Should I let my son see his father and his family?

Question

I have a 10 yr old son his father split when i was pregnant. I raised my child all on my own all 10 yrs...My son met his father when he was 5. he was around for a while and then vanished. Now it has been 5 yrs again and now he shows up again. I have been married for 5 yrs now and my husband has raised him like if my son was his. Now my sons grandmother has been presuring me that they want to see him, they live around 500 miles away. How can i just send my son so far away if my son doesn't know them. And plus how can they just come in when my husband has been there for him for along time way before i got married. I dont think its fair for my husband for them just to come in and just say hey were here for you. when they have not given one dime for him. What should i do?

Answer 1

Well

I'm 12 and my parents are divorced

I'dd let him see him.

He deserves too

=)  

Answer 2

I understand u I really do its wrong be like this " how about ya'll come see him " u no so u can be there but yes you should see the other side u no and if he doenst like them because he is older enough to decide then dnt make him see them no more simple as that

Answer 3

Well you are in a tight spot. First I would not let him go 500 miles away, when he does not know them! If they want to be in his life then you need to stand  to them and tell them they are not going to just drop in and out of his life at such a young age it will confuse him, if they want to be a part of his life then great but supervised at first at your house then go from there. Tell them they have this 1 chance to show you. I feel for your husband and your son will remember how he was there when he was younger it might be a long time but he did something that he did not have to do( raising him and loving him) . If everthing works out it would be great no child can have to much love or people that love him. And if the real father is ready to step up then there is child support, and in these times every little bit helps.. good luck , but think of him and the future, you don't want him later on to find out that you did not give them a chance.

Answer 4

Money is not the issue when it comes to loving your son, so don't let it become an issue with you and his father, otherwise he may find some way to use it against you- obsurd as that may sound. I don't have a child of my own, so this might not be the most educated answer, but if there is your husband, who treats your son as if he were his own, maybe the best answer lies with him.

Answer 5

It is for the son to make this decision or he could possibly resent not being given the opportunity later in life.

I would first get them in touch (assuming son wants to) via internet or phone. See if that helps son decide and give him the opportunity to get to know his biological father.

Your son knows full well how much his real Dad has loved and cherished him & no-one can ever take that away.

Best wishes. UK

Answer 6

Only if you trust him u should tell them to come up to see him not him go to them until his a little bit older . Or better still ask your son what he wants to do he is older now to make his own mind up.

Answer 7

Hi.....I will say do not let ur son meet his real father...had he loved his son..he woul'd have not left you while pregnant...right...also your now-husband loves and care your son a lot..he might also feel bad...you talk with your now-husband...I m sure he will guide you correctly...

Answer 8

500 miles!! Yikes.. im in England and thats Far. Okay well he is 10 years old. You need to talk to your son about this and your husband because it is a decision you must all make together.. oh and your sons dad. Concidering how much the real father has been around i would say no to your som travelling out to him. Let him see his real father but just let him know that you will be there for him whatever happens (ie.. if he leaves again and hurts your sons feelings). But dont warn your son off him, thats for him to decide his feelings for his real father.

Rules should be put in place.. a day out only if the real father is willing to travel to you guys and pick him up for the day.. use it to show his commitment this time otherwise all he has to do is sit on his **** and at least you will know your son isnt 500 miles away somehwere else and can come home when he feels he wasts to.. day by day....

Answer 9

yes u should. but dont send him like that, go with him and ur hubby like u wanna go visiting some relatives.

Answer 10

Your husband had no involvement in making that child. If his biological father wants to be a part of his life, then he has every right to do so, and you have the obligation to encourage it as the mother. Your concern should not be with how much it may upset your husband, but rather what's best for your son.

If his Dad has been gone for that long, I would not simply send him off with what ultimately boils down to strangers. His father needs to build a relationship with him, and a co parenting relationship with you before he decides to take the child that far away.

Money is not a requirement to spend time with a child. I don't know why so many women have it backwards thinking that a man has to pay to see his child or to be a legitimate father.  

Answer 11

I agree with you..that was their mistake..but i think you would be making a mistake if you dont let your son see his father..maybe you should go with him and your husband should come along..and as much as that sucks that his father hasnt supported you at all...it sucks more not knowing who your father was.

Answer 12

Tough call for you! Your ex-husband and his family mayn’t give up on meeting him and trying to influence him – you don’t want to become the ‘bad guy’ here by refusing a meeting.

Although your concern/fear is genuine, you need to trust your child’s understanding the truth. ‘Father’ isn’t just the biological connection – the person who nurtures and brings up the child is perhaps more the father. Children are more perceptive than adults may think, so give him the facts without frills.

Sending the child over a distance on this emotionally unsettling occasion doesn’t seem a good idea. You’ve built a happy environment for the child now; your present husband has bonded well as you say. Perhaps you can tell those people to visit sometime, so the first meeting is in the presence of the real family the child has known for the past 5 years. He’ll need this family’s emotional support to deal with the situation in a positive way.

Answer 13

I think it's up to your son.

And ask him again when he's a few years older.

Answer 14

Similar dilemma.

My son is 8. His "father"(ugh) hasn't seen him  but off and on his entire life.

I live 800 miles from him(Matthew) and my former in-laws.

My current husband unofficially adopted my son when he was 2.

My in-laws convinced my hubby to send my son and my girls down to Alabama to visit family.

I was deployed at the time and approved.

Never again.

I had asked of them to not let my son go with Matthew because Matthew is very irresponsible.

They ignored my wishes.

So now, he hasn't been back. When he does go, I will be with him.

No more unsupervised visits.

Don't let them have him unsupervised.

Back before I left the military, I was outprocessing(getting out) at Ft Hood, I let them come and get my son.

I called every other day while I was getting everything done.

His grandfather decided that he didn't want to bring him back or let me come get him.

He filed abandonment charges against me.

I jumped in the car and burnt rubber getting to Bama.

I was hurt and angry. I felt like they cheated me. Lied to me.

Anyway, I typed up the motions and went to court to get him back and won-with no lawyer.

That's how desperate I was.

Anyway, that's my suggestion...no unsupervised visits. It's just not worth it.

If they get mad...so be it. It isn't like they've been around anyway.

You've obviously done alright without them thus far, eh?