Should I go ahead and voluntarily relinquish my rights?

Question

Last November, DOCS took my 2 youngest kids off me and put them in a foster home. I have previous and existing drug issues, and my youngest baby has brain damage from my drug use during pregnancy. I know how bad that is so I don't need any more beating up over it.

There is still 11 months left on there protection order, but I can't break the drugs and a small part of me doesn't really want to try. I know my kids are happy and safe and they have a really good foster mum. She takes real good care of them and they have started to call her mum. Shes also very nice to me and supportive of me seeing the kids even though I can't always stay clean to have visits. I don't want to give up my kids but I think if I gave up my mothers rights they might be able to be adopted by there foster mum or something, and it would be best for them.

Even if i got clean I'm scared of them coming home because I don't have a good relationship with them and the baby won't even come to me.

Answer 1

I think that you have made a huge step in analizeing your situation.  let your kids go.  they need to grow up stable, knowig that they are safe and loved.  do the right thing.

Answer 2

Dear Mimi,

If it is at all possible for you to get it together so your children can still know you that would definately be the BEST scenerio for your children - and probably yourself as well!

I too, commend you on being so open and honest about your story on the internet. To me it shows that you DO CARE about your children and your situation.

Having worked with parents like yourself there are a few things that I am wondering right now and I am going to make a few assumptions. (I hate assuming things but want very much to give you a helpful answer so forgive me if I am wrong about anything.)

You probably have little by way of a real support system (or your kids would be with someone who was part of it instead of custody) and you are facing what seems like an impossibly uphill battle and feeling very ALONE. (No support and you've lost your children and a probably missing them.)  I get the feeling you feel like you can't suceed at this; that it is easier not to change things and just give in because the drugs offer you familiarity and comfort that you can't find elsewhere. You are probably embarrassed/ashamed/feeling guilty etc. about your life/children/choices etc.- IE you most likely have a low self esteem. You probably see the medical issues of your youngest as a daily reminder of your mistakes and you are probably overwhelmed by not only the medical care but the emotional aspects as well.

You may not want and/or be able to be clean for a visit because it is hard to face your children sober and feel guilty/sad/embarrassed about the situation. You may even be afraid that your kids will hate you, reject you, be angry at you etc.

And of course, on top of your own bad feelings, now there are a bunch of people who seem so different than you judging everything you do. There is a woman who has stepped into your role and seems to be doing it well and you feel as if you are the worst mom in the world. YOU'RE NOT!

I read you as a woman who is overwhelmed, afraid, feeling hopeless, depressed and DOES love her children. I think you care about them tremendously and want to do what is best for them. I think you are in pain and you need to take care of yourself before you make any permanent decisions. You DO have some time.

You do not mention what your DOCS case plan says so I can only give a limited amount of suggestion without more detail.

I will assume that you are required to do several things before your children can be restored to you and a hoping that DOCS is offering you support and resources to get yourself together. (If they aren't ASK THEM!!! Be PROAVTIVE and ADVOCATE for yourself and your kids!!) Part of their job is to HELP YOU help your kids. Complete as much of the case plan as you can. It is possible for a Judge to grant you more time if you have shown a sincere effort to make progress and are able to continue doing so.

Some other things that can help you are:

-Find some things to feel good about about yourself and focus on them. There are good things in everyone's life. Find yours! A positive attitude will help you more than anything else!

-Make a list of personal goals and take BABY steps. The Great Wall of China wasn't build in a day!

-Get yourself some emotional support from people you can trust. My guess is your "friends" aren't helping you at all. Get some new ones! Find a real or on-line support group (your SW should be able to provide you with some resources or look in your local phone book)

-Get counseling -many churches and reputable organizations have FREE counseling services for people like you! You may even be able to get free or low cost assistance through your government or social sevices department.

-Keep a reminder of your children with you at ALL times. Whenever you feel weak, tempted, defeated or as if this isn't worth doing REMEMBER how much you love them.

-Do your best to keep your visits! Get to know your children better and let them know you. I'm sure it won't be easy but it will be worth it even if your decide to relinquish. Be honest with your kids and yourself. You might be surprised at how forgiving a child's heart can be! You have to opportunity to make them proud of you for getting yournlife together!

-Stop beating youself up and start beating this!

