Should I follow her new financial plan for the family or stick with mine?

Question

So my wife hated my financial plan for the family, now she has a plan and I hate it too

The Plans

-my plan says-

All income go to one account and we both decide where the extra money goes after bills.

-her plan says-

Each person's income goes to his/her own account (child support to hers) and the amt specified by her, goes to the joint account for the bills. Each person put equal amounts toward groceries, and each person put $100 towards savings.

The reason she disagrees with my plan is because she wants to be financially independent, and the reason I disagree with her plan is because it's too complicated and there is no room to deal with financial emergencies. Also, I was in charge of the bills while she will be in charge of the bills while her plan in running.

So, should I go with her plan even if I think it's not going to work and is unfair, or try it to see the results?

Answer 1

Are you partners in marriage or roommates?  You need to see a marriage counselor.  "His" and "Hers" go away once married.

Answer 2

Well, most marital counselors I've talked with do say that marriage is primarily a financial relationship and that is the biggest factor that affects whether your marriage will survive in the long term or not. There are alot of worldviews out there but if you believe that the 2 become one flesh and you want to realize that keeping one another accountable for spending can be a good thing - keeping all of the money joint is the way to go. There are a ton of benefits to your plan. If both names are on every account and you both have access to see everything - there is no question about who the money belongs to if one of you dies - it's a way of taking care of each other in the event of death for one thing. That way you don't have relatives and others squabbling over who gets your spouse's money - there's no question. Also, when one person says they want to be "financially independent" - they are saying that they don't want to be held accountable to how they spend their money. How then do you save in the case of wanting children in the future? Who will pay for that huge expense? If there comes a time when one of you are tempted to have an affair - having your own accounts makes it easier for you to keep a secret instead of being completely honest about where your money goes. If you're human, then you will be tempted to spend money unwisely and use it in a way that could cause an end to your marriage. I think it's all a part of protecting your spouse and your marriage that your plan is the best. Especially in the case of having a medical crisis - having access to all funds in one place is going to be crucial to your survival in the case that she is not capable to do some things or make decisions for a time. Yeah - my husband and I have been hit with 4 kids that we weren't exactly trying for, at least 3 medical emergencies (fortunately 3 months or less each), unexpected job loss, plus having a son with developmental delays requiring all kinds of treatment and therapy. We don't have a ton of money - but if we weren't totally one with the finances and in agreement in having rules on spending habits - we most certainly would be bankrupt. As it is, we are homeowners and are getting by - although a bit behind where we'd like to be due to these factors. If we had separate finances we'd be playing the blame game on things and argue about who has to pay for what and who deserves to be able to spend more on themselves and not having enough for our children - yeah - her plan would have ended our marriage that's for sure! Having joint accounts, neither of us creating debt based on individual income and a joint budget has been the way to go for us! I think that you really should perhaps talk to a marital counselor or pastor regarding finances, talk to other people you know and get more insight and knowledge before making such a weighty decision that could save or destroy you. Most people have certain values before marriage and talk these kinds of things through during pre-marital counseling to ensure that you're both on the same page - but if she wants to change the plan now - you really need to research and talk to other people to find out what works for them before just deciding to do what she says she wants. What she wants may not be what she really wants if she fully understands the positives and negatives of each. But, alot of spouses especially early in marriage - do not listen to it coming from their spouse - but if a third party who is not biased towards either of you says something - then the light goes on and things start to make sense to them rather than having it be a power struggle between the two of you.

Answer 3

Mark. it looks like a real family situation. Yes I think her plan is complicated and will probably cause confusion and some controversy. Most marriages merge their incomes and some one or both sit down and do the bills. Try to allow her to keep some kind of separate account (for her independence) and explain that the simpler the plan the easier to pay bills and necessities.

Spartawo...

Answer 4

hello - get a financial coach (not a stockbroker, but someone who looks at your money and gives you guidance one what makes sense allowing for your personal "comfort" needs)  who is impartial and can help you work through it with both of you feel secure and safe, and that it is fair.   at the end of the days the feelings you describe are about security (for her) and fairness (for you).  this is a surmountable issue, but work through it as a team, not adversaries.  

good luck

Answer 5

Okay, the child support from her ex clouds the issue a little.  You need to be able to prove that the money was spent on her kids.  She may also feel that she should be decision maker when it comes to the child support from her ex (after all, if he whines about how she spent it, she has to answer to him).

However, a marriage is a partnership.  You are more than roommates!

Your plan was the more logical one as it recognizes that while you each work, the money belongs to both of you.   It really doesn't matter who made the money or who has the "better" job, longer hours, etc.  I suspect the weakness in your plan is it didn't have a large enough fudge factor.  (Spouses deserve to have money they don't have to account for, justify, defend or even spend.)

The problem with her method is that it is *all* fudge factor.  It has each of treating your net pay as "your" income.  (Gee, what will you do if one of you is laid off, gets sick or just wants to quit???)  Invariably, one person screws up their W-4 (temporarily increasing their net pay and then causing a tax bill) or doesn't save a cent above the joint savings amount.  Then when an emergency hits, they want the other spouse to pick up the tab out of the money they didn't spend.

I've known couples that budgeted for dining out, taking clothes to the laundry, paying for a maid and hiring someone to do yardwork.  If one spouse wanted more fudge factor, they did the shopping/cooking, did the laundry etc and moved the budget amount to their column.

Answer 6

I prefer your plan, but could you modify it to:

All income to joint account, from which a set amount will be deflected to savings.  An agreed sum to each of you as personal spending money, which may be cash in hand or into separate bank account, as you prefer.  All groceries and bills to come from the joint account.  This way, you are each  independent with regard to your own spending (or you could hoard it away if you liked), but you are still a team in other matters and shared expenses.

Any other way is building in a secrecy factor, where the other person is being excluded, and I would worry a bit about that.

The financial independence she proposes applies just to a single person.  Married people share the burden.

Answer 7

Being financially independent means that your income would suffice for you if you were to be single.  Is she trying to do something and spend money that you do not know about?  Does she feel too pressured by answering to you on where and when she spends money?  You are married, which means she gave up her independence...as did you!  The way she wants it makes it sound like you guys are just roommates.  Everything should be combined now.  It's not yours and mine now...it's ours!  

I think your plan sounds a lot more logical, but you both need to compromise on where the money goes.  It shouldn't be just one person dictating where every dollar is spent.