Should I ever tell?

Question

I am a 41yr Adoptee, - But I have never told my own child about this.....Should I tell her or let it stay at rest. - Does she really need to know & why?

Answer 1

I would tell her. What's wrong with letting her know that adoption is another way to become part of a family.

I don't care what the anti's say!

Answer 2

You should tell her!  This will probably bring you together. If you don't tell her, she'll probably find out and feel lied too.

Answer 3

She has a right to know--she's your daughter. I don't ever plan on keeping my adoption secret from my kids--personally, I don't think it really matters that much.

Answer 4

Is there a particular reason why you haven't told her yet?  How old is your daughter, maybe she's too young to understand?  If you think she's old enough to understand, then she has every right to know.  It might affect her in the future should you decide to search for your natural family (she'll have to get to know a whole new family that she knew nothing about before), or if a member of your natural family should find you.  Also, what if someone else in your adoptive family lets it slip - do you really want her finding out from someone else and then have her question everything you've ever told her?

If she's too young to understand, you could start by telling her stories about the many different ways family's could be created and then go from there.

Answer 5

I don't think it would be an issue - it would be something interesting to know about you... why have you kept it a secret for all these years?  Are you ashamed of that, or is it just something that you don't feel needs to be out in the open?  Maybe if you are interested, look into finding your relatives together... that could be something neat to do - like a geneology study... or a family tree from your side...

Answer 6

in my own opinion I would tell her. I thinks he has a right to know. I know that I enjoy hearing my familys history and finding out where we came from and our heritage. I found out abotu a year ago that my grandfather was adopted and it hasn't changed anything. I think it's a great thing. Nothing to be ashamed of, but only you know what the right choice is. My only question is how old is she? do you think she can handle it if you tell her the truth? Like I said I think it's better to come clean and be upfront with her about it then to keep it a secret. You'd rather her find out from you then someone else. Good Luck! I know you'll make the right choice in whatever it shall be. I really think there is no wrong answer to this

Answer 7

it shouldnt matter if they know or not cause it doesnt change who u r as a person they will alway love u the same

Answer 8

Why hide it from your child? There's no shame in the truth. So you were adopted. I think that's great. Many kids are not. One reason would be for health history of their blood line. Your child loves you now and may even love you more but certainly not less for sharing this.

Answer 9

No i don't think you should tell. My mother was adopted and she told me. It didn't matter to me, I love her adopted parents the same. If anything I think it brought up alot of questions that were better left unasked.

Answer 10

I know its going to be hard on you to tell her but your life wont be complete unless she know. you don't want to pass away without her knowing. do the right thing.

Answer 11

Yes you need to tell her.  It is her heritage as well.  Both of my daughters know. They were there when the agency lied to me about contacting my natural mother.  It is important for them to understand humanity in its finest glory and cruelty.  They are the very reason why I fight so hard for adoptee rights.  They need to have their heritage too.  

It was once said by Cicero.  One must understand the past to grow into the future or else one remains a child forever.  I am not a child forever and neither are you.  We are grown women who deserve the truth, good and bad.

Answer 12

she CERTAINLY DOES need to know, its her right too. Some state laws include the children of adoptees into their registry to get access to information.

Its now her right too, you should tell her, would you have liked to be kept from your adoption truth? It effects her too imo.

also, medical information, she could need some...

Answer 13

well hard. myself i would keep the secret. only you know if you want to tell!

Answer 14

you tell adoptee kids

Answer 15

Yes do tell. My 24 year old friend just found out last year that his dad was adopted. It was shocking but didn't ruin his life at all because of the way it was handled. The topic just came up at a family reunion but nobody made a big deal about it. Bring it up at the right time and the right place. But don't hide it forever. Secrets are dangerous.

Answer 16

Definitely be honest with your child.  Be proud of where you came from. I think everybody deserves to know about the past of their family etc.  Plus...if for some reason your child is unable to have children when they are ready....they can feel more confident about it from hearing your story.

Good luck!

Answer 17

this child has the right to know. u should tell her before she hears from someone else and another fact is that she ll be upset if u dont tell her anything. tell her

Answer 18

i am 58 adoptee. why not tell your child? what is wrong with that? i mean it would be nice to know who your real relatives are if you hae some alive like me i waited too long to find out or try and they (mom) was dead in 91. i am not saying i would ahve wanted to call her mom nope not it but it would have been nice to at least see her one time and just see what she was like. i know my folks were horrible and i was lucky to get out at 1 day. but you know you were wanted and loved and picked out. the kids that are born to a person aren't pcked out they get what they have. you see how special we are?

Answer 19

Yes.  Secrets and deception always come back to bite us.  And as others have said, you need to look at why you haven't told her yet.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You've got two sets of parents.  You may not know them all now.  That may change.  Keep things clear and open with your daughter, and listen to her response.

Answer 20

She dosen't need to know, but I would tell her any way just to be honest, I don't think she'll make a big deal out of it, and it doesn't need to be a big deal when you tell her.

Answer 21

It seems ot me that it's you who are having a hard time about this and that it may not be all that hard for your child. I personally think you should tell your child because I think genetics is important and I think it's going to become more and more important as the future unfolds and it's also going to become  harder to hide from and more obvious to everyone who is related genetically and who isn't. I think peole have medical reasons why they should know their biological history and I think those reasons will increase as we learn more. I think it now sounds like this is a secret you have kept and the longer you keep it the bigger and more secretive it becomes. Does your husband know? Has your child ever wondered why you don't resemble your parents? I don't know how old your child is at this point either and that might matter as to how you explain your story. I think you must have reasons for why you haven't talked about this before and perhaps you need to consider what they are before you open yourself up to what may be a difficult topic for you to talk about.

Answer 22

You should tell her.  Everyone has a right to know about their bloodlines and where they came from.  I doubt her feelings towards your or her adopted grandparents will change but in my opinion, everyone deserves to know where they come from.  I wouldn't want to live that lie.

Answer 23

What you have to think about is how it's going to effect her , will she want to encourage you to look for your biological parents? how do you feel about doing that?

My mother told me when I was 19 I have a half brother she adopted out 9 months before marrying my father , but she didnt want to find him or meet him , then 4 years later she asked me to help her to find him said it was important for all of us to meet and become a proper family and if he wanted nothing to do with us then that was his right.Now I am 35 and my mother doesnt want him found or in our lives.

I have 3 half sister's and 2 half brother's I've never met but I would love to know them , I have to wait until my mum dies to find my brother :o(.

Answer 24

Its family history. People have always been funny about what they want to reveal with family history. You did not say how old your child is or how you feel about being adopted. Everyone can give advice on to tell or not to tell but I think first you should decide how you feel about it and then maybe think what you would like if you were in your child's shoes. Good luck and your in my prayers

Answer 25

Meaning you were adopted?  Yes, it is not a important have to know basis for your child but she might like to know.

If you mean your daughter is adopted...YES...tell her!!  She will want to know and it is important for her to know because whether we realize it or not we are made up or our parents DNA and that can change  but she will always know something is differant.  So for her sake tell her.

Answer 26

Absolutely, you need to tell. She needs to know that her granparents' medical histories don't impact her, and that there may be issues in her biological grandparents' histories that she doesn't know about and COULD affect her.

Answer 27

I believe that all relationships are built on trust.  When your child learns that you did not tell her the truth about her background (not telling the whole truth is also lying in my book) she will resent you for that.  It is ultimately up to you on what to do, but being honest with yourchildren about most issues will only strengthen your relationship/bond.

Answer 28

Tell her. She should know about her bloodlines. But please don't stress it.

My aunt was adopted and she always talks about it, it is very annoying.