You are the only one who can make this choice for yourself. Even if you decide relinquishment is best for your children, you should still try to be a positive part of their lives. You and your kids all deserve the best Mother you can be! Remember that most flowers grow from out of the dirt!

Not all of this advice might be right for you but I hope you will maybe find something helpful or a little comforting in it.  

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that you and your children have a long and happy future together in some capacity.

Here are some (hopefully) helpful links:

http://www.parentsanonymous.org/

http://www.childwelfare.gov/

http://www.supportgroupformothers.com/mo...

http://endabuse.org/programs/display.php...

http://www.liveunited.org/

http://uwint.org/devfinal/

Answer 3

You have 11 months to turn your life around, is it going to be easy, NO, but try. Today, that small part of you might not want to give up drugs, but tomorrow or next week, might be that defining moment in your life, when you have the courage to fight.

You have admitted, you have not done a good job, but for your younger two children, it is not to late. Give it your best shot, your kids are worth it and so are you.

If you surrender your rights now, you have not given it your all.

At the end of the day, even if you fail, you can say, I tried.

I hope that you will fight, to get your life back.

Answer 4

My suggestion is that if you have a good relationship with the foster mother and she is wanting to adopt them, contact Social Services. If they will allow you occasional visits with your children even after adoption, I think that is the best of both worlds given your problems.  I think it's important for the children to know later that you didn't abandon them, but had a problem you just couldn't cope with.  

The mother of my bf's children is a meth addict (drug problems started after the birth of her last child) and although she can visit or call at any time, she doesn't.  We do hope that she gets her act together eventually, but the kids know she has a problem and they know that drug addiction is quite hard to beat.  Good luck.

Answer 5

Definitely sign your rights away.  It is what is best for the children. It would be awful if you did take the kids back, after they have come accustomed to a different family and house, and then you start using drugs again. They would just get taken away from you again, and then have to get sent to yet another foster family.

If you are able to see your children now, and this lady is being nice to you, just choose to do an open adoption so you can continue seeing them every once in a while.

Answer 6

omg.

Answer 7

i want to start by saying don't listen to the negative nasty, closed minded things that ppl on here have said, drug addiction is not an easy thing to overcome, it is a disease and treatment is the only solution. trust me ive been through the same thing, i didn't want to get clean and ended up loosing my eldest children to their father, That's what woke me up and made me get my s**t together, i want to tell you its NEVER too late to repair your relationship with your babies, Ive been clean three years now and am getting to know my kids again. my suggestion to you is to sign a 12 month voluntary order to keep your kids in care and use that time to get your self clean, rebuild your relationship with your kids and start your life over. otherwise you'll wake up one day with nothing and no one, and nothing to show for your life except a hole in your arm! sorry this is kinda long but its something close to my heart. good luck

Answer 8

It seems that you have already answered your own question.  

It is truly a selfless act to make the decision to relinquish your parental rights.  It seems from what you have written that you would still have a relationship with them even if you relinquish.    I have 2 adopted children and they both have relationships with their birthmothers, but they can also see how their lives would be so different and difficult if their birthmothers hadn't made the selfless choice to give them a better life.  

In the long run, will your relationship with them be better if you tried to keep them or place them for adoption.  My opinion is the latter.  

We had one failed adoption in between the 2 that we have and my heart aches for the little boy who we didn't get.  His birthmother had 3 boys that she couldn't care for already, plus she had an addiction to pain killers.  I pray for him on a regular basis because his life is either very, very difficult (with his birthmother) or he and his brothers are in foster care.

Answer 9

I can not tell you what to do but I can tell you at thirty-four I am still dealing with issues from my parents drug use. I love my parents because well they are my parents but at the same time I HATE THEM. I hate them for causing me so much grief and suffering.

I still remember the agitated anticipation as one waited for the other to bring "the stuff' home. This has so profoundly affected me and frankly I am really pi**ed off that I was denied a normal childhood. My grandmother died suddenly when I was a teenager and I was left alone to grieve and rationalized what had happened. My parents often disappeared on the weekends to a cousins home where all they did was get high. I will never forget the night before my SATs lying away scared because I was home alone.  But the worst memory is the day I lost complete respect for my father as I watched him line up his coke on the glass dining room table.

