Should I let my babies father in my childs life?

Question

I'm 21 for your info, and he is 20. Anyway - onwards;

Babies dad and I talked tonight, we aren't together anymore. He wanted the baby to be aborted/adoptioned away, and I chose to keep the baby. [I'm due in 5 weeks.] Anyway, he says that he can't live pretending he doesn't have a baby - but he also can't be a dad.

So he informed me that he would play a role in the childs life, but not as "dad". As what he chooses - he isn't sure what that role will be yet, he'll make that up as he goes. But since I forced him into being a father and I got to choose if I kept the baby - he gets to choose this. His exact words "you chose to keep the child knowing I wasn't ready to be a father, so this is what you are getting."

I told him to either accept what has happened - and that he's going to be a dad in a month or so or to eff off, and he has chosen the later - by going offline.

But, I just want opinions. Should I let him pick his role? Or did I do the right thing by saying eff off? ... I - don't want to deny the man his child - but I don't want my childs father to be known to my child as "cousin Jimmy" or best friend Paul. ....=S

Answer 1

I am sorry you are in that position!

He should give you child support and he needs to grow up and take responsibility for what you both did together. Take him to court if you need to. You didn't force him into being a father any more than you forced him to have s*x with you..jeez gimme a break! If he wasn't ready to be a father he should've kept it in his pants!

If he decides to pull his head out of his butt then let him spend some time with the child as you see fit. I think he should see the child as the dad..since that is what he is.

Good Luck girl!

Answer 2

He made that decision to become father when he laid down with you and did not take precautions on his end to prevent pregnancy.

You did not have s*x alone and he should be responsible for this child as well.

He either steps up and be responsible for his child, or he can kick rocks and keep moving. That is the bottom line. No child deserves to have to find out 10 years or more down the road that a so-called family friend is actually his father! The child will likely blame this on you and never trust you again for not being honest.

Stick to your guns honey! You are not wrong in this situation. If he chooses not to be in your life, just raise this bundle of joy to the best of your abilities. Let the chid know later in life when he comes to understand what the actual situation is. He has a legal obligation to this child, whelther he wants to be there or not. Take his butt to court for child support. You will eventually meet someone who is willing to take on the role of father. Anyone can be a father, but it takes a special guy to step up and be a daddy.

Good Luck and Congrats on your bundle of joy!! :-)

Answer 3

First of all, you decide what is best for baby, not him, not you. Second, you decide what you do, and he decides what he does.

My opinion: If you plan on naming him on the birth certificate and collecting child support (if you do one you should do the other) then you will probably be obligated to let him see the child no matter what he calls himself. The problem then will be whether or not he wants to take an active role or not. The child will have to be told something at some point, but for the first while (maybe a year or more) it will make no difference at all what you call your ex to the baby. As for everyone else, well, they know, don't they? What about his family? Are they interested? Are there grandparents/aunts/uncles there that might want a say? You sound like you are inclined to take a wait-and-see approach to this and that might be your best bet. It won't matter to the child, and anyway, the term for this guy seems to be "biological father" and not daddy, for now anyway. But, all kinds of things could happen. Your ex may run for it when you send the support papers, or he might turn around and step up once he ses the baby a few times, you may have a clearer idea of what you want to do six or eight months from now when (hopefully) baby is sleeping through the night, (and your hormones are settling), you might marry someone else that wants to be "daddy," at some point, and it might mean something then. The best I can say is to decide what YOU are going to do about you and the baby for the immediate future and then tell HIM how it is, and if you can deal with the fact that he wants the kid to call him by his first name maybe that's OK though it won't change facts. Point is you actually have some time to deal with that question, and you both may end up changing your minds six times before the baby can say either "daddy" OR "cousin Jimmy".

Answer 4

I think you should let him have access to his child as the child's father, and allow him some time to come to terms with what that means for him.  You've had to come to terms with it already, because you're faced with it constantly during the pregnancy, but he hasn't yet.  There is nothing in that relationship that you should be forcing; it should be entirely dependent on the father.  He should also be providing you with child support.  You need to put your childish feelings behind you now that you're going to be a parent.  To me it sounds like you still have feelings for the father, and you haven't dealt with the rejection, and you need to.

