Should I go to the pool party?

Question

Ok-I will try to make this short. I used to be real close to my MIL and my husband and I both got along with her husband. But-we hated him. He was abusive to my MIL and before they filed for divorce he threatened to kill my husband in an accidental hunting accident right in front on my 3 and 1 year old children. Well, my MIL got back together with him and we really haven't seen her in over a year now. My son misses her terribly. He was so close to her and now never sees her. She was suppose to come to the kids' b-day party but cancelled at the last minute due to her husband. My son was devasted. Here's the problem-I hate this man who is married to her-so does my kids and husband. There is a pool party for the family on Saturday and we are suppose to go and just found out that he might be there. I don't want to ruin the gathering but I don't know if I can allow myself and kids around someone so psychotic! He threatened to kill my husband for god sake and I know I can't believe it either that my MIL would stay with a man who threatened that to her son. Any advice on what to do. I would love for things to be the same but they never will I guess.

Answer 1

No don't go. The situation is too difficult and volatile. I used to have a serious anger problem, and it was from drinking. You could try and work out some arrangement with your MIL so that she could visit but if that fails then just leave it alone for everyone's sake, yours included. Your MIL simply becomes a family casualty. The situation is too unpredictable. Leave it go. BUT, you are an adult mom and are capable of making your own informed decisions and you would have my total respect for whatever you decide.

EDIT: I can't shut up with this question, since it is so familiar to me. Family negotiations can work sometimes at a later date. The situation is touchy. It would require your husband and the offender to agree to call a truce and drop outstanding issues at later date and firmly agree to no more violence and threats, for everyone's sake and sanity and peace. This can actually be done between men, reaching for reason. However if he is really pyschotic he won't agree to talk. A angry man put on the spot to cease family hostilities and end violent confrontations for the common good can work. It puts him in the position of being demonic. It can work, so there is hope.

Answer 2

Do you truly believe he could harm your husband, more specifically would he cause an altercation in a public setting? Is it possible that you can attend this gathering politely ignoring his presence? If so then you should attend and enjoy yourselves. You can't fix your MIL nor can you make her choose your husband over this man but are you willing to let him steal your joy too? It would be a shame to let him dictate when and where you can have a good time.