It took my father being incarcerated for intent to deliver for my parents to straighten out their lives. I was 23.  Twenty-three years too late for me the damage was done.

The only advice I give you is think long and hard. Whatever you decide there is no turning back.

Answer 10

From what you have said I think that you already have the answer to your question.  You cannot provide for children and be the kind of mother that they need right now.  I understand that you love them and you are dealing with your addiction.  So, the best thing that you can do for them as a mother is to give them the type of childhood they deserve by letting their foster mother adopt them. Especially since they are happy and safe.  It seems like an ideal situation since you can still have a relationship with your children.

Don't give up.  Never stop trying to stay clean; your children are worth it.

Answer 11

I hope you're a kid posting this garbage and not an Ap. Although I wouldn't put it past some, it makes them feel good about themselves.

Answer 12

You have to ask yourself, "Which is more important, the kids' having a happy life, or your 'mother's rights'.?"  There is an old saying. "if you love them, let them go."

Answer 13

It was a huge thing you did sharing that with everyone here and accepting responsibility for your actions. I really admire you for that and congratulate you!

If you arent willing to get off the drugs (again, applaud you for your honesty) then, maybe you should consider relinquishing your rights as a parent.

I can only imagine what a dificult decision this is for you! If anything I think this shows how much you care for your children because you are trying to think about what is in their best interests.

I really do hope you manage to get off the drugs, if not now in the future and I wish you all the luck in the world for whatever path you choose to go down!

Goodluck!!

Answer 14

I've been in the field of foster care and adoption for 10 years.

I really think you should sign over your parental rights AND not give up.

In my state, if you sign off your rights, the judge will often NOT issue a no contact order, which means the foster mom can allow contact as she chooses when she adopts.

Right now you children are young, together and adoptable.  The reality is, the older a child gets, the less adoptable they are, and keeping sibs together is HARD...older siblings even HARDER.

My suggestion is that you sign off your rights, but continue on a program.  Drug addiction is like cancer.....lots of times it comes back and we fight it again...then it comes back and we fight harder....comes back again..chemo radiation, surgery......fight fight fight.

The only things is with drug addiction, it is within your power to win.  I know it is hard, but it is totally within your power to win.  Fight every relapse....be clean for 2 weeks GREAT......next time a month....next time 4, maybe even six months.....

Just keep fighting. Don't sign off on your rights just to give yourself a free ticket to do drugs...because although they will be safe and loved and bonded to another woman...

YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER.  They still need you whether you are there every day or not.  They need to see you clean and healthy, even if you sign off and they are adopted.

And another thing, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get on some birth control, or better yet consider a tubal ligation depending on your age....by my count you have 5 children...how many more need to go through this?  

I'm gonna get blasted for saying you're unfit to be a mother, but seriously, if you're having drug addicted babies with brain damage, you should stop having babies.

Answer 15

It seems to me that you, yourself, know what is best for your kids.  If you feel that you will never get past your drug issues, which it seems by this question and statement, I feel that you need to allow your children to be adopted.

It seems to  be that you are thinking that your drugs are more important then your kids.  The reason I say this is that you have 3 older children that will never be out of foster care. Please for the sake of your children, place them in a family that will take good care of them. And one more suggestion- don't have any more children, unless you are determined to get clean.  I pray you don't take this as "beating you up"- but when you ask a question like this, we have to be honest.

Answer 16

Ok Mimi seeing as you are dealing with DOCS you are living in New South Wales (NSW) Australia for those reading this who don't know.

I don't think that the person who is the foster carer of your children will adopt them. Most foster carers specialise in that as a special calling. Some of them are so good that they look after hundreds of kids whose Mums are in the same position as yourself. So don't think that you are alone.

I think that you are very courageous to come forward with your problem and air it the way you have. The first thing that you have to do is get yourself better. The "small part of you that doesn't want to try" is the adictive part. Also drugs exhaust you physically and mentally as well as spiritually.

You must try hard for your own sake and for that of your kids to give up the drugs. Once you are clean you will wonder why you ever touched drugs. I went to TAFE with a Mum who got clean after 16 years of heroin adiction. She was getting her life back on track after all that time and had got her three kids back. She had been through the whole thing with DOCS and had made it. She is still living up here on the far north coast and still has the kids. It is do - able. I encourage you to try with all your heart.

