Should I go ahead with the wedding? (see details)?

Question

So...I LOVE my fiance to pieces and he adores me as if i'm an angel in disguise. So nice to find someone like this when I'm not perfect at all.

However, there are some major issues, and my mother is putting some pressure on me to call it quits for these reasons:

* His mother is CONTROLLING and my fiance is a wimp.

* He gets mad and pouts to get his way - often.

* She always wanted me to marry someone older and more mature. All my ex's have been quite older than I....

* We have different communication styles, sometimes they conflict each other.

* He wants us to have our parents live in the same house with us. My mother doesn't want that, so that means his parents will be living with us.

HELP!

Answer 1

it sounds to me like both of your mothers are the problem.  not just his.  after all, your list of problems with your fiance seem to be straight from your mothers lips.  i think that the two of you need to either get some counseling and learn better communication skills (does he have any idea that you feel this way about any of these things...i'm betting not) or take a long weekend away together and hammer everything out in an environment where neither of you can leave.  it's adversity that test a marriage, not the happy fun times.  once you do those things, you can work on the big decisions together with compromise.  i would definately not cut and run from your fiance (every person will have flaws, and i'm sure that he has a list of equal length about you), but get these things off of your chest before you get hitched.  i hope that this works out, whatever you decide to do.

Answer 2

Pre-marital counseling. Go... it's a real eye-opener and will help you find solutions.

Good luck!

Answer 3

i think this is a really tough situation. but somethings to think about are your future children. is this the type of environment you want to bring your children into? learning that they can whine and get their way? i wouldnt. although i think its smart of your mother to be giving her opinion, its still your decision. one thing i would not stand for is the whole his parents moving in thing. if it were for financial reasons for a short period of time then i understand but there is a time in a mans life where he needs to cut the cord. i think now is the time and if he doesnt see hat, then point it out to him. dont threaten that you will leave him but  just let him know that his behavior and point of view on these few things will not be tolerated. its hard enough to maintain a marriage between a man and a woman, let alone a man and a woman and his mother.

Answer 4

<<* His mother is CONTROLLING and my fiance is a wimp. >> If he stands up for his mother over you, that is a problem.

<<* He gets mad and pouts to get his way - often.>> Sounds immature! You must decide if it is a dealbreaker.

<<* She always wanted me to marry someone older and more mature. All my ex's have been quite older than I....>> Who your mom wants you to marry is not an issue.

<<* We have different communication styles, sometimes they conflict each other.>> As long as no one is abusive, it's okay to have different communication styles. You will work on it and grow together.

<<* He wants us to have our parents live in the same house with us.>> CREEPY!!! Why???

Those are my opinions for each problem.

Answer 5

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.  What man wants his parents and inlaws to live in their house?  Besides that (which is weird) why are you letting your mother talk you in to leaving your fiance.  If you truly love him, those three things that you came up with (give me a break me and my fiance have so many differences thats what attracts us) wouldn't matter.  I think you don't want to be with him if you have to come on here and ask for a strangers opinion about your love

Answer 6

He sounds like a douche... have you communicated these issues to him?

Answer 7

Love is great and all, but it simply is NOT a good enough reason to get married.  MOSTLY because love is blind, and you could be misunderstaning the feeling you are now calling "love".  To get married, you need to want to "SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" with this person.  That's what people always say, but it's true.  If you and this boy are going to live in a home for ever, can you stand his habbits?  Do you like the way that he deals with conflict?  Can he stand up for you if nessicary?  Does he know how to handle his finances?  Love isn't enough for marraige, you've got to LIKE this person!!

First of all:  Do you like that your fiance is a wimp?  Are spineless guys your type?  You like wusses?  I'm using all these words so that you can REALLY think about it.  Do you enjoy making all the decissions, and if he gets mad and pouts, are you prepared to be the adult AT ALL TIMES?  Are you ready to mother your husband?  Sounds like that's what you are walking into.  This sounds like a babysitting job, not a marraige.  "Compromise" is not his "word of the day", huh?  Marraige is also all about give and take, and if he can't be a part of that, you're going to be miserable fast- you may have already experienced this.

Different communication styles CAN be worked with, absolutely.  My boyfriend and I communicate VERY differently, and we have been together for years.  It was especially difficult in the beginning, until we started to dedicate time to learning WHAT the other meant, instead of having knee-jerk reactions based on what we THOUGHT they meant.  Differences in STYLES of communication can not only be eventually understood, but they also can be healthy and ENLIGHTENING!  

Do you want to live with parents?  Sounds like, if he's a weak guy, he wants his mommy around to help wipe his @ss.  YOU don't need that, although it may be nicer if she does it rather than you.  Do you want to be an independant adult, running your own home, or do you want a matriarch who isn't even your own mother telling you what to do?

