Should I get my future in laws a present before our wedding?

Question

My parents are awesome, they've always loved and supported me my entire life and have always been there for me. They have also accepted my fiance as their own, and I could not ask for a better relationship. For their gift, we are paying for the parents albums from my photographer ($250, an exact replica of our wedding album only smaller) and will maybe get them an engraved picture frame or something.

On the other hand, my fiance is not very close with his family and they have made no effort to be involved in our wedding planning whatsoever. Not only that, but they haven't even extended an invitation to me to come over or anything since we've gotten engaged, and are just nasty people in general.

My question is: are we still supposed to get them some sort of present, even though they CLEARLY don't deserve anything? And can we give my parents their present at the rehearsal dinner but not give his family anything (btw, my parents are footing the bill for like 90% of the wedding, except for wedding rings and invitations, which we're paying for ourselves. His parents have not offered one red cent). OR, should we just present the bridal party with gifts at the rehearsal dinner, and just give my parents their present later, when his parents aren't around and won't feel offended?

Thanks for your comments!

Answer 1

Man, the in-laws of the bride can never win.  They get criticized for being to involved then they get criticized for not being involved enough.  They aren't mind readers.  Have you actually talked to them?  Do they even know what you expect of them.

Maybe they are trying to respect boundaries.  That seems to be the typical thing that is preached by daughter-in-laws.

Of course you should get them something.  You say they don't deserve it.  You give a gift because you want to not because someone earned it.  That is your future hubby's parents.  They need to be treated equally as your parents and now is the time to start.  I sure hope you are fair with them as grandparents when you have children.    

It sounds like you have poor communication skills with them.   Try giving them a chance you may be richly rewarded.  

Answer 2

Don't give it at the rehearsal dinner. I don't care what they've done, if you're close enough with them to have them at the wedding they don't deserve that kind of slap in the face.

Answer 3

A gift is a gift - it shouldn't be given out of obligation, but out of kindness and generosity. If you truly dislike these people (which is the tone you're giving off), do not get them a gift. Whatever you decide, though, keep it to yourself. There's no need to tell either set of parents what the other set is or isn't getting.

It would be much more polite to give gifts in private, not at the rehearsal dinner. Giving your parents and bridal party a gift while giving nothing to your future in-laws is a public snub, and very rude. It doesn't matter how much your parents are contributing to the wedding - give them the present in private so it's clear that the gift is being given because you want to, not because you want to make a show of it.

Answer 4

I wonder how objective you're being.  However, assuming you're giving us the straight skinny, I wouldn't get them anything.

Answer 5

Well maybe his parents will come @ but you can give it to them when you feel like it. if they hurt just tell them we wanted to do sumthing in a thank you kind of way for helping us with the wedding. may god bless you all

Answer 6

It's always been the brides family who pay for the wedding.  Have you asked them to be a part of it, or just figured they should?

Even though the family isn't close to him now, they may be some day. Their his parents!

If your going to only give to those who give, then I suggest you only give to your parents in private.  It would in my opinion make you look like one cold B*tch.  

I do hope that in your future, your man and his family can become closer.  And I hope YOU can accept them as they are as your in-laws

Answer 7

If they are really as bad as you say, I wouldn't even invite them to the wedding, however, it is proper etiquette to do so. As for getting them a gift, I wouldn't waste my money. I doubt they will even get you guys anything, so, just give your parents their gift whenever you want. Don't feel bad if his parents mind, they obviously would be acting more mature if they wanted or expected anything. If they do happen to give you a gift though, send a nice thank you note.

Answer 8

doesn't sound like they are interested in your wedding. I wouldn't bother with them. I would give your parents the gift at a later time. It's your wedding and you should be focused on making the best day of your life not to have to worry about them and their ignorance. They should be the ones trying to get you a gift. You have enough to worry about. I wouldn't bother trying to make them happy when they clearly don't think about your feelings. Congrats and Good luck.

Answer 9

Even if they are horrible you don't want to be as petty as them.  If you are going to present your parents with something at the rehearsal dinner or wherever his parents are going to be, you need to get them something too of comparable quality.  On that note, your parents sound like really nice, reasonable people.  While parent gifts are often given at the rehearsal dinner, they don't have to be.  I am sure your parents know what is going on with his parent.  Don't give out any parent gifts at the rehearsal and later, you and your fiance take your parents out for a nice dinner and give them their separate gift.  

Answer 10

It is definitely not necessary to give his parents a gift. Here are some options:

1. Give everyone their gifts at the rehearsal dinner, and give something small to his parents (this is extending the olive branch) - maybe a pretty picture frame, since you're giving your parents an album.

2. Give the attendants their gifts at the rehearsal dinner and your parents their gifts either before or after (this is being tactful).

3. Give everyone their gifts at the rehearsal dinner and don't give his parents anything (this might cause some hurt feelings).

Answer 11

His parents do not sound very helpful, even though you do not feel that they deserve a gift I would still probably give your parents their gift alone, or if you really want to give them all out at once i would make sure you emphasize why you are giving them something so his parents understand.

Are his parents in a good financial position to help out? My mother in law is the same way, her feelings are that she was independent and did everything on her own growing up and expects the same from my husband.

Answer 12

As far as etiquette goes, you should give them a little something, even if you just give them an 8x10 of one of your wedding pictures in a nice frame.  You obviously wouldn't have the parent album for your mom and dad on the day of the rehearsal dinner, so just wait until all the pictures are ready and give them to your parents and his parents separately.

Don't snub them.  Even if they've shown no interest, you don't want to start out your marriage on that note.

Answer 13

In your particular case, I would get them a nice picture frame and call it a day after that. I wouldn't tell them you're paying for your parents' album, just play it off as something they purchased on their own, and  invite your in-laws to purchase one as well if they'd like (it sounds like they won't, though). Even though it's tempting to not get them anything, I still would just because they're attending (at least, I'm assuming they are). Also, you never know what could happen in the future. maybe you guys will eventually break the ice with them and become close, and you'll look back and be happy you got them that frame as a gift. The rehearsal dinner is really the best place to present the gifts, and then you'll definitely need to get them at least something.

Hope that helps!

Answer 14

It's at your discretion whether or not you want to give your in-laws a gift. From the sounds of it I don't think that they deserve one. But there are always two sides to every story. If you decide not to give them a gift then I would hold off on giving your parents theirs. Plus, I am a little confused on how you would give your parents a wedding album at the rehearsal dinner when the wedding hadn't even happened yet. Good luck to you and your future husband. May you have a long and joyous marriage.