Should I get serious with a guy who is always trying to get my sympathy?

Question

Should I date a guy who is always trying to get my sympathy?

Background: I've been dating this guy for about a year. He is always telling me stories about how people have hurt him, and how no one but me has really loved him. A third party told me he mistreated his ex-wives (he's been divorced twice) but when I asked him about it, he refused to discuss or really acknowledge the first marriage, and he told me all the horrible things his second wife did to him during the relationship.

My friends tell me he's a manipulative jerk; I just think no one has loved him enough to be patient with him.

What do you think?

Answer 1

This is a control thing, let him go bye bye...he will just hurt you in the end or maybe the middle but it will hurt and you will feel dumb and you will feel helpless and like you did something wrong...The way a man talks about his ex-wives says alot about the relationship. Its not one sided and to avoid a conversation is not safe, especially of abuse.  

Answer 2

I think you are fool # 3 and you should leave your fantasy world and seriously start listening to your friends.

Why would you even want to be with a man who uses pity to get and hold on to a woman? Poor me, don't leave me, feel sorry for me!

Girl you need to kick this abuser to the curb and get yourself a real man.  

Answer 3

Without knowing the whole story, I tend to agree with your friends. A lot of people tend to focus only on what the other person did and try to blame them, but they never give you the whole picture. Maybe she did do horrible things to him, IDK, but you have no way of knowing what he did to her. It's possible neither divorce was his fault. My mom was divorced twice before she married my step dad. Her first husband beat her and my dad cheated on her, but at the same time, she didn't try to get sympathy for her failed relationships. She brushed herself off and got on with life. I guess the worrisome part about him to me, is he still seems to be living in the past if he talks about being hurt all the time. That would have to bring you down some too, having to constantly console him. I would have told him a long time ago to quit it.

Answer 4

Talk to his ex wife and get her side of the story. He sounds like he's manipulative and probably a liar. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like him go for it. I think you are fooling yourself. I did and had 15 years of misery.

Some of the characteristics that identify narcissists:

They are successful and goal-oriented but show no empathy or concern for others.

They are charismatic, well spoken and funny.

They disrespect boundaries and others' privacy.

They patronize and criticize others.

They can be cruel and abusive toward peers, but charming in front of their managers.

They expect special treatment and privileges.

They are manipulative

They abhor criticism or disagreement.

They are anxious or paranoid, reacting with rage when they can't control a situation or their behaviors are exposed.

Answer 5

Ms. Iryna!!!!! RED FLAG ALERT!!!!!! This is the type of guy that instead of being upright, honest, compassionate and intelligent enough to have relationships (because it takes time and work) wants to take the easy route and be the victim and work off your sympathies. Ask yourself this...why are there so many ex's in his recent past? These type of guys are usually very insecure, manipulative, secret aggressors that can have hidden traits which make them a real bad experience. You can not love some one enough to save them from themselves or their past. I never talk about my past except to confirm there is a past, because the only thing I can control is the future. That is how a real man approaches these lessons. Do not be sucked in by your compassionate side, listen to your head.

Answer 6

lololol.  hey sorry it was the last statment.  We ALWAYS think if we just give them enough love.....

doest work.  the poor me card is a sure indicator that he/she is a person that deflects blame, doesnt want responsiblity for their own actions etc.  

BTDT wont ever again.  I look VERY carefully at men that always are "getting screwed".  usually its self inflicted

Answer 7

I think your friends are right.

Answer 8

say bye bye!

Answer 9

I hate whiners.  If he's attracted to people that abuse him then it's partially his fault anyway.  I mean MAN UP & move the F on already, right?  Yuck.  I dated someone like that.  Waaaaaaahhhh.  Over it.

Answer 10

How come your friends can see it and you can't. Drop that bum, he is a loser. How many wives has he been through now? OH so that means that you will be # ?

Answer 11

Don't show sympathy, from the sounds of it if what your friend says is true i think you better get the facts before getting to involved. if what your friend says is right you can proceed if you want but do it with caution and let him know that you will not allow him to manipulate or control you. and if what your friend says is right that is exactly what he is doing by trying to get you to feel sympathy for him. becareful and good luck.

Answer 12

Dump him. He's just too goddamn whiny.  

Answer 13

He sounds like trouble. No one needs a guy who mopes and complains all the time. It won't get any better after you marry him. Twice-divorced is a real bad sign too.

Answer 14

What do you like about this guy, other than feeling sorry for him?

Answer 15

I am sure no guy is going to admit what they did wrong in there failed  marriage.