Should I have my four year old son paternity tested?

Question

My youngest son is four, and I am divorced. I have visitation with him regularly. As he grows up, I notice how very different he is compared to his older brother and sister. His eyes (blue), face, attitude, hair (blond) are vastly different. We divorced because of her infidelity. I am so torn about this. If he isn't mine, I wouldn't turn him away. It would just make the wondering stop. But I have no experience with this choice and would like someone to offer their wisdom on the issue. Thank you.

Answer 1

That's such a personal decision, that only you can make, because only you can understand the turmoil that goes through your mind. My opinion? I would not have him tested. Why? Because you have to measure your comfort and minds well-being against your sons, and decide which is more important. While you may have your doubts, this is a child you have raised as your own. This IS your child, regardless of what science tells you, and this this little boy depends on you. The confusion that would go through your sons mind if you went to have this test done, could stay with him for life. Do you really want that for him, all to curb your curiosity? If the results mean nothing and don't change your love for him, why does it matter?

Answer 2

What will the source of his genes change about you being his father? Will you love him more or less? Will you financially support him less? Not take him to the park while you go with your other kids? Will you pass on buying him presents for Christmas or his birthday? If the answer is no then you don't need a test because God gave you a life to protect and treasure no matter who the father is.

Answer 3

Only you can decide what to do.  Children from the same parents often look/act very differently.  Whatever you decide to do, be sure you can "handle" the results.  You say that if he's not yours you wouldn't turn him away, however, you may subconsciously treat him differently.

Answer 4

I had a friend in this boat.  His son was a year old and he loved him to the ends of the earth.  I asked him, "would you change the way you feel about him if you found out he wasn't biologically yours?" His answer was no.  I feel like a dad is much more than a sperm donor.  If you are the man who loves this child, helps raise him, takes him fishing and shows him how to change a tire, you are the boys dad.  Biology doesn't really have alot to do with it in the grand scheme of things!

Answer 5

Children can look much different than their siblings.  I have an adopted daughter (her father is my husband, mother took off).  She doesn't look like either one of them.  She looks like his sisters.

I have 4 children I have given birth to.  My last one looks more like my grandson than she does her brother and sisters.  My first one had very straight dark hair, very muscular (girl), my second one had lighter hair, curly, and she was very petite.  

There are more to genetics than just the father and mother.  There are recessive genes that can come out.  There has even been women who have given birth to an African American baby and they are white.  Turns out that an ancestor was African American.  You just never know when the genes will pop up.

I think every father wonders at some point.  Women, we know, we gave birth, so we know the child belongs to us.  But what matters is the love.  Think of how that little boy would feel if he ever found out you did this, whether he was genetically yours or not.  He would feel that you didn't want him or didn't want to be his father.

I would just let it go and be happy that no matter how that child is yours that he IS yours.  Remember, a sperm and egg does not make a parent, someone who cares does.

Answer 6

I always kind of felt bad for men when it came to this.  You really have the short end of the stick.

Having that said, yes, get it done!  Like you said, the wondering ....... it wont just go away.  You just need to call a blood center, or if you don't know of one, call your doc and ask about it (completely confidential).  

One of the big reasons I tell you to do it is because, if this child has a different biological father, he deserves to know (I mean, wouldn't you want to know?)

But, just to share - I have 2 boys (same father) and they are VERY different.  One has brown eyes, one has blue.  One has brown hair, one has blond.  One is right handed, one is left.  Even their hair spirals in different directions!

Answer 7

I would get it done if I were you.  It hopefully won't change his and your relationship together.  His biological dad would just be a sperm donor.  But I feel the child has a right to know who is biological dad is if it isn't you.  Just in case questions or health issues arrise in the future, he won't be surprised at the truth.  Good luck!  That's a tough issue.

Answer 8

Keep in mind that children from the same parents can vary widely genetically, even though they are related.  It is perfectly within reason for one child to be blue-eyed and blond while another is dark-eyed and dark-haired, or for one to be quiet and shy with another is loud and boisterous.  If you suspect your wife of infidelity around the time the child was conceived, you may opt for the paternity test, but seriously consider how the outcome of the test could change your life and your son's.

Answer 9

Yes, you should. If your sure she fooled around. Just make sure your ready to deal with the results.Be very mentally prepared and dont go off on her if hes not yours, at risk of never seeing him again . Sit down and talk about it just dont blow up. I SLEPT WITH MY BEST FREIND while me and my ex were still together  and my best freind is still not ready and probably never will be ready to know if she is really his.

Answer 10

I have a friend going through a similar thing.  I told him, if you want the child to be yours, leave well enough alone.  At this point you've bonded with him, and say you'll love him regardless.  He's family, biology or not.

Answer 11

I would get it done so you will know and stop the stress that comes with not knowing