Should I give my baby up for adoption or give it to the father?

Question

I am 17 and I made a big girl decision but can't live with the big girl consequences. I was engaged to the baby's father (he is 23) for a year until 2 months into the pregnancy when I started figuring out how much of a bum he really is. I am not ready to be a parent nor am I willing to have my parents raise another child. I don't want to be a parent in general, I never have. Babies scare me to be honest. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I don't have any money because my parents wont allow me to work before or after I have the baby, so no, I don't even have a car. I don't want to be in contact with the father for the rest of my life. I want my baby to have a great life filled with opportunity that I cannot give it because I am not the superwoman you read about in newspaper articles. The father wants to be in the babies life and help raise it but I know he is not capable of doing so because he will not finish college or get a job if his life depended on it.

Answer 1

The child is yours and his.  If you don't want to be a parent, that is fine.  But, he does.  This child is his flesh and blood, too.  You can't be certain what kind of father he will be.  Both he and his child have a right to be together and he has not proven himself unfit.

Whatever you do, please don't circumvent his rights as some suggest you may do.  It's not fair to your child, either, if you do that.  Your child deserves his or her family.

Answer 2

Do you know what all of the consequences are that come with bringing a child into the world and surrendering him/her?

I sure didn't know the consequences of surrendering my son to adoption 24 years ago. It has had a life-long affect on me that I didn't even recognize for many years after he and I were parted. I felt so horrible about it, yet never discussed it with anyone so could never comprehend the ways in which losing my son had on me, until...21 years later when my son found me. All of a sudden, I realized that I had unconsciously made many decisions throughout my life that were directly related to surrendering my baby. 1) No long-term relationships for me - I didn't want to come to love someone and have that terrible feeling of loss from parting again, 2) I didn't want to be around infants, babies, or young children (especially, children around my own child's age) because I didn't want to be reminded of what I lost. These two points made me cut off many people around me, including my own family, who because they never talked to me about the loss of my son, I felt didn't care about me. It is hard to hear you mother or father talk so lovingly about another grandchild and never mention the one that you brought into the world.

So, for 22 years, I kind of lived a half-life - definitely inauthentic. I don't know who I would have been had I raised my child, but I assume I would be a lot healthier and happier about family life than I am now.

You just don't know the impact of being separated from your child, nor did I. Now, as I get older, I realize that there are other consequences of losing my child. Our children are our links not only to our futures, but to our pasts. It just dawned on me a couple of months ago that had I raised my son, I would have been looking to him to help me understand where I come from. Genetic families fulfill a sense of continuity that cannot be replaced.

There are many other negative consequences to yourself in choosing adoption. There are many possible negative consequences to your child. You are not guaranteed that the people who adopt your child will not abuse him/her. You may opt for an open adoption, but they can be closed at any time by the adopting family. There are no guarantees for either you or your child. It is a gamble, and one that you will have to live with.

I hope that you give you and your child the chance to meet one another and to spend time together as mother and child (out of the womb). You may not have any change in your feelings about parenting your son or daughter after their birth, but do you want to give that up before you have a chance to know for sure? You only get one chance at this with your baby, if you can't/don't want to parent after he/she is in this world then make an adoption plan, but not before.

Also, please consider keeping the child within his/her own family. Kinship care (often grandparents) do get financial help in raising their grandchild. Your child deserves to grow up in a family that reflects his genetic traits.

I surrendered my son in 1984. We reconnected in 2005. When we first met as adults, one of the first things that he said to me was how difficult it was growing up in a family that he never felt a part of. No one ever talked to me about the potential negative consequences in placing my son, that is why I'm telling you this now. I want you to at least know.

I wish you the best of luck.

email me if you have any questions.

PS: Nobody needs to be superwoman to raise a child. You just need a good support system - get your family on board now!

Answer 3

I commend for realizing you cannot give the child the life you think it deserves. Adoption is always a good option but you have to have the fathers consent to do that. If he is such a bum, maybe you could try to explain to him why you think adoption is the best way for your child to have a good life. there are such things as open adoptions where the baby is adopted but the natural parents are a part of the childs life. If you are not interested in that , maybe the father will be. Good luck sweetie. i know you will need it.

Answer 4

that is a big decision....It sounds as if you are weighing all your options and want what is best for your baby. giving your baby an OK life might be possible given your scenarios that you mentioned and being a mommy is certainly a blessing if you are ready for it but you sound like you are still deciding what kind of life you want and at 17 that is sooo right I was totally there at that age I had a lot to see and do and learn. Adoption is an awesome choice for a child it would offer the future you are talking about filled with opportunity I am in my 30's now I live in Hawaii my husband and I are financially stable we've traveled a lot have awesome friends and family here and want to give a baby a wonderful life please e-mail me if you want to talk I wish you the best you are in my prayers Leslie

Answer 5

I think you should keep him/her

Answer 6

don't give it to the father, he sounds like a bum.

giving the baby up sounds like a good desicion in your position but let your parents be apart of the desicion too, giving a baby up is a hard thing to do.

i wish you and your baby the best.