I would not have any more kids though. How you go about this is your business. I think that you are emotionally drained from bringing the kids into the world and then having them taken from you. It's time to break this cycle. You must get one GP you can trust to help you through this and a good councellor. If you go to a GP they should be able to put you in touch with all the right people to help you.

Stop letting men take advantage of you and you will have a better opinion of yourself. Insist on having some self respect. Say "NO". This will help you get past the drug thing. Drug use is a form of self - abuse. This stems from poor self - esteem. Once your self - esteem goes up your desire to abuse yourself stops. Don't go near the places and people that are going to cause you to use drugs. This may entail you moving to another suburb or town and starting life all over again.

Here are some web sites to help you start with cleaning yourself up.

The NSW Government Counselling Services

http://www.druginfo.nsw.gov.au/treatment...

Info on Drug Adiction

http://www.druginfo.nsw.gov.au/informati...

Community Links

http://www.community.gov.au/Internet/MFM...

Salvation Army

http://www.salvationarmy.org.au/addictio...

http://salvos.org.au/need-help/drugs-and...

Wesley Missin Drug Assistance

http://www.wesleymission.org.au/Communit...

Advocates for Survivors of Child Abuse

http://www.asca.org.au/contacts/otherorg...

Support for Rural Adicts

http://www.acrossnet.net.au/categoryview...

Drug Arm

http://www.drugarm.com.au/content/standa...

Family Drug Help News Letter

http://www.familydrughelp.org.au/newslet...

1300 660 068 Family Drug Help

Lifeline http://www.lifeline.org.au/find_help/24_...

13 11 14

Kids Help Line if the kids want to make a free call home

http://www.kidshelp.com.au/template/news...

1800 55 1800

There is a future for you and your family if you try very hard. You may get help through you local Lifeline or Salvation Army as I have mentioned. There may also be guidance for you through your local St Vincent de Paul or Anglicare if their officers are trained in drug matters.

Adoption should be a last resort, however, I think that getting your eldest children back is going to be difficult. I would still try to stay in touch though as they may need you particularly as thy get into their teen years. They  should know that they are free to get in touch with you. They will value that. They obviously still love you greatly and want you to be well. Do try for them. You will want to grow old and see your grand kids I'm sure.

Keep visiting your kids at their foster mothers place. This will keep up the contact. In the mean time work on getting clean. Let this be your life changing project. Should you still decide on adoption your children our you can contact  NSW Adoption Services at

http://www.community.nsw.gov.au/DOCS/STA...

Should you go down the adoption route, you should still try to see if you can have some contact with your kids after adoption. I doubt that this is the case in Australia until they are 18 years. However, leave your details to get in touch when they turn 18 years old. But remember this should only be a last resort.

All the best whatever you decide to do.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 17

I think you should think of your kids first and let foster mom have them. they love her and don't need more confusion. I hope you can get your life together....read the book of John in the Bible. God loves you very much.

Answer 18

Okay... so this may sound harsh, but, by all means you should do your babies a favor and sign off on your parental rights....  You obviously need help and you need to focus on yourself first and get yourself off drugs and straight...  Also, get your tubes tied.  You acknowledge that you aren't a fit parent and you acknowledge that you can't keep yourself clean, and your babies are now being born brain damaged from your mistakes.  I'm not beating you up, just pointing out things that you have already stated are true.  Get your tubes tied then go on your merry way of being destructive to yourself and you won't be hurting any more babies (who have to bare the burden of your mistakes for the rest of their lives).

Answer 19

Yes give your rights up. Clearly your drug issue is more important than your children, that is extremely sad. Let the children be adopted by people who will care and love them and where they will be first priority. I don’t understand why your older children are stuck in foster care, certainly I understand it’s harder to place older kids.  Perhaps their new mother will allow you to have some sort of visitations that is of course when you can pass a drug test.  Heck maybe she would be willing to adopt your other children as well.

If even a small part of you does not want to kill your addiction then you will not be successful. No need to waste  your time. Spare the children any more harm and let them be raised by someone who will put them first.

Please do the world a favor and get your tubes tied straightaway.

Answer 20

My answer would be very different if it weren't for your words, "a small part of me doesn't really want to try."

I apologize if this seem brutal.