HONESTLY?  This dude isn't ready to be married.  He may never be if he doesn't grow a pair and spend some time away from his mommy.  I'd get away from this one.  Sure he treats you like you fell from heaven.  I had one of these too, he was EXACTLY like the boy you are describing here (I DO say "boy" and NOT "man").  I got out of that as fast as I could!  How oppressive was that relationship!!!  You need to learn to be yourself and sounds like you may have some growing up to do.  You need to learn to spot these leaches BEFORE they latch on like this.  It's HARD to break off a wedding, but EASIER than divorce AND MUCH MORE HEALTHY to stay out of a raw situation in the first place rather than get in and be miserable in it for a while.  Don't waste your time, time is your most precious asset.

Also, DON'T let your mother run stuff.  Be you.  She gets to run her life, you get to run yours.  You date who you want, whatever age you want.  Age doesn't mean much, but you MAY find that younger guys are a little less mature...  that doesn't go for EVERY guy, and it doesn't mean you should marry someone older... maybe it just means you should wait to get married until the guys your age catch up.

Good luck, and get out.  (if you don't get out- spend the money on a lawyer and get a d**n good pre-nup because I think you know you need to get out, and if you do this, it seems like it's just because you're letting other people drive your life.  TAKE THE WHEEL before you take the plunge!)

PS.  I think you know all this already.  That's why you wrote your question the way you did.  You need to spend some time doing some REAL introspective thinking.  Take a weekend and go to a hotel or spa by your self.  WRITE LISTS.  Collect your thoughts.

Answer 8

I can't tell you what you should do without fulling knowing both of you.  It sounds like some growing up needs to be done.  I would start with pre-marital counseling and go from there.  It is an eye opener as someone else already suggested.  You could consider taking some time apart to see how you both feel?  Just remember marriage is FOREVER so you need to be sure.

Answer 9

Please, please, p-l-e-a-s-e listen to your mother.

Love isn't a feeling, love is how you act.  You're headed for a life of misery.

Answer 10

Those are some major concerns you have.  I wouldn't jump into marriage without having them resolved.  Have you considered pre-marital couples counselling?  It may be the only way to work through these issues, or find out if they can't be worked through.  Good Luck!

Answer 11

You need to read your own question again. All of your issues should raise a red flag and need to be dealt with before you consider marriage with him. If you are serious, please get some pre-martial counseling before setting a wedding date.

Answer 12

Make sure you go through premarital counseling and talk through these issues.

My sister married a man who was a momma's boy and its caused her lots of problems because mommy always wins over her.  She thought his loyalty would switch to her, but she was wrong.

I don't think these problems are insurmountable, but I'd face them head on and talk through all of them before you decide to go through with your wedding.

The biggest sources of stress in a marriage are s*x, finances, and inlaws.  You don't want to set yourself up for failure.

Answer 13

It sounds like neither one of you can stand up to your mother and neither one of you are mature enough to get married.  Love is not enough, you have to be ready to go through anything life brings you together and neither of you sound like you depend on eachother or yourselves, you are both still dependent on your families.

Call it off and do some growing up.

Answer 14

Do YOU have an issue with any of this, or is it just your mother? Do what you want to, not what your mother wants.

It sounds like there are several issues here. First of all, don't settle because you "aren't perfect at all". No one is, love. Don't marry the first guy who offers just because you think its the best you can do. If you don't love him, you can do better. If you do, then forget your mother.

You said your mother has problems with your future in-laws. How do you feel about them moving in? If you have a problem with it, you do have the right to say something about it, even if he won't. It will be your house too, and you have a right to say who will be living in it. Why does his mother want to live with you? To keep an eye on him? If so, I'd say no to her. You're adults, and she needs to back off. Does she have health problems, or need care? Has she even asked if this is okay with you? You may want to talk to her about how you need your space as newly weds. You could offer to get a house nearby to where she lives so you will be close if she needs you. There is nothing wrong with needing your own home, and she needs to understand that. Even if your fiancee is a wimp, you can say something to her yourself. You do have the right to, since it will be your house too.

Please PLEASE don't just ignore these issues. They all need to get solved before the wedding. Stop listening to other people and think about what YOU want. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that? With a pouty wimp who is controlled by his mother, who lives in your house?  Remember, don't settle.

Answer 15

You aren't just worried about what your mother thinks, these are your concerns as well. If he is that close with his mother and his parents it is going to be difficult for you to feel first in his life. The mother of the groom often has a difficult time letting go of her son, even my mother in-law did and they are not close. Go to councling and don't rush into anything until you are sure. Things don't change when you get a ring on your finger, you need to be completely happy first.