Answer 7

If he is such a loser then why would you want to give the child to him. Chances are that if you give it up for adoption, he will end up with it anyway. Fathers have rights now. I think if you don't want it truly you need to talk to him about it and see what he really wants. See if he will fight an adoption. Or find adoptive parents that will let him be involved with the child.

Answer 8

You are a lucky girl.  Lucky that Jessica300 answered your question.

She gave you the BEST advice you will EVER get.  

My advice is that you listen to her.

Answer 9

If you don't think it is in the child's best interest to give the baby to his or her father then don't!

From reading I believe adoption is your best bet unless your parents want to raise the baby!

You are brave for not aborting!!

Best of luck to you and your unborn child!

Answer 10

Legally if the Father wants the child he can get the kid. That said if he is going to be a bum and not ever plan to get a job so that he can provide for the child, he would be deemed unfit and the child would probably be placed in Foster Care Temporary. The Father would have a chance to get his act together if he did not then his rights would be terminated and the baby could be adopted.  

I would see if he would sign his rights away explain to him how costly a child is and if he is not willing to seek employment or some sort of job skills how the heck is he going to be providing for the baby?  If this man wants to be a dad to his child he needs to get his rear end off the couch and get employment that has has health benefits straightaway.

Answer 11

farther along u will wont 2 keep it i promise

Answer 12

If you dont want to be a part of your childs life, but the father does, have you discussed adoption with him? You could have an open adoption, not for your sake, but for the father's. That way he could have input into his child's life, and you could have as little or as much as you wished.

Edit: Iampeaches...Im 21 and my fiancee is 35. Age difference isnt a big deal. Why should her mother be worried?

Answer 13

I will be real with you, you could be a wonderful mother for your child but if you feel like this is not your time then you should do what you feel is best.  I would love to adopt a child and the are many other like me that we give your child a wonderful home.

Answer 14

You are in a tough situation, I am so sorry.

You say your parents won't allow you to work...so does that mean they would support you in keeping your baby?  I'm not sure I understand their position in how supportive they are of you keeping your child.

If you truly do not want to parent, you shouldn't have to.  Is there anyone in your family that would be willing to take your baby?  Your parents, an aunt, a cousin, an older sibling?  You many not feel like parenting now, but you never know how you will feel once your baby is born, or in a few months after the birth or even in a year.  

You should think about that.  Adoption is a LIFETIME commitment to separation from your child.

So if you're serious about giving your baby up, please consider first finding someone within your family.  For your baby's sake, and yours.  Or give parenting a try, and if you truly don't feel like you can do it, you can always opt for adoption when the baby is 1 month, or 3 months.  

Just don't rush into anything...this is the life of your child, and shouldn't be decided rashly.

Answer 15

I think you should definatly talk to the father and let him know how you are feeling. And make sure before you make any final decisions about anything, its what you want to do and nobody else is trying to force you into doing something you dont want. You should probably also talk to a councelor, they might be able to help you figure out things more clearly without being biased in the matter.

Answer 16

Adoption is a beautiful thing! My sister is adopted and there are many loving couples just waiting to adopt but it is your choice...the boyfriend doesn't sound too promising.

Answer 17

BLAH i cant believe all the "give the baby up for adoption and lie to the father"

Honestly what is this world coming to!!!

You wrote and I quote

"I am not ready to be a parent nor am I willing to have my parents raise another child. I don't want to be a parent in general, I never have. Babies scare me to be honest. I don't even know what I want to do with my life."

Unquote

Why ? why not ?

You are 17 you don't know what you want DESPITE What the poster GEE GEE Is saying (who by the way has  HUGE Alterior motive in trying to solicit a baby for adoption)

No 17 yr old knows what they want. NOT REALLY

Personally I think you should stay home with your parents and have them help you raise and care for this beautiful bundle , this tiny little being that is a part of you...

My gut tells me that if you do this for a few years you will be so in love with this little bundle of joy that you wont ever want to let go and you will be so happy that you listened to the KEEP THE BABY Brigade rather than the GIVE ME YOUR BABY Brigade

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Answer 18

If you and your extended family reject your baby then of course, it goes without saying that the baby is entitled to be raised by the father's side of the family, if that is what the father wants

I think the answer suggesting blackmailing and threatening this father into relinquishment speaks volumes - ick

Answer 19

just take a moment to think of how the child will feel when it grows up. my best friend was adopted and although she has a great family she always wander who her real mother is and what would have happened if she wasn't given up.

Answer 20

I would go with adoption, if the father is worthless and cant keep a job, then why even have him as an option? if you want to give the baby a great likfe full of opportunities, then adoption would be the best way to go.

