Should I leave my husband now or hang onto hope that things will get better?

Question

My husband has been identified as emotionally abusive by my therapist. I have joined an abuse board and he does a LOT of the things that the women there have experienced with their spouses. He says he's working on it by himself and sometimes I can see that he really is. However, other times, he is an absolute bear and doesn't seem to understand his own actions. I can stand up for myself for a while, but eventually, I just get tired of being strong when there is a lot of criticism and lack of intimacy being pointed my way. He refuses to get therapy and becomes enraged when I threaten to leave him. At this point, I'm 26 years old, I want children and I want a happy marriage...I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. On the other hand, my husband can be VERY sensitive and caring and I don't want to jump the gun by leaving. I'm really suffering and I don't want to destroy our marriage when there's still a shred of hope. What is the best course of action in this situation? I'm really close to emotionally healthy myself because I'm finishing up my therapy...so I don't want to be depressed and anxious anymore.

Answer 1

Look honey, if he doesn't want help nothing is going to change.  He cannot fix this himself and needs some therapy.  I am afraid for you physically and emotionally.  Leaving right now probably isn't a bad thing at least he knows your not taking his c**p anymore and should get some help.

Answer 2

I once had some similar issues and worked on them little by little with the help of a counselor and am much better now.. He probably needs to attend therapy to help him. He sounds like he has some good qualities. He needs to think before he flies off the handle. That has been the reason for my success. Instead of going ballistic, I would pause and think before I said anything and put my wife's feelings before my own. We have more harmony now. It is possible for him to change, but he has to want to change for him and for you. Remember that if he is making progress you still have a chance, but it may take professional help to get him to the point he needs to be.

Answer 3

Criticism, and lack of intimacy in the first year are not very good signs, however, it's only been a year and sometimes it takes awhile for a couple to find their groove. Some of these behaviors can stem from a bad relationship with his mother. If not then perhaps your therapist can give you some "take home" advice to help so that you can talk to him and try to get to the root cause of the problem. Maybe he's feeling stressed over something, or the fact that now life is a serious reality of bills and survival. Some men feel that the marriage is the end of their "fun" and they can resent you for it. Try to go out and do something fun and adventurous, don't plan too much, except to spend that time with each other, no schedules, or deadlines.

Remember that this relationship takes both of you and try to be up beat and supportive. However!!!!! do not be a door mat. If he is truly abusive, call him on it every time, and let him know that you will NOT accept that type of behavior. If he is truly sensitive and caring then he will make an effort.

Try and evaluate why the two of you really got married, and were the reasons valid, or was it an infatuation that spawned a dream of what life could be in a perfect world. Lots of people get married with high hopes and without a realistic view of what a true partnership it is. If you feel that you both made a sober realistic choice to get married then hang in there for a while longer, you have to at least give it a chance.

Good luck  

Answer 4

You've only been married a year... TELL HIM TO STOP PLAYING GAMES AND GET INTO THERAPY. He can't cure himself of being an abuser.  If he doesn't listen , get divorced before you find yourself trapped forever with an abusive husband  and children to watch out for.

     You are young ... get yourself a life .

Do you really want to live with abuse?

Answer 5

I don,t think anyone can call that one for you . There is good and bad in all marriages . If your looking for a perfect life good luck .

Answer 6

Your husband was selected by you, so this means you were attracted to his emotions and issues. Don't try to change him, and don't have kids if you are not sure your marriage will work.

Answer 7

Any form of abuse is grounds for Divorce.  I would you still have a chance on have a better relationship.  Good Luck.  Let me also tell you that you can not change people.

Answer 8

The way you describe it, being really good, and then really bad, almost makes me think that there might be some bi-polar going on or some other mental health issue.  See if maybe he will go to a psychiatrist, if he won't go to counseling.  Maybe medication will help settle him down, and the two of you can keep working on things.  But if he refuses to go to counseling and refuses to see a doctor, then in my mind he is refusing to work on the problem, and if he is abusive, you might just have to let him go.

Answer 9

There is no way to guarantee this situation will improve. If you want all the things you talk about I think you need to leave this relationship, repair whatever damage might have been done to your self-esteem and then begin to look for a healthy, mature, and sensitive partner you can truly experience emotional intimacy with.

Answer 10

Hope is all your hanging on to, as a woman who has been in the shoes your wearing i know your pain. i understand that divorce can be a hard thing to do but if you want to have children one day you need to ask yourself if you want them to have a father who is mentally abusive towards you, remember that your children will grow to be like the parents and whats worse is they can and may pick up the fathers habit and if you have a girl she may think that if mom can take the abuse then it is ok for me.if you don't want to divorce right away then try moving out of the house or app, and getting your own place. if you fear for your life you need to get a restraining order for your own protection. then show him that you mean what you do, maybe he'll go into counseling with you.

Answer 11

When I first saw this question I was going to tell you to up and leave him, but based on your further information it sounds as if he's making a concerted effort to work through things with you.  Some people don't respond well to therapy, some do.  If you married him, there must be a reason that you want to be with him.  After only year, it sounds like you've either made a big mistake in choosing your mate, which you can very possibly do again, or you're not sure about putting in more effort to make the marriage work.  

I can't tell you what to do, but I suggest you exhaust all options before getting a divorce.  Marriage isn't meant to be convenient.  It's hard work.

Answer 12

I have been through that exact situation.  Only I let it go on for 8-1/2 years and brought a child into the picture.  The further you get into this relationship, the harder it is to get yourself out of it.

Abuse is not something you need to tolerate.  I moved on and found a man that treats me with respect, kindness, and loyalty.  

All I can say is you know your husband better than anyone.  Only you can tell if he is really trying or not...or if the changes he's made are significant for you to be in a happy and healthy relationship.  

Answer 13

It sounds more like you married a warden instead of a gaining a husband.  I would say try marriage counseling and give it a year or two before you even try to bring children into this equation, but since he is against that, in order for you to be truly happy I would say take a break and do a temporary separation, if that does not wake him up then I would make the separation more permanent.    

Answer 14

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  Personally i would say separate and if he gets helps and continues to get help then get back together.  If not file for divorce.  If he knows you won't leave him, he really doesn't have much incentive to get better.

Good luck...sounds like a very difficult situation.