Answer 5

wow, 1st off take him to court!!! Get child support!!!! 2nd cut off his weiner, lol jk, and 3rd of all, let him be in the babies life, 2 wrongs dont make a right....Congrats

Answer 6

honestly i think u did the right thing by sayin eff off. he either needs to stand up to the plate, n be a man or exactly what u said eff off.

i pray he is in the child's life - if its in the best interest of the child, meaning if hes a good guy regarding. if he isnt going to settle for daddy because thats what he is, then take him to court. how is that child going to cope when he finds out big brother billy or uncle jimmy is infact his dad? it will destroy him and cause destruction to him. he will feel betrayed and lost and he will no longer want anything to do with him, because he isnt the person he thought he was, n his own father lied to him. a betrayal that a child can never recover from.

Answer 7

I think he chose his role when he agreed to have unprotected s*x with you. And it is definitely not fair for him to say he doesn't have to play the "dad role" just because you opted to not have an abortion. I'm confused as to what role he plans to play - and I certainly hope whichever one it is, it includes providing you some financial support. If he won't do it voluntarily, the court will be more than happy to make him. Just because he doesn't want to take on the "dad role" doesn't mean he isn't the father which still makes him responsible for that child.

Good luck to you and I'm glad you decided to keep the baby =)

Answer 8

yes kids will like it in the long run and ur husband will adjust

Answer 9

Choose his role???  Are you kidding me!!!  He chose his role when he did the deed!  What's done is done!  Could you imagine if your sweet baby found out 20 years from now that cousin Jimmy was really daddy!  He could never trust you again, for lying his entire life.  You arent denying this man his child, he doesnt get to choose.  Take him to court, get a paternity test (so he cant deny his role anymore), and get support.  It's time to man up buster!  It will be tough, but you have to do what is in the best interest of your child.  Good luck!  And congratulations on your bundle of joy!

Answer 10

I would just cut all ties with him. Obviously he doesn't want to be a father. I wouldn't deny him the opportunity if he wanted to try later on, but for now I would just let it go. Legally he would be responsible for this child, however you hold that in your hands. If you are not married, then he has to have the child legitimized. If he chooses not to, then that is he own problem. You do not have to tell the child anything positive or negative. Later on in life if the child asks about him, just explain that he was not ready to be a father at the time you had him/her. I have 2 daughters by the same guy and he walked out on us when they were ages 3 and 1. I actually tried to force him to be a father, called him all the time, took the kids to see him, ect. and he finally f-ed up and I decided that he would have to go thru the courts to get visitation rights. That has been almost 4 years ago and he has not seen them since nor has he made the effort to see them. I am now happily married to the man that my kids call DADDY. You will find someone who will want to be a father to your child, and when you do, the actual father will regret it.

Answer 11

well you should let him see them still. I never had contact with my father and now im really depressed about it

Answer 12

ive had a crappy day so i'll tell it straight out.. he is a ***** wit who does not deserve to be in your child's life..i would take him to court for child support and then go for full custody..i don't know who he thinks he is but he helped make that baby he doesn't get to choose what role he plays.. he will mess his child up if he cant be man enough to acknowledge the baby as his child.. i personally would hate to have a father that i know is ashamed that i was his.. he is a dead beat and your baby would be better off knowing that he or she has a mummy that loves him or her completely no matter what even if its father is not a good person

Answer 13

i think it should be treated like most people who get a divorce treat it. you get the child, the child knows who his dad is but only gets to see him every once and a while.

i think the child should still be able to call him "daddy"

Answer 14

stick to your guns,anybody can make a baby.it takes a real man to be a father.he should feel honored to even be able to produce a child....think of your baby,when he or she turns 9 or 12 when they find out they're cousin is really their dad.they wont blame him they'll blame yo for not telling the truth.you OWE it to you child to give it the best and cousin jimmy and bff paul is not it.trust me.