:)

Answer 21

Just because he did not finish college or has a job does not mean he will not be a good father. It is his baby too. There are many, many women who raise babies on their own and they are in the same situation as your babies father. He has the same rights to his child as you have the same right to realize that you do not want to parent this child.

Good luck.

Answer 22

My opinion -

1. You're young - and feelings and situations can change very quickly. Meaning - you won't be young or poor forever.

2. You can do anything you put your mind to - you could parent this child - it is one of your options - please don't give up on that so quickly - you're still in the early days of pregnancy - give birth - try to parent - see how you go. In Australia - no pre-birth adoption plans are made for this exact reason - because mother's see their babies and change their minds. All they often need is some encouragement.

3. You most likely will have a lot of grief from giving your child away. I know many many first mothers who have relinquished - and many regret giving their children away. Sure - some don't - BUT - It's something that you can't take back - once it's done - it's a life long thing you'll have to live with.

4. What's best for baby - as long as you won't harm the baby - is for the baby to grow up in his/her bio family. I've lived without my bio fam for 36 years (I finally reunited with them this last 2 years) - and I missed not growing up amoungst people that looked and acted just like me. It was hard on my self esteem and self worth. I've had depressive episodes throughout my life - which my psych has linked to my relinquishment and subsequent zero knowledge of my birth family.

5. Be very careful talking to anyone from an Adoption Agency. They want your baby - as it means $$ to them - they will tell you whatever you want to hear.

6. If you do go down the adoption route - 'Open' adoption is best for the child - no lies - no secrets - but be aware that none are legally binding - and adoptive parents can close them up whenever they feel like it.

7. The child has the right to know his/her mother AND father. You also can not relinquish your child without the father's permission. Who knows - this may be a moment in his life where he may step up to the plate and be responsible?? He must be given the opportunity to parent if he wants to.

8. Babies are always scary - when you've never had one of your own. There is help out there - and women have been doing this parenting thing for centuries - I'm sure you'll be a great mother if you put you heart and soul into it. That's up to you.

9. I'm no super-mum - but thanks for the thoughts!! I have 3 daughters - and no - parenting is never easy - but I love and care for them with all of my heart - and would fight for them with every last breath. You could do that also. Again - it's up to you.

10. There are NO guarantees in adoption. The child will have a different life - not necessarily a 'better' life. I love my adoptive family dearly - but I have missed living with my bio family.

If you need help with resources to keep your child - send me a message through my profile.

I wish you and your baby every blessing in the world.

Answer 23

adoption was created for cases like yours. He should get first dibbs on the kid, but if u feel baby would be better off in another family, tell a judge this.

Answer 24

Sounds like you have already pretty much made up your mind about not wanting the baby.  You are the type of girl that knows what she wants or doesnt want.  There is a problem though.  In order to give your child up for adoption, the father will have to consent to it and sign away his rights.  The good thing about him  being 23 is if he actually fights it, you can have him arrested for statutory rape. You are under age.  So give him the option of going the nice route and signing away his rights or going to jail.  I know its kind of cruel but if this is what you want for your child its something your going to have to do.

Answer 25

By law, if he wants the child and can show that it is his, he has legal rights to it.  You can't adopt it out without his permission.

Answer 26

putting adoption is not the right answer. plz do me a favor and dodnt put her or him up for adoption think of u in him or hers shoes :(

Answer 27

I can personally answer your question, with my opinion, and not even read the details.  Do whatever is best in the long run for the baby.  Which gives the baby stability, opportunity, encouragement, and an overall good life?  Go with that one!

Answer 28

Depending on what state you are in you can place your baby for adoption and not let the father know.  This is a deceptive thing to do but if you feel its nessacary............ If the father does know about your plan for adoption he has hoops to jump through. Showing up in court, proving himself cabable of providing for a child on his own, among other things.  I gave my first up for adoption and it was the best thing for me and my child and his new family.  

i now have a girl and another on the way and am very happy about it but i am older and married and ready for children.

By the way your parents cannot keep you from getting a job once the child is born if you want to keep it.  You are legally emancipated when you become a mother.

Answer 29

In order to place your baby for adoption the father will need to sign a relinquishment of his parental rights.  Adoption is a choice both birth parents have to make.  I don't know what the right answer is for you but the decision has to be made by both of you.

I'm an adoptive parent of a grown child and I've worked for child-placing agencies for many years.  While adoption can be a wonderful choice, there are many issues adoptive parents and children face that don't have to be faced with your biological children.  

I think you should spend time praying about your decision and talk it over with the baby's father.

Answer 30

well you sound like a parent b/c you want the best for the baby.

i think if you're not ready adoption is the best thing. NOT the father.Since you stated he is a bum in many words.

i'd be kinda worried as your parents and ask why a 23 yr old is dating a 17 yr old in the first place. BUt i am sure you'll do what you feel is right.

Good luck