Should I forgive my father who is very successful, who has a new family and has repeatedly forgotten my bday?

Question

Although I was raised in New york city by a single mother on welfare, my father who also came from poverty is now very successful as a psycologist. He is nationally recognized and also teaches at a well known university. He is remarried and raising two daughters in a very wealthy part of the country. I have always felt that my father was cheap with his money though he may think that he has been generous since he has given me and my 39 year old sister some money over the years. I am 38 years old; I recently married the father of my 2 young sons. I feel that once I hit 21 years old his obligations to want to help me (unlike my 39 year old sister that never went to college) ended. I graduated from law school and am struggling to pay back student loans that he never helped me with, though I have repeatedly asked for help.

My husband and I recently took our children to visit him and his family. This wasn’t the first time that I have visited and felt unwelcomed and felt totally dissed by his wife in many different small ways that are too long, tedious and hurtful to get into. Although I have never confronted his wife out of respect for my father and for the sake of harmony in his household I have always expressed my dissatisfaction to him and did so with this visit and discussed our relationship a couple of days after I got back home. I have never been one to bite my tongue, I always speak my mind, unlike my older sister who does not communicate with him, she doesn't ask for anything, and doesn't look for him. She is secretly angry with him but would never say so. She also hates his wife, but his wife seems to adore her and buys her and her children gifts. I get no gifts, no invites and no respect. He recently forgot my birthday for the umteenth time in my life. He sent a belated birthday card, a $50.00 check, asking for forgiveness. I am very angry! I don't feel that I am being ungrateful since I have forgiven many times before, and I don't think he has forgotten any of my other sisters' birthdays. Also, I have appreciated all that he has done for me, since I know I could've done a lot worse in life if it wasn't for the father I did have. but on the other hand I feel like I could've been a lot more successful in my career if he had invested in me the way he is doing with my younger sisters. My first gut reaction is to send the card and the money back to him and tell him to shove it up his ***! I can't even fill up the gas tank with $50 these days, especially since my husband and I are both unemployed and expecting our 3rd child, which I have not announced to dad yet. Should I tell my dad to go to h**l and that he will never know his new grandchild? or should I keep the money and never speak to him again?

Answer 1

do some extra job, take a deep breath and send him a thank-you note and a $200 check so he can afford himself some secret desires that he cannot do because his B wife. There is no deeper humiliation. Even if he doesnt recognize it now, you know what was the message. Enjoy and cry. Enjoy you managed in spite of him and cry you had to go through it. Learn. Never let him near you again. Tell him you are crazy and you dont know what you are doing but you just feel he shouldnt be around him, he is too nice to have someone like you around.  

Answer 2

WOW!  You are one angry lady!

I do NOT understand why you are acting like a victim.

He doesn't really sound all that terrible.  You should laugh at his faults, and help him remember things that are important to you.  

Being angry is a lot of work, and it hurts.

It is far less work, to remind him of things, and be glad he responds in even small ways.

You've already stated that your father is a very busy man, and that he DID send you a birthday card, with a small gift, and asked to be forgiven because it was late.

So it is really "insecure" of you to remain angry.

YOU need to get over your "anger" issues.  

Here are the goals you need to reach in life, for YOURSELF.  If you do not reach for these goals, you are going to be angry for the rest of your life about this.

What you WANT is to find acceptance inside yourself, so that nothing others do will have power over you.

STOP blaming your father for your problems.

ACCEPT that only YOU are responsible for yourself.

ACCEPT that people do not act the way YOU think they should.

No parent is "obligated" to help their child succeed.

NO parent is "obligated" to pay their childs debts.

Where did you ever get such an idea?

No parent is obligated to give their child a gift.

No child should expect any input as to what second spouse their parent chooses.  Instead, whom ever he chooses, you should be supportive of him, and polite to her.  No one said you have to like her, or that she has to like you.  

It would be very nice, if you would mind your manners when visiting them.  Even if she is a raging witch, in their home, you should be polite.

You said you often "speak your mind".  Sometimes that can come off as "rudeness".  

You should NEVER give people your opinion unless they ask you for it, and even then you should temper what you say.  

If you don't like this woman, then when you visit, stay in a hotel, and invite your Dad only to dinner, and to go places with you in his town.  Just say you want some time alone with him, and that is quite an acceptable request.

If you deny your Dad to see his grandchildren, then YOU will be the UGLY one, and that is far more horrible, than him forgetting your birthday.  Don't ever do such a thing!

I accept that people get busy and forget my birthday.  So I give them little hints such as: "For my birthday dinner this year, I'd like to go to Logan's Friday night."

How hard is that?

You should accept your Dad's belated gift, and stop being so angry over things you can't change.  Accept what is...and work with it.

