Should I include this in my resume?

Question

I wanted to be totally honest on my resume. Here are some things I think are worth including. What do you think?

*Won't p**p pants while working.

*Never had rabies.

*Can read and knows what make car go vroom vroom.

*That arrest in vermont CANNOT be proven.

*LIES LIES..ALL LIES. B@STARDS! DIE ARARAGHHCCHHH!

I mean...things like this can only help...can't they? right?

Answer 1

There must be a Sesame Street version or website for people like you.  

Answer 2

It's hard to believe you never had Rabies.

What about that French Poodle that bit you on the A$$?  Was she ever tested?  You could be infected, Dude.

Answer 3

I'm sure you are trying to be cute, but any resume I received that had any of the above would find itself immediately in the trash.