Answer 15

I feel for you, and whats worse is that you are going to get so many different opinions, you still may not know what to do! Sadly parenthood is just not for everyone, but you have to trust yourself and what you feel. Good thing is the baby wont understand anything for awhile and maybe dad will grow up in time, but  what if he doesnt?? A lie will never help a child, so your choice was a good one. Financially dad doesnt get a choice!!! Thats one thing that will remind him, he is a Father! I went through a similar situation, except he didnt give me any warning. My daughter is 8, shes seen him a few times her whole life, and the last time was 2 years ago. It will hurt, but we as mothers put our childrens needs 1st. I can tell by reading your statement you are already doing that. Time will lead you, Congrats! This is a happy  time in your life,,enjoy it.

Answer 16

Ohhh my god, that guy is a freakin DOUCHE. please dont even let him see that little baby! Your not forcing him to be a father because you have to option of being a single parent, you don't need his stupid a$s dude i wanna punch him in the face after reading the quote you provided.  

Answer 17

No...its not right for him to want to be apart of the kids life and not want to be the father. Do you know how......messed up....that would be for you and the kid? Not so much him because he's getting to A)see his son/daughter and B) Get off of the "Daddy" hook.

If he decided to be irresponsible (there are so many methods of preventing unwanted pregnancies) and have a kid then he should man up and be a dad.

If he dosent want to be that, then he dosent need to have a part of it. What are you going to tell the kid when he/she comes of age?  " Your daddy went on vacation ?"

Its an honor to be a father.

Maybe he needs to realize that?

Maybe he will and he'll change his tune when he becomes more  "mature"?

Answer 18

He is being absolutely ridiculous! I don't see why he would even suggest such a thing I mean that could really mess your child up if he plays the role of someone other then a father! I think you did that right thing, if he really wants to be around for his child then he should be the father! Good luck and maybe he will come around to being a father soon.

Answer 19

Dont let him choose his role, this isnt a play.

Give him the choice be a father or nothing.

"Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad"

If he doesnt want anything have him sign over his rights/get child support.

Answer 20

first off.  Sue him for child support.   Do this right away.  No matter what stupid excuse he attempts to give you.  A girl I used to work with did this.  Her daughter was like 5 years old at the time.  Her and her boyfriend had been living together the whole time.  She said that sence they were not married, it was best to have it set up that child support came out of his check from day 1.

Second,  You did not make him a father before he was ready.  He chose to have s*x,  and believe it or not, s*x leads to babies!  He decided to take the chance of being a dad when he decided to have s*x.  

Your child also has a right to know who their father is.  

Answer 21

thats stupid.

both of you made the decision, the baby shouldn't have to pay.  if neither are ready give him up for adoption so he can have a better life.  I'm sure there is plenty of good couples out there that want a newborn

if you keep the baby then yes let the father be a part of his life.  

Answer 22

I think every child should have an adult male in their life, so even idf the babies dad doesn't want to be a "full time" dad, I suggest he should look after the baby for example, once every week etc. or maybe even on the weekends.  

  Hope I helped!

Answer 23

1 thats what child support is for  #2 you didnt  have s*x with yourself he did and he picked not to use protection.#3 you did the right thing#4 s***w him sounds like you are better off without him

Answer 24

Ok firstly you did not force him to have s*x with you...right??

then you didn't force him to become a father, that is what happens, no ones fault just nature.

I think if he wants to be apart of your child's life than that's good, but he will need to be 'a' father role. Your child I think should know that he is its biological father.

Maybe if your go to your GP and ask to see a councillor with/or without the to be biological father than you can sit down and talk about clear boundaries and arrangements. This guy will also need to pay child support and its best to get this worked out from the start.  

Answer 25

that is complete BS. He is the DAD, not a family friend or something, i feel so sorry for  your son. Maybe he will change his attitude once your baby is born.

and btw. Im glad you kept him :)

Answer 26

from what you say it sounds like you wont be getting child support and he must pay if it is his child wether he likes it or not so take this up with a solisitor and with letting him in your babies life i say yes but when the kid gets older and starts asking where dad is tell him/her where dad is and who it is it may involve more questions but you just need to have the patience and be honest with the kid. As for it was your desicion most deffiently as it is your body and if you can not take killing a kid that never asked to be here in the first place then you have the right to keep it as he could have quite easily have prevented it happening.

I hope i have been of some help.