Should I contact the children I gave up for adoption?

Question

I am the birthmother of two children. There were adopted at birth, both to the same family of my choosing. They are now 4 and 2.

I have multiple friends and family members that are adopted, and some have discussed their issues of "abandonment" and "low self-worth" with me.

I would like to write, to be available to them. I am afraid my contact will interfere, or cause their parents to fear that I am trying to interfere. Should I write?

Answer 1

You are to be greatly admired for having the courage to give your children the ultimate gift and I'm sure that must have been really difficult for you. However, the experts say that is not a good idea. Your children are establishing a life with their adoptive parents and hearing from you may really confuse them, especially since they are so young. When they get older and they understand that they have been adopted they may want to get in touch with you. Let them be the ones to decide if thats something they want to do.  I think your fears are justified. After all this is about them and their emotional well being. Best wishes to you.

Answer 2

If you chose the parents, write them a letter. There is no harm in asking how the children are doing.

Answer 3

I think you should write and have their parents hold the letters until they are old enough to understand your reasons for giving them up.

Answer 4

It all depends on how their adoptive parents approach the subject with them... I am adopted and can honestly say I never felt abandoned or had low-self esteem from being adopted. I have always known I was adopted and it has never been an issue.

If you want to write to them send it though the adoption agency so the letters can be passed onto the family for the parents to decide if/when it is appropriate for the children to see them... then be prepared to wait to see if in the future they contact you.

Answer 5

as long as it was an open adoption and the adoptive parents agree to it then I don't see any problems so long as you keep it short and not cause any undue stress in the way the adoptive parents are raising them.

Answer 6

Obviously due to their ages you aren't going to be able to contact the children directly, you will have to play the submissive and ask permission in order to have contact of any kind. I would suggest writing a letter and expressing your desire to minimize any potential attachment issues before they become major problems. If the adoptive parents aren't receptive to your desire for contact don't give up. Some day your children may very well wish to know you. I write my son letters on holidays and his birthday and recently came across the idea of buying small items to commemorate each year in his life as it passes. I will give these letters and mementos to him when we are reunited.

Don't bother degrading yourself by using the term "tummy mummy" should you be granted access. It is a vile term and does little to help the children accept adoption for what it is. You are far more than human incubator. Children understand more than we give them credit for.

Answer 7

I suggest you contact the adoptive parents.  They may welcome a friendly relationship. Maybe at first, the relationship will be between you and the adoptive parents rather than directly with the children.  That's okay.  With children this young, the adults should focus on open communication and setting up the right environment.

It's possible the adoptive parents will push you away.  If they do, make sure you let them know  that you are willing to be in the childrens' lives when they are ready.  Ensure the family always has contact info and register with Soundex and other reunion registries.

Answer 8

Your children are far too young to wrap their little minds around the word "adoption."  Confronting them with this will likely upset them, as their adoptive parents are the only parents they've ever known.  Try contacting their parents and say something to this effect:

"I'd like to be able to let my children know that, even though I could not care for them..I still love them..so much that I made sure that they would be well taken care of by loving people like yourselves.  If possible, I'd like to write letters to them for you to keep, safely hidden away, until the time comes to tell them of their adoption. I'm sure they'll have TONS of questions, especially about me and why I gave them up.  These letters should help them understand that this was for their own good..but that I still do love them very much."

Make sure to update any of your contact information with the parents whenever they change, so that when your children are older..they can decide for themselves whether or not to contact you.

It'll then be up to the parents to give you the green light (or red light).  If all else fails...wait until they're 18.

Answer 9

No.  Let them find you if they want to as young adults.

You would be interfering.  You made an honorable, noble, courageous choice by giving them up for adoption.  Don't let anyone else give you a guilt trip about that.  

Any issues they have will not develop at ages 4 & 2; they will be in their teens and it will part of their adolescent angst that if it wasn't about adoption there would be plenty of other reasons for it.  If you have a contact or go-between, you might go so far as to express your concerns to him/her and get some reassurance that the records are open to the point that if they wish to contact you at some point, they would be able to do so.  You may want to touch base any time you move or change contact information, and also if any health condition should develop that might be hereditary that the parents would wish to know about to help them care for the children.

Don't second-guess yourself.  You did the right thing--trust God and the adoptive parents to take it from here and what will be, will be.

Answer 10

if you so choose to, write to the parents first.  let them know whats going on or else they will feel threatened.  ask their permission even though it's not really their call but it will make them feel better.  then maybe they can ask the kids for you if they want to meet you. letters for that young of children would be difficult for them to understand.