Give the kids up.  Odds are you won't live to see them reach adulthood anyway.  Give them a chance to not become like you are.  

You have the chance now to do one thing right for these kids, don't mess it up.  Does the foster Mom want to adopt them?  If so, go ahead and make that happen before they end up being tossed from one home to another.

Give them a good life, and leave them alone.

Answer 21

Since you have questions about your own self, do not put your kids in the same situation.  Give them a chance.

Answer 22

If you are not goin to be able to come clean then let them go. They will thank you for it later. Trust me kids growing up in foster homes and then being put back with there parents and going back and forth and horrible. So just let them go. Love them and let them find happiness with a new mother and father who may not be able to have children. This could be there answer to prays.

Answer 23

I am going to try very hard not to come off ultra preachy or judgmental, but I seriously hope this is a joke.

If not, are you honestly saying that the drugs are more important than your kids? You can give all the speeches and excuses you want, but if you won't get off the drugs, then that is exactly what you are saying. Many people have addictions and I don't for one minute pretend that getting clean is easy, but many have. They do it for themselves. And they do it for the people that love them.

You have 11 months left. You can get yourself clean. But part of that is accepting what you have done. Your baby has brain damage because of YOU and you will have to live with that for the rest of your life, but you are not irredeemable. Take advantage of all services offered to you and GET CLEAN!!! You owe it to your children.

However, at the end of the day, if you cannot get your **** together, then yes, I think you should give them a chance at having a family, being safe and secure and if that means relinquishing your rights so they can be adopted, well that is on you.

Answer 24

If YOU were one of your kids, what would YOU want your mom to do?  I can't say how your kids feel, but I can say how I'd feel if I were in that position.  It would break my heart to know that my mom gave up on me.  To know that, in her mind, drugs were more important than me.  Your childrens' rejection of you is not lack of love.  It's fear that you're going to leave again and again, and never be able to care for them.  They have to protect themselves against getting too attached to you, because they can't handle YOUR rejection of THEM.  In my opinion, you should keep trying, forever if it takes that long.  Your babies KNOW you.  They grew inside you.  They listened to YOUR heartbeat, YOUR voice, they knew YOUR emotions.  They are a part of you.  NEVER give up on them (or on yourself).

What I hear you saying is that you're not good enough to be their mom because you're an addict.  But you're an addict because you believe you're not good enough, or strong enough, to get clean.  Well guess what?  When you say those things about yourself, you're saying those same things about your babies.  They are a part of you.  And if YOU don't believe you're a good person, they you don't believe THEY are good people, either.  THEY deserve a clean mom.  YOU deserve to be clean.  YOU are their mother.  No other human being on this Earth could ever take your place.

Find a 12 step program.  You don't have to be clean to go to meetings.  The only requirement for membership is a desire to be free from your drug of choice.  Yes, there is a SMALL part of you that doesn't want to get clean.  That's what being an addict is like.  And I promise you, that "small" part will get mighty big when you try to quit.  But you deserve to conquer this beast, and your babies deserve it too.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 25

Hi.

Do you have a social worker that you can ask?

If not, why dont you ask the foster mum if she can put you in contact with someone.

At the end of the day, you may be doing whats best for your children, and good for you, you have realised that although you love your children(and i know you love your children, because you are asking this question), the hold that the drugs have on you at the moment is too strong and your children need to be some where that they are cared for properly.

if i was you, if you DO decide to relinquish your rights, i would write them each a letter explaining why you decided it would be best. that way, they wont blame them selves later in life.

Good luck, and i hope you manage to overcome the drugs, life is so much better without them.

Answer 26

ok me personally,i dont think getting you tubes tied would be an awnser to solve your problems like most ppl have suggested you do.It wont change your drug addiction.Go on the injection,it last for 3 months before you have to get it again or there are many other options out there for birth control.with the whole tubes tied thing,what if you get clean and decide you want to have another baby and this time do it right?if you get your tubes tied you wont have that option.i think you should spend the next 11 months getting clean and getting your kids back coz unlike some other ppl you have the chance to have your kids and yes some ppl do the wrong and get there kids taken off them for life or others just maybe cant have kids at all but you have the chance.SO GET YOURSELF CLEAN AND DRUG FREE AND GO GET YOUR BABIES BACK!!!!!