Should I disown my mother or otherwise?

Question

I have a 6 month old baby girl whom I'm very protective of. Lately I have been thinking about how I think my mother was NOT a very good mother while I was growing up. She did things like leave me alone with my teenage half brothers when I was like 4 in which I had a few close to death experiences (I was terrified of them) they even let me try a ciggarette -could have been marijuana when I was that young. One of my brothers has led a very bad life from doing all the hard drugs,sharing needles prostituting himself etc. etc. he has also been diagnosed with some mental illness not to long ago probably from the over use of drugs for all these years and has suffered from severe paranoia and some aggression. I moved out soon as I was 18 to try to keep away from my disfuncional family, however still spend time with my mom and dad. I don't know If I can trust her to make proper dicisions or good judgment calls when it comes to my daughter, she wants a close relationship with her, and she want to babysit, but the other day she asked me If my daughter could see my brother, and I feel very very uneasy since then about if I can trust my mother.

Answer 1

You have a child now, so technically you are an adult.. and are required to behave like one around your child. I was abused as a child, I was beaten, and treated like garbage. But the most immature emotional response a human can have is holding onto the past. It prevents us from going forward for our future. Sure, your family were messed up.. but guess what? No family is perfect. Even in Hollywood, there are no perfect parents, or kids. So its important that today, for your daughter's sake.. you let go of your bitterness and forgive and forget.

Answer 2

Your choice of whether or not to trust your mother is something only you can answer, but if I had children I wouldn't take that chance on them if what you described is accurate.  A good way of doing it may be to stagger her relationship with your daughter, for example, supervised (by you/your wife/gf) visits, then leaving her while you go to the shops for 20 minutes, giving her gradually more responsibilty.

Answer 3

why in the heck wud u want to disown your mom its not her fault ur brothers screwed up go with her when the baby sees ur bro

Answer 4

It is natural and normal for your mother to want a relationship with your mother. That is the same thing that my grandmother wanted with me, although my mother has told me that on many occasions, my grandmother was not very motherly to my mother or my aunts. I wouldn't recommend that you let your daughter spend time with your brother. If he wants to spend time with her, then he will ask; your mother won't ask for him. Let her spend time with her first in your presence with your supervision a few times. If you're comfortable with the way she handles your daughter, then you can let her spend more time with her, especially if it's easier on you and gives more time in your schedule.

Answer 5

Chrissy,

Small world. I too have a baby (14 months old) and my mother is bipolar and refuses treatment or medication. I was married in 2006 and four months later got pregnant. I cut my mother off when I found out I was pregnant because I did not need the drama, instability and stress in my life, let alone MY family's life or my child's life. It wasn't fair.

Yes, parents do make decisions in their kids lives that are not always the

best but this was the extreme. You sound like you are in the same boat. My daughter is now 14 months old and my parents have never seen her and we live in the same small town.

You have a very tough choice to make but you need to make it and stick with it unless your mother agrees to some serious life changes.

Good luck to you!

Answer 6

everyone has grown up so its time to let your past b your past..

my family is as dysfunctional as they come and there was no way i wouldve kept my girls from my mother..

dont cut your mother out of her granddaughters life..

family should b instilled into a childs life while growing up..

if you dont think you can trust your mother..take your daughter over there and stay and just watch your mother with her..then slowly move to the babysitting...

Answer 7

people go through hard things in life...and i see youre not unaware of that...in my opinion i dont feel that thats a good reason to not trust your mother....she just asked yu...she didnt say that she had already let the baby girl see him...ya know...so if youre uncomfortable with your baby being around her uncle then just make sure youre there with her the entire time hes around...that would be the best thing to do...i dont think that yu should keep the baby from her family...that could maybe cause problems in the long run...she is gonna wanna know who her grandmother and uncle is...so just think outside the box and youll make the right decision...hope i helped!!!

Answer 8

maybe you can let your baby hang out with your family with your supervision. and your mo will always love you no matter what

Answer 9

tough one , if you mother can acceopt the error of her ways maybe your baby shouldnt be around her , if she understands she made some bad choices and has changed try some supervised access

grandmas are great but only sensible ones who dont do the things u listed.

