Should I expect details?

Question

This is in adddition to yesterday's question. My husband had an affair. We are trying to work things out and have made some good progress. For some reason, I feel the need to know how he met this woman. He did not meet her through work, but yet she is in a town where he has to go for work. He says I don't need the details, that one will lead to another and it won't make anything better. He also says that he knows I don't trust him and that I may never. Am I wrong in insisting on having this information? I think I want it so that I can make sure it doesn't happen again, at least as much as I can, but I'm not sure. A little help would be appreciated.

Answer 1

You don't need details. Get real. All it will do is add fuel to the fire and let you continue to imagine horrible things. You can't "make sure" it doesn't happen again. You either accept he's a cheater and might cheat again, or you leave.

Answer 2

You shouldn't be expecting details.  You have chosen to forgive and forget and that is exactly what you have to do if you really want to make your marriage work.

You need to drop it and never bring it up again, if your always throwing it in his face eventually it will get to a point where he stops being sorry about it.  Once that happens you can pretty much guarantee that he is going to run off and cheat again, or just plain old divorce you and move on.

Answer 3

you're not wrong for wanting to know, it's just that your husband is right in saying it won't make it better.  details, will only make it worse.  i've been there before and want to give you a small piece of advice:  you cannot "make sure it doesn't happen again".  that is his job.  

i'm thinking that you should go to counseling to handle these new trust issues, which may have some underlying correlating issues within.  in time, you will be able to trust your husband again ... in time.

it makes me happy that you're one of the few willing to at least try and work it out after infidelity. i've done it - and i'll tell you what, i have never trusted my husband more than i do at this very minute, and we have never been happier in our marriage than we are now.  

it CAN be done, if you both want it to work.  good luck!

Answer 4

The details will only hurt you more.  

Answer 5

Many betrayed spouses find themselves with the need to know certain details.  Just what you want to know is up to you.  Sometimes, what we imagine happened is so overwhelming and obsessive thoughts, mental images are common for many a betrayed spouse.  You cannot just ignore the problems.  They need to be addressed.  

Your life just became became very confused, a big puzzle with lots of pieces missing and your spouse holds those pieces.  

Part of rebuilding trust will need to start with ending secrets.  He wants you to trust him blindly, without knowing just what actions you are being asked to live with.  

A study done by Peggy Vaughan of couples in recovery after an affair showed that couples that discussed the affair did better in the long run.

Radical, compassionate honesty is needed to rebuild trust after a betrayal like this.   Keeping secrets doesn't help.  

He will need to earn that trust, it will come slowly by him being open and accountable.   Sounds like he is just trying to protect himself, not you.  It should be up to you to figure out just how much information you need to heal.  The questions will not go away just because you ignore them, they will just fester with time.  Now, just keep in mind that some details will remain in your mind and will take time to be able to suppress.  But, I'm sure your imagination has done much worse already.  

Not knowing the truth will not stop you from imagining the worst.  

The truth tends to trickle out over time.  It's really hard to keep up secrets, it takes lots of energy to maintain them and keep them from slipping.   Now that you are aware, you are looking, thinking things over.  Pieces of the story will come to light and each time be a setback as you deal with this 'story' coming out over time.   As long as he is keeping this part of his life secret, he will have to guard his words, trying to keep the lie and cover up going.  It will keep a wall up between you.

Check the yahoo group site FILES below for information about 'the need to know' and look for "Josephs letter".

Answer 6

Seriously...what is knowing this information going to provide you???  Nothing.  So what if he knows her from work...are you going to make him quit his job?  Does that make it less likely that he will do it again at this job or another job IF he really wanted to have another affair--NO!

You REALLY DO NOT need to know the details.  Once you know them, your imagination will run away with it and it WILL get worse and drive you even more crazy.

Do you realize who you are truly punishing by not trusting him?  Its YOU!  Because you will constantly being wondering what he's doing, how long he's going to be gone, etc.  IF you truly cannot forgive and forget, there is no point in trying to work it out.  If you can, then you need to wipe the slate and go from there because everything in life is a risk and IF it ever happened again, then you will be SURE that its time to end the relationship and you will have closure.

