Should I have to check her kitchen for food???

Question

My husband is one of those people who takes care of others. That is one of the reasons I love him. But when is it too much help. We allow his sister to watch our daughter after school and during the summer as a way to ensure she has money in her pocket (we pay her for this service), She has two kids and is unable to work due to her own birth defects. Last week my daughter can home (she spend a couple of weeks with my father out of state)and I began dropping her off on my way to work. After like three days I noticed my daughter was comming home starving. She would walk in the house and go straight to the kitchen. My husband is out of town for two weeks working. When I mentioned it to him during one of our nightly phone calls he asked me did I check to see if his sister had any food. I told him no. She is a adult and has kids of her own. If she needed money for food I assume she would ask for it. He says our daughter is there so I need to check. I say this is overboard. Who is right???

Answer 1

ask your daughter if she eats there and what she does eat and drink . if the menu is not to your approval then go to the sister and tell her that you can bring food over for you daughter to eat during the day .

Answer 2

I agree with you that she is grown and has her own kids so why wouldn't she have food in her house? Also maybe shes not doing her job as a babysitter and feeding you daughter like she should. But I do think that maybe you should send somethings over there maybe juice and snacks for your daughter and some extra because she has to kids but  not to fill up her refrigerator. You know maybe you should start sending your daughter lunch. But I don't think you guys should get down eachother's throat about it.

Answer 3

Cant you just browse for food..like go in when you drop your daughter off and strike up a conversation in the kitchen and maybe when she walks out of the room check quick.  Maybe bring her to the county to apply for food stamps.

Answer 4

While I think that amypete's answer was perfect...I wanted to mention another point.

A grown woman who has no food in the house for her own children to eat (regardless of her own disabilities) is neglecting her children. I understand that there are issues of pride and dignity involved, but this is bordering on criminal behavior.  Social services should get involved.  That isn't a bad thing.  Your SIL has a supoort system in your husband, so I am sure she will manage fine, but she obviously doesn't comprehend the fact that her children come first...beore pride.

I am also wondering if there are any other issues, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc...where is the money going that you pay her?  She should be spending it on food.  HER BABIES ARE GOING HUNGRY...what would you think if this were not a relative or a person with a disability?  The greatest service you can do for her is treat her as if she were an able-d friend.  Find out what is going on.

Amypete's answer was a great short term fix, it is not the solution.  Unless your SIL gets professional help, this will happen again and may escalate.

Answer 5

Well I say that you should ask your daughter if she has had anything to eat there and if not then buy some food to take over there for them to eat after all you are family and also your right you shiould not have to check to see if she has food because she should know to ask if she needs help, like you said she has 2 kids of her own and she should never be to proud, because her babies are probably starving also and thats not right to starve those babies they deserve to eat more than anyone. so thats my advise to you ask your daughter if she has eaten anything that day if not take matters into your own hands and feed them kiddos they need it. Good luck

Answer 6

This is your daughter you're talking about.  You have every right to find out if she's getting something to eat at the sister's house.  Approach it in a friendly way, maybe say there are certain things your daughter likes to eat, and if the sister would like, you could buy those things to keep at her house so your daughter can have a snack after getting home from school.  And talk to your daughter!  Ask her why she's so hungry when she gets home.  Find out from her what's going on.

Answer 7

I would ask her is there anything she needs. maybe she is embarrassed to ask for money since you are already paying her. Or you can start sending your daughter with her meal and a snack packed already.

Answer 8

Have you asked your daughter if she has had anything to eat.  Try asking your sister in law if she is ok and does she have everything she needs.  She may be too embarrassed or proud to ask for money.  It would be better maybe if your husband rang his sister and he spoke to her.

Answer 9

I agree with the "wadeypops". Your sister could be in money troubles, so you could, say, invite her for tea and see if she is like really wanting to go. It's important to find, so I agree with your husband.

Answer 10

i really do think you should check to see if they have food!

that way your daughter doesnt starve

Answer 11

Next time you drop off your daughter go in with her with some food you already bought. Do not start going through fridge and cabinets putting it away but say that since she has been watching Carrie (your daughter`s name) all this time -- you know you already pay her but with the price of food going up you and Dan (your husband`s name) thought you would bring by some kid-friendly stuff to have on hand.  And make it yummy stuff your daughter and her kids will eat.  Tell her she is welcome to let you know if she runs out.  

Then breezily go to work.

It allows her to keep her dignity (yes I know it was reasonable to expect her to speak up if she did not have enough food but she might have been trying to find some other way to get it especially if she was embarrassed) and you to ensure that your daughter and your niece/nephew(s) have enough to eat.

And you are covered on the off chance that she does have food there and your daughter simply didn`t like what was offered. Maybe that would not apply to your daughter but stranger things have happened.

ETA: Sher is absolutely right as well. I meant this as a fix until your husband gets home. After that he should sit down and talk with her about whether she has enough groceries day to day for niece/nephew and look into -- if she has a mental illness or learning disability or something like that -- getting a case manager involved who would be a neutral party checking up on these things and helping her manage her disability money and food stamps (both of which she should be getting if her birth defect makes her unable to work) better so it goes farther.

She may still need financial and practical help from you and your husband over the long term and from outside sources so yes -- I should have clarified that my suggestion was short term fix so you personally would not have to check through her things with the kids there and with your husband away.

Answer 12

Ask your daughter if she has eaten.  If he isn't eating then maybe send her with lunch during the summer or a snack for after the days she goes over after summer school.