You're making yourself into a "victim" in this relationship, and playing that role is YOUR fault.

One should NEVER live as a "victim"...and

instead they should take charge of their own response to other peoples defects.

  

Your Dad is what he is...

at least you still have a Dad.  That is SO WONDERFUL.

(My parents are passed away).

^j^

  

Answer 3

First of all you should realize that he might be a little distracted because of his career. But that's really no excuse for forgetting your birht day so if you confront him be totally honest about your feelings he's your dad he derserves to know. You're the one that mentioned "I  couldn't  have gotten this far in my career if it wasn't for your dad" but you're right you might have been a better person if your dad had paid a little more attention to you instead of your sisters. You know you shouldn't  tell you dad to go to h**l and that he will never know his grandchildren you are talking about the guy who gave you life! As for you thinking he and his wife are giving you the cold shoulder you might want to have a chat with him over the phone, internet, or hey g to your own father in person tell him why you feeling so angry maybe he'll understand. It can have a major effect on a person when they barely know their Dad, Mom, Grandma or, Grampa. Trust me I'm only 13 and my grandparents on my Dad's side died before I was born so I never knew them and my grampa on my Mom's side died when I was 4 years oldI came home and cried for what seemed like a half an hour I miss them terribly so I know what it's like trying to grow up not knowing an important relative.

Answer 4

You can't make him love you, and you can't make him treat you the way you would like him to. Yes, it sure seems as if he is being unfair to you, and I'm sure you have a thousand questions about why that will go unanswered. Instead of choosing one or the other, you could combine the two ideas: you could keep the money, send him a note letting him know that he will never know his new grandchild, and then never speak to him again.  How you handle it depends upon what you hope to gain from your actions.  It sounds like you want to hurt him back, and that is understandable.  However, will your actions, whatever they are, have the desired result?  And ultimately, will that serve any purpose?  Or will it just bring more negativity to your life?

I recently made such a decision of my own. I decided not to tell someone everything I think about him.  I decided that whatever I had to say to him probably wouldn't make a bit of difference in him, it wouldn't change anything in the past, it wouldn't make me feel any better because it wouldn't phase him, and it would just be another negative thing to add to the pile. I opted for release.  I'm not saying anything at all, and I shut him out of my life.  I lose nothing by shutting him out, and there's certainly nothing to gain but more negativity and unhappiness by keeping him in.

You have to make your own choice and be able to live with it.  I hope you do well.  Good luck.

Answer 5

Wow, no, just Wow!!!  Um, I was 18 when my financial support was cut off, what limited financial support that was, you are 38, let it go, maybe, just maybe, when he buys the farm, he will try to rectify some of his past ills with monetary rewards, but until then, let it go.   God Bless.

Answer 6

Keep the money (if you need it), but send the card back with a note saying, thanks now my family can actually eat today.

Seriously, as a psychologist he should know better.  And as a father he should want better.  My dad sounds kinda like yours, but hes way worse.  My mom and him divorced when I was young.  During the marriage he didn't allow her to work or go to school, so when they divorced, she had nothing.  His plan was to get custody of us and then leave us with his parents so he wouldn't have to worry about anything and still get the child support money.  It didn't work and my mom got custody.  He left her with all 4 of us kids (aged 2-10) and ran to another state just to avoid paying child support.  He was making $65,000/yr and my mom was making $17,000/yr when she finally got a job.  In the beginning when child support knew where he was, he had to put us on his health insurance, but took us off as sson as child support checked, then he ran off.  My mom had to work 2 jobs and try to squeeze in a class when she could and my older sister was stuck watching us.  We got evicted all the time because she couldn't pay the rent.  It took her about 15 years to get her B.S.  Finally when child support found him, he tried to convince us to live with him just so he wouldn't have to pay my mom child support, not because he liked us or anything.  The worse thing is, my sister told me when my grandpa died, he had money that was supposed to go to his children and to give to their children too.  Instead my dad used the money to pay off all his debts, including back due child support.

So what I am saying is your father isn't the worst father in the world, but he's certainly not the best.  I say give him a hard time to let him know that you are really hurt and serious.  Hopefully he will see this and will change.  If he doesn't, then f**k him, you don't need him.  Cut off all ties.

Answer 7

My parents have been married for 37 years.  My dad not only doesn't know when my birthday is, he doesn't even know how old I am.

It's not a big deal since I'm not relying on birthday money to survive.

Unemployed and pregnant???????

Don't even get me statred

Answer 8

You are 38 years old..please get over your pappa and his money etc

Youve graduated fm Law school so y are you unemployed? Instead of stressing overd ur dad..just focus on getting a job

You cd keep the 50$ check....dnt be so stressed...take ur resentment out of ur mind dear