Answer 7

I think he doesn't want to hurt your further, which will inevitably happen if you hear the details.  Trust me, you won't be able to get it out of your head.  The real question is, do you think you can trust him again?  If not, do yourself a favor and move on.  No man is worth making you miserable.

Answer 8

no all these questions ur asking him are soo normal.  cuz i cheated on my husband also.  believe me im not bragging either i feel horrible. but when it did happen my husband was asking all the questions u did. why where how everything. it was so hard.  the mistakes i made was telling him. MARK MY WORDS OKAY! cuz i dont want another person to go through this. it will cause more probz the more info u know about it trust me.  at first ur mind will confuse u thinking if i know more i will feel better since hes being truthful nope wrong! after me and my husband talked about it. it got worse.  all he could think about was how i cheated number 1 and number 2 was everything i told him.  this is so hard for anyone to go through. but u have to stay strong. u will ge through this. it takes years. its been 2-3 years for us. and im telling u it finally started getting better.  he no longer as the thoughts u do now.  he does get them every once in a while. and he does get nightmares he tells me.  but were not fighting about it anymore.  i hope that helps and i hope everything works out for u guys. good luck and stay strong!

Answer 9

Here you are trying to work past the history, and here you are bringing it up for more details. What's that going to get you? Are you going to be keeping him on a leash, dictating where he can go, making him account for all his time? What you're really telling him is that, "Hang on. I've got you now, and I'm going to use it make you step and fetch and be treated like a child, and you just have to take it. Guess what. He doesn't have to take it. You decided you could stay together in the face of a mistake and betrayal. Fine. No one can say you were wrong.But when you decided that, you committed to a MARRIAGE, just like before, and that means you trust. If you can't do that, no marriage, and you're just jerking each other around. Could he cheat again. Sure. Just like he could have cheated (and did) before. You decided to take another chance. Keep up the way you're going. You won't  have the problem any more after a while.  

Answer 10

Personally, I'd want details too.  If that would be detrimental to my mental and emotional health... I really don't know, but I would insist on details regardless if I had made the decision to leave him or not.

Answer 11

It will not do any good you cant stop someone from cheating and just because he met her in one place doesn't mean he would met the next in the same way. Your mind is just racing and trying to rationalize and deal with this situation as best it can so you are looking for something to ease your pain and anxiety but the only thing that will do that is time because time can heal everything. In time you will begin to see he is not going to do it again in time you will see that he is sorry JUST BY HIM BEING THERE but it has to take time because being with him all this time before he made the mistake is what made you trust him in the first place.

Answer 12

He messed up and has alot of nerve telling you that you DO NOT need details...

If you want details - and if this jerk still wants to be in YOUR picture - he must fess up.

Never settle for less than you deserve.

Good luck.

Answer 13

He was in the wrong, he knows he was in the wrong, he should be more than willling to give you any answers you may EVER ask the questions for.  If he wont give you the answers then you will never fully trust him again,  

Answer 14

I can see how not knowing every little detail would be eating at you, but think about it.  Why do you really need to know?  Wouldn't it just make things hurt even more knowing every single little detail?  If he met her at a gas station, then what?  Are you going to follow him to every gas station from now on?  What about the grocery store?  Will you prevent him from ever going to a grocery store again?  I think the bottom line is, do the details really matter?  He cheated.  There's the detail you need.  Anything more will just hurt you and slow - or stop - your healing process.  What he really needs to do now, if he really wants to repair the damage he's done, is never, ever have anything to do with that woman ever again, in any way, shape or form.  And if he can't give you that, then THOSE actions speak way louder than any words.  Good luck.

Answer 15

That is a hard one!! I can see how you would want the details so that you may be able to prevent it in the future. But I could also see how he could not want to give you the details because then it would dredge up other concerns like ... why? Why did you do this? so you were lying to me i called you and you said you were doing this? is she better in bed than i am? do you think she's prettier than me? If you two are going to try to get past this (which I commend you both for this, it's hard to do ... I don't think I could forgive my husband for adultery) then try to get past this. Know that he did it, make him work to regain what trust he can, and hope you guys can make it through. Good Luck to both  of you!

Answer 16

don't make your self crazy that's bad for you,and know if he cheated once he will cheat twice.