Should I forgive the mistakes of someone who holds mine against me?

Question

I'm not talking about a co-worker or someone I bumped into at the grocery store. I'm talking about a person who I was very close to. This person came down hard on me for my shortcomings, yet expects me to just overlook theirs without a word of apology.

What would you do?

Answer 1

Don't excuse her behavior.  Show her you are not weak and will not be walked all over or taken advantage of.  A person who does not ask for forgiveness or is the least bit remorseful does not deserve to be forgiven in the first place.

Answer 2

Maybe you've outgrown the relationship?  It sounds as if you'd like to continue this relationship, but only if she apologizes and recognizes her shortcomings.  But if you think about it, she is not sufficiently emotionally mature to handle a give and take relationship.  Do you want to remain friends?  Maybe it's time to cut her loose... really it's ok.  

I just went through this with someone that I loved very much and I felt a lot of guilt because of it, but after some time apart, I realized that her shortcomings were dragging me down, and that her focus on my shortcomings made her blind to her own.  

I still consider her a friend, but I don't spend time with her anymore...I just don't feel good afterwards.  

Answer 3

Forgiving is something one does for oneself.

That does not mean we should allow ourselves to be placed in a vulnerable position again.

Answer 4

For your own piece of mine you should forgive them.  However, never forget!

Don't let them come down on you without sharing how you feel about their behavior.  They are violating you.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are talking about my mom and me.  It's a very frustrating situation.  I would suggest you sit down and talk with this person and make sure you control the conversation.  Explain to them what you have explained to us.  It may or may not work, depending on the rationality of the person, but at least you have said your piece.  If this person cannot get their head around the fact that everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes, then perhaps you will feel better overall if you sever ties with this person.  You don't need to take this kind of abuse from anyone.

Answer 6

it will carry on that way forever if you don't speak up and that will do you no good,it will pray on your mind, they are in the wrong, you need to speak out.

Answer 7

It is really easy to forgive someone after you give them a minor case of food poisoning.    

Answer 8

Here is what I am learning as a recovering people pleaser. Sounds like you are like me in that you just keep those rose colored glasses on when your 'friend' criticizes you. Let me tell you, by you faking that everything is ok you are telling them to walk all over you. You are part of the cycle even though I am not blaming you. What I mean is this, you do not have to be nice to everyone all the time. If someone is not treating your right then you could speak up and be assertive or just walk away. Speak up and see what they say. I bet you they back down and say something like the proverbial, 'I am only kidding'. In fact the experts say people will respect you more for speaking up and if you keep your rose colored glasses on like I did, these people will not only not like you but they will keep up the cycle of aggression towards you. Hang around people who lift you up, not bring you down.

Answer 9

Nobody wants to be the door-mat, and I think that's the way you've been treated.  Simply state your opinion and let it be. It doesn't mean that you have to be nasty in doing so. Be the bigger person. Who knows you may not want to continue a relationship with this person?.

Answer 10

I was in a similar problem with a family member. Forgive them so you don't have resentful feelings towards them, but be distance from them for now on...