the likelihood to upset him, request to the parents that they not show him the letter. If he is well adjusted, emotionally healthy, and would simply be very interested in hearing from you I think they would have no problem showing him your letter. It's really tough to say without knowing how your son has adjusted to being adopted. At least this way you know either way and you wont always wonder about it.

Hope that helps.

Answer 14

I am an adoptive Mom and I would love to hear from my son's natural family.  You could express in your letter to him what you wrote to us, that you're concerned that he may not want communication and you don't want to interfere...  but you really wanted to let them know that (you fill in the blank).

You could send it to your son with c/o to his parents  (especially since you trust them to share it with your son)...   that way, they can be aware of it coming (say he gets the mail before they do) and they can be there for him if he needs/wants.  I'm sure they'll all recognize your name in the return address.

Best wishes and congratulations on your new baby son!

Answer 15

I have an adopted 2 year old, and no contact with the birthmom, at her request. I know I would welcome the contact at any point if she is open to it.

Also at 13 I think your son would be at  a point  in his life where  he would have a lot of questions about you, so it would be a good time to reconnect.

Answer 16

You gave your son for adoption and now you have a new son?  How do yuo think he will feel about that?

How would you feel!!!

Answer 17

i am not a parent but

if your son recognizes you then i don't know

but

if your son doesn't then you can meet or stay at their house saying that you are their far relation or southing,with their permission of course.

this way you would not be interfering in any of their lives

you can be near your son.

everyone wins.

Answer 18

yes, contact the parents.  You will never know the outcome unless you ask.

Ellie, you need to READ the question.  She wants to contact the parents, not him.  Plus, why did you assume by "Parker's mom" 's name that she was referring to her adoptive son.  She said she has a new baby;  I thought it was obvious she was referring to her new babe.  Sorry, but that just annoyed me a little.

Answer 19

Just open up and ask if you can still have contact.  If not, obey their wishes.

Answer 20

i was adopted and  i foolishly  went out to find  my real mom

and what  i found  was  disgusting , an old  woman  that  made kids and gave them  away  like they where kittens,  i also  found  my siblings,  it was a rich  tapestry of liars drug addicts and  prostitutes, so you see there  is a lot to be said  for  leaving people alone , if they  choose to tell him  he was adopted  he will eventually search you  out , and if he does  find you  the best thing for him  and his family  would be  for you to  stay  away  and let him  profit  from the life you  could not give him.

Answer 21

i think u should contact them because i did after 13 yearsand he has a right to know

Answer 22

Now really no offense but how can you really call your self his mummy his mummy is his adoptive parent, and no i do not think you should contact him if he know and when he is older let him contact you, don't just push your self into his life now that you feel ready to take responsibility, you could ruin him mentally. If the adoptive parent has your details im pretty sure she will tell him in good time, you had your chance let him have his. If and when he is really he will find you. And if he does not then its a choice he made and you should respect, he didn't have a choice when you adopted him so nows the time to let him have his. He may be very happy with his adoptive parents, and i must tell you my mum went through this and you know what she says, she wishes she never met her real mum. and bitter is not the word. I hope this has helped with your decision making. And i was not trying to be horrible but very clear, you got another little boy now make the most of it. Oh i do think you need to think this through properly like your adopted son is going to understand he has a brother by a stranger he does not even know. You couldn't possibly go blurting things out like nothing has ever happened. Best Wishes and good luck Ellie.x

Answer 23

I think it would be a very grateful

suprise to your son and his adoptive

parents to hear from you. I deff think

you need to get in contact with them.

Good luck!!

Answer 24

I  hope you ignore some of the more ignorant and incoherent answers.  I think you should definitely contact the APs.  I am sure they have missed having you in their lives.  I am a PAP and I would especially welcome the BP to have renewed contact and have the half siblings involvement as well (I assume they are half siblings, I apologize if I am incorrect)  You do not need to apologize for having an adoption plan for one child and choosing to parent the second child THAT IS COMPLETELY YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE, shame on the posters who commented negatively on your choices.  I hope that you hear back quickly from the APs, good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

Answer 25

Hi Lovelife,

As an adoptive mother i would welcome and appreciate any contact with our child's First Mother.  Please do not under estimate the importance of your role in your son's life.  First mothers are just as important as Second mothers.

I wish you all the support in the world:)

Answer 26

Definitely contact the parents and give them an update on your life and see if they will share information about your son.  They may be hesitant to let you back into his life until you prove you will not disappear again.  A good way to do that would be to establish a regular contact schedule of when you should send letters and if you keep up with the schedule and show responsibility, then they would probably be more willing to establish a visitation with their son.  

Don't feel guilty about placing one child for adoption and keeping another.  We have all had different things going on in our lives at different times and no one can judge you for the decisions you made.  We can only make the best decision for everyone involved at the time.  Congratulations on the birth of your baby.  

We adopted and are in the process of re-connecting after 8 months of no contact.  We definitely want our son to know that he is loved by a lot of people.  Good luck to you--just take it slow and work on re-establishing trust between you and the adoptive parents.

Answer 27

I think it would be nice to contact the parents. Maybe they want to let you know some things too! You never know until you try. I think if you don't you'll just always wonder should I?

Answer 28

i was adopted when i was a baby. it was an open adoption also. when my birthmother found me in 2007 i was sooo happy! she told me that she didnt want to interfere either and that she wanted to be close to me and to tell me that she loved me. she told me that she wanted me to have a better life because she knew that she couldnt take care of me or give me a good and stable life. i can gurantee you that your son knows that. the adoptive parents would probably be happy that you want to be in his life. my adoptive parents gladly welcomed my birthmother's communication with me. they were happy that i was happy and that they knew that i woiuld want her to find me someday. keeping a box of letters and pictures you have sent show that they would happily welcome you into their lives. hope this helps!

you can email me at [e-mail] if you need to. =]