Answer 10

people learn from their mistakes.  i would not leave your daughter alone for a weekend-yet, but let your mom see your daughter with your supervision.  If she has your approval and a little of your trust maybe have your mom watch her while you get your hair done or go to the store, something for a short amount of time.  If you get a good feel, let her "earn" more time with your daughter!  I hope this helps, that is what I would do.  Also, you can always show up earlier than you said you would just to check and make sure everything is safe for your daughter.  Give it a try!  Good luck :)

Answer 11

ok well it looks like you made a good decision and stayed away from bad things..but you mom will always be your mom whether u love her or you dont whether she treated u good or bad she will always be your mother...from what i read i think u shouldnt trust anyone..so if your mom wants to spend time with ur daughter u HAVE to be there with her..same if your brother wants to spend time with her..always be there with your daughter.and be a better A WAYYY better mom to YOUR daughter than your mom was to you...

Answer 12

Hmm...

I see you have a delicate situation here....

I suggest you talk it over with your mom? I mean wether these boys were normal or not, I wouldn't leave a 4 year old boy or girl with 2 18 year olds.

Theres probably a little secret or detail you're mum never told you.

If not yeah disown her.

Answer 13

dont disown ur mom.  every parent makes mistakes and she might have not realized at the time what ur brother was doing.  just dont let ur mom babysit ur baby.  let her visit but nothing other than that.  

Answer 14

I know exactly what you are going through I had almost the same upbringing but my mom raised us alone and she worked 16 hours a day which left no time for us and she was always mean and hard towards us.  When I finally had my son at age 34 she wanted to spend time with him but I was afraid that she would treat him the same way as she treated me but in actuality being a grandparent is different then being a parent and she treated him good because she didn't want to be without being able to see him.  As far as your concern I would let her watch your daughter but do not let her take your daughter to see your brother unless you are there to protect her and tell her why you have made this decision.

Answer 15

Let her have a close relationship with her granddaughter. Just make sure you are there, too. I wouldn't let my baby anywhere near a brother like yours. It's not about trusting your Mom. It's more about trusting her bad judgment. Don't let that baby out of your sight! it's not worth the chance.

Answer 16

Go with your natural motherly instincts. I would not let my child alone with her, it would have to be supervised at all times, every time.

Answer 17

Your mother is always going to be your mother, no matter how neglectful or seemingly without mothering skills, Where did the dysfunction in your family come from?  If your brother exhibits mental illness, you need to know it can have originated through parental genes.  In other words, one or both parents may have passed illness on.

If you don't trust your mother, don't let her watch your baby.  The same for other members.

Families can be a challenge,   Sounds like you have a big one.

I literally live over a thousand miles away from my family, for many reasons.

A tiger cannot change its stripes.

Answer 18

I think you should continue to keep contact with her and not voice any of the issues you have with her or your half brother. Instead just make sure that you are always present when she or him is around your daughter and never allow them to babysit your daughter, and try to make it look like you just don't need a babysitter....etc. Good luck hun...I seriously don't blame you ...AT ALL. Maybe when your daughter is older it will be easy, but right now she's at a helpless and fragile age, if they did anything to hurt her even by accident you may not even know until it's too late, because there would be no way for her to tell you. So keep her close and continue to be protective without feeling guilty. Sounds like your doing a great job already. Good luck !!

Answer 19

Trust your gut feeling-- you are probably right.  You brothers sound scary, I'm sure they haven't changed.  Don't let her babysit-- Just make sure you are always around or very very close by when your mother comes to visit.  Just tell her you "don't want to take advantage of her as a free babysitter." as to not hurt her feelings.

Answer 20

Your mother will always be a part of you and your child's life, there's no denying that, but she doesn't have to babysit if you're not comfortable. I would visit with my daughter and spend time as a family, but I would definitely be uneasy leaving her when I'm gone. Your mom would have wanted the best for you, but at the time didn't use good judgment. Take care of your child, forgive your mother, and do your best to stay close to your family (without putting your child in danger).

Answer 21

You have pretty much answered your own question. If you don't trust your mom, then you should keep your baby away from her. You see stuff like this all the time on the news. Don't do anything stupid, you are a mother now and you have to look out for whats best for your baby...No one else.