Should I continue to use Mother in Law for day care- I am returning to work after being on maternity leave.?

Question

My mother in law looked after my son for 4 days a week initially which I reduced after some time to two days a week. I reduced the days because I felt very undermined by her during an incident where I came to pick him up early having told her I was taking him swimming. I turned up to find he was asleep (she'd put him down for a late sleep!). It wasn't this incident in isolation of course, there was a build up to this point.

But basically I began to feel as though 'she' felt she had more say, or felt 'more' important in my sons life. I also began to feel uncomfortable with the feeling of having to compete for my sons focus and attention when we were all together. I would notice looks of disappointment when he came to hug me etc.

I now have a daughter who is three months and will have to return to work. She has already made comments about being a stranger to my little girl....and says things like 'I havent seen you for ages !' to my son, yet she sees him (on his own) once a week.

Answer 1

If you are uncomfortable, I'd say talk to your husband. Its his mother. let him deal with her. If he refuses or this doesn't work, its time to find someone new. You should never feel uncomfortable with your care provider. This is a touchy situation since you can't exactly decide not to ever speak to her again, but you don't need that extra stress if it can be avoided!

Answer 2

Have you talked to your husband about this?Whats he got to say?If shes not doing anything other then enjoying her grand son,let her.You don't say how old your son is.This to me is a factor too.Maybe she's spoiling him,and allowing him to do/have things you don't and that's confusing him.going from 4days a week to 1 is alot,sometimes.When I don't see my grand kids in a week ,I feel like its been forever.They change right in front of our eyes.I don't babysit on a regular basis because I don't want to be over involved in their lives.Living close together is a rough thing right now.If you can afford it,I suggest you put both the kids in daycare,so they get socialized differently.Then hopefully the family will once again be calm.Or maybe have your m/i/l watch both kids 1 or 2 days a week and the others hire a babysitter.

Good Luck

hope this helps

Answer 3

you need to get a different sitter.I know it will cost but it will also put you at ease.Talk to your husband and and let him know that  he needs to let his mother know the reason behind the decision and if his mother wants to maybe get some counseling maybe you can try to let her start to sit him again.do not keep your son from his grandmother it will only hurt him in the long run and he will resent you.

Answer 4

I think you know the answer. She has boundary issues and it spills over to the extent that she doesn't see / care how her behaviour undermines you as the child's parent. If you allow her to be the carer again you are opening the same door aren't you? I would say find alternative childcare and allow her grandparental access. Imagine if your child always went to her at family gatherings instead of you, how would you feel then? I don't think it would happen but perhaps in her mind she is looking for a larger role that is not appropriate.

Answer 5

I dont think you'll be happy with your MIL watching them and will be constantly fretting - is there no one else you can get to watch them what about putting them in a private nursery who takes them from babies I know its quite expensive but if you live in the UK you should be able to get some tax credits to cover your childcare costs