Answer 11

YES YES YES write and make yourself available!!! do what you feel comfortable with.... I would LOVE to be able to tell my son that his b-mommy called and wanted to know him and about him. You are always their other mommy.

Answer 12

You might write to the adoption agency you went through and keep your contact information update through them. Then if the children ever decide they want to contact you in some fashion they or their parents can get that info from the agency. It’s likely not to be as prying that way, then if you were to send this information directly to them. Their both pretty young right now so most likely if they have any [adoption] issues it wouldn’t develop till their in their pre teens and teen years or even later. Just remember that not all adoptees feel abandoned or have low self worth. I would also let them make the first contact.

Answer 13

honestly by giving them up you gave up any right to be in their life. if you step in and try to play mother then the adoptive mother will feel like you are over stepping your bounds. you are no longer their mother. if anything all you will ever be is a friend to them somewhere down the road. if and when they are older and they want to meet you then they have that right to look for you. you really have no say in their life inless they want you to be. and they wont beable to feel that way until they are a lot older. any child who was given up is going to have issues with it, it cant be helped. if you where worried about it to start with then you shouldnt have given them up. just take in confidence that the parents you picked for them will raise them right and that feeling wont be a part of their lives. you let them go now you need to learn to live with it. this reaching out is you having second doubts. you dont have room for second doubts.

Answer 14

One day they may seek you out.But for now let things remain the way they are.By finding them now could cause a lot of pain and confusion.You did the right thing by allowing them to have a happy home.

Answer 15

Considering their ages, the adoptive parents have control of how much contact they can have. If they have understanding adoptive parents then they may allow contact. I would contact the adoption agency and express that you would like to know how the children are doing. Maybe the adoptive parents will at least send a picture. Then over the course of time, write letters, like for different milestones in there lives. For example first day of school, each passing b-day, first day of middle school or high school or whenever you think of them. Keep these letters and if they search you out or if you search for them when they become of legal age. They will have letteres that you wrote them. a little something to show that you loved them and thought of them.

Answer 16

no dont do that. just leave those babies alone. they dont need you now.

Answer 17

I say to leave them alone.  But you could always write to the parents explaining your concerns and letting them know that you are always there if they ever feel the need for the children to talk to you.   Every adoption situation is different so what ever works in your case.

Answer 18

As an adoptee - I think YES - you should try making contact.

Sadly - so many adoptive parents are scared of contact with the bio family - but ultimately it is what is best for the children.

They may not take you up on the offer - but at least if you put it out there that you're willing to have some kind of contact - I think is a great thing.

Although we won't fully see the effects of open adoptions on adoptees for a few years down the track - so far they are proving to be so much more stabilizing for the adoptee.

To actually be able to live without so many questions in your life - would be an amazing thing for an adoptee.

Yes - you gave up your children - but you are still a very big part of who they are.

You may hit a huge brick wall from the adoptive parents - but you can at least try.

Adoptees have questions throughout their lives - at many different stages - about their family of origin. Who better to answer those questions but their own mother!

Studies all show that children grow best when they know of their biological family. So you will be doing a good thing.

Write in your letter that you're not trying to tell them what to do - or actually 'interfere' as such. But you have to come understand through reading etc, that many adoptees do wish to know their family of origin - and you're offering to be available for whatever contact they are willing to agree to.

Maybe it will be just letters and photos to start with - they'll probably want to see if they can trust you.

Still really - if they have been loving parents - they have nothing to fear from your presence. My adoptive mother was scared out of her mind that I would run away to my first mother if I knew about her.

I loved my adoptive mother very much. If she had only just known that I wanted to know all I could about my first mother - from my first mother. Keeping that info from me just made my life just so much harder.

You may be in for a big brick wall - but I really think you should at least try.

Your kids will be so very very pleased to get to know you.

I hope their adoptive parents aren't foolish to deny that contact.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 19

No, it will only do more harm than good. It will fear the new parents that you'll want them back. I'd wait till they are a little older like say 18 when they are old enough to understand adoption. You did a brave thing and I applaud you for not aborting your babies!! :) I'm sure your children will want to meet you someday. Now is not the time. So relax and maybe when they're college age. Good luck. Hope I helped.

Answer 20

No. If it's not an open adoption you have no rights to contact those kids. Even if it's an open adoption you signed your rights away when you put them up for adoption so you legally don't have any rights to see or contact them.

Answer 21

It would never hurt to try.  Since they are so young, you are going to have to go through their adoptive parents, but how could it not be good for them to know that you care?

A lot of adoptees don't go through with searching for reasons of fear of a second rejection, anger at their n-mother for giving them up, feeling like they don't have the right to intrude on her life, etc.  Some adoptees (my a-brother included) have an interest but not enough to search, but would welcome contact if their n-mother initiated it.  So it doesn't hurt to try.

Just be gentle and honest, let the aparents know that you'd like to be available if they or the children (in the future) have questions about you or the family history or any possible future siblings.  Health information is always so important as well.  

If the aparents reject contact at first, just be patient, as the children grow and start asking questions they may change their minds & hearts.

Good luck to you.

Answer 22

I agree with the other people that said that it's too soon, they are too young and you might scare the parents.

You know, if you would really like to communicate with them, you could always keep a journal. Write to them as though they are going to read it. Then, when they are older, you can show them the journal. It will give you peace of mind and it might help them.

Answer 23

I would say to first contact the adopted parents and aske for permission to talk to the children on the phone for 30 mins a week or to ask for permission to meet the children or to ask permission write letters once a mounth

Answer 24

Yes, I think you should. But first I would contact/consult with  the adoptive parents to make sure that they've prepared the children. I know they are young now but hopefully the aparents have introduced them to the language of adoption and the children are aware of who you are when to see them. Like, "the mommy who's tummy I came out of", something like that. Let the aparents know that your intentions are not to interfere but to prevent any issues for the children as they grow up. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship for all of you.

That's awesome that they are siblings.

Answer 25

I think you should contact their adoptive parents first, and just let them know of your interest in keeping in contact with them.

I really think it is better for the kids if you stay involved in there life. The longer y'all are seperated, the harder it can be sometimes when you reunite. I really wish I could have kept in contact with my birth mom when I was young. Honestly, it really would have helped with my "abandonment" issues.

Answer 26

Since you gave up your right as the babies parent then maybe you should ask the adoptive parents. Their place as the babies parents I would think it's their choice.

Answer 27

Much as people like to deny that adoptees have any abandonment issues due to being separated from their mothers, usually this is because they are heavily invested in denying these issues and are not able to face the fact that many many adoptees suffer and struggle with issues related to being adopted.  This is true whether or not the adoptee has had a good adoption experience and good parents, it is a separate issue entirely to the way the adoptive parents have raised the child.

The fact  is, contrary to what many will claim, the adoptee does not come into the adoptive home as a blank slate.  

It appears that you have had alot of answers from people who have not had the experience of being an adoptee who like to dictate what is best for an adoptee.

To answer your question from an adoptees point of view, and to add to the very good answers you have received so far from adopted people, I would like to say that YES it is a very good idea to make yourself available for contact and YES it is in the childrens' best interests to have full knowledge of you and, if possible, contact with you.  Now, not when they are adults but NOW, preferably at least by the age of 7 or 8

I truly hope that the adoptive parents are receptive to whatever contact is negotiated.   I would suggest making a 'Life Book' for your little ones so that they have pictures and facts in front of them documenting the beginning of their life and their origins.  This will save the fantasies that alot of adoptees create in their imaginations about their birth families and the confusion and self-doubt that go along with that.

I find this a very emotional subject and the probably the best people to explain this to you would be experts who have thoroughly researched issues in adoptees such as Joe Soll, a psychologist who has written a book entitled 'adoption Healing'  Mr Soll can be contacted at adoption crossroads

Nancy Verrier 'Primal Wound - Understanding the Adopted Child' and 'Being Adopted' Brodinsky

Whilst it is true that not all adoptees suffer the loss of their mother to the same degree and some claim, not at all.  I think that far too many people seek to deny that many many do and I find that both cruel and very very sad.

Thank you so much for caring how adoptees feel.  I would have given anything to have had the whole truth right from the beginning rather than have been left wondering and growing up 'in the dark'

I wish you the best of luck and pray that the adoptive parents are receptive and not threatened by what is, without a doubt, in the childrens' best interests

Answer 28

My suggestion is to write them each a letter and give it to the agency that handled the adoption. Then when they are older if they want them, the agency can give them the letters. Be sure the agency lets the family know they have them. At 2 & 4 they aren't going to understand your intentions. But atleast if you write the letters know, it will help you heal and have peace of mind.