Should I marry a man whose family don't like me because I'm black and he's white or should I just move on?

Question

I have a boyfriend named james who is white. We have been together for a year. When I met james he didn't care about my skin color we just had so much fun conversations and we loved each other personalities. James and I are thinking about getting married. Its just one problem. I get a vibe that his family don't like me because of the simple reason that I'm black. Every time I come around everybody is looking at me crazy or whispering and its not a good feeling. James knows his parents ont like me but he doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he doesn't talk about it when I ask about it. One night after his parent picnic we came home and I just burst up crying and telling him that I cant do it anymore I cant be with him because I feel rejected just because of my color. I hate racist people. I am a good woman. I'm a pharmacist and I'm in college I got my own house , I'm intelligent and sweet, and I look good lol...... What should I do should just marry him and pay no attention to his family or move on. Because the problem is just going to keep going.

Answer 1

Love is hard enough to find, so don't let anything get in your way. Hope his family comes around and see's the true you. Enjoy your wedding!

Answer 2

Who cares, if you both love one another. This is a new age, his family will come around.  

Answer 3

Does he stick up for you? Or does he just say, "you're overreacting" or that "that's just the way they are." If he is saying this, he is abusing you by enabling them.

Either way, it looks like you have an in law problem and your fiancee needs to stick by you if he wants to marry you. When you marry someone, you have to put them first. Sounds like he isn't.

He should stick up for you and I am so sorry you're going through this. Its not just a matter of being racist, its just that they are ignorant a-holes. I had in laws (now ex in laws) that didn't like me simply because I was marrying their son.  

Answer 4

sweetie when someone is in love with that special person, they try not to hurt them. that is probably why he does not want to discuss it. just be straight forward with him and say i understand that you are trying to spare my feelings about how the way your family feels about me and i love you for that. but please tell me what is being said so when i meet them again i will be prepared on how to rise above them. do not cuss them and continually bless them. hold your head high and keep your back straight and when you do marry him it will be their loss and your gain. never let /allow anyone to make you feel unsure about your self and i mean no one.  you have found a man who is willing to forsake his family because he loves you.  he loves you so much that he is willing to not tell you the truth so you won't cry.stick with him and forget the family . you are marrying him and he has just proved that he will stick by you no matter what.

Answer 5

I think you need to work on your grammar and grow up a little before you consider marriage

"Whose family don't like me"

"whose family DOESN'T like me"

Was it that hard?

Answer 6

Sorry that the racism is still alive today, but you need to look beyond that because it seems as though James does not have a problem with the color of your skin, because if he did he would not have started with fun conversations and whatever else you two were doing to get this relationship started.  As for the marriage, go ahead with it if that's what you two have agreed upon.  One thing is for sure, you can't please everyone.  You must do whatever makes you and him happy, if it means not getting his parents involved in this joyous occasion, then so be it.  Hold your head up, and one day if it comes to it, then maybe you two should sit down with his parents and lay the cards on the table, you are not the first person who will ever be disliked by their fiances parents and won't be the last.  You both love each other and that is the most important thing.  Congrats on your education and career keep up the good work.  DO NOT ALLOW HIS FAMILY TO COME BETWEEN YOU TWO.  Remember when we bleed, we all bleed the same color RED.  Good luck, hope things work out for you two.  Oh by the way, this is coming from a black female.  lol

Answer 7

I am African American as well, and I say u should marry him. The family shouldnt matter, although they do. As long as you dont have to see them often, you should be ok. But he needs to speak up on ur behalf. He needs to put his family in his place, because if not he is allowing u to be disrespected and mistreated. If he does NOT defend u, then u might want to reconsider. However, if he does tell his family what the deal is, and u dont have to see them all like that, I think u should get married. Not everyone is going to like you, and unfortunately apart of that "everyone" may be that significant other's family.  Since you have ur own place, u r past the age where parents opinion matters.

Answer 8

This is  a very interesting question.We are now in the 21 century,forget about racism.If both love each other,if for him is not a big deal, about what his family think;if he want to be marry with you,then you can go on in this relationship,and be marry with him.Ask him : what he is thinking about this situation with his family, if he love you indeed,and if he want to be marry with you.Depending what he answer to you,you can stay in this relationship or move on.But first ask him to answer honestly those question.There are thousands of marriages between people of different countries around planet earth.Racism mean ignorance total.Good luck.

Answer 9

If your boyfriend won't discuss the situation with you , you need to move on.  If would be different if he would talk about it, but as it is it sounds like this relationship is causing you a lot of pain.  Maybe  if you get serious about breaking it off, he might realize how much pain you are in and either let you go and discuss ways to alleivate the situation

Answer 10

yes the problem will keep going

id confront the family. but im that way : )

Answer 11

You are more than right about the problem.

    And remember, one day there will be children and your going to have to be strong enough to see them go through the same thing, compared to the way they will treat the other grand kids.  And believe it or not, "they" really believe they show no favouritism.

    See that's what i try to tell ppl. Our elders knew what they were talking about when they did not agree with mixed marriage. I personally couldn't care, but they were right when they said, it didn't work, even black parents were against it, unfortunately there "are" differences.

     Think about it, when was the last time you saw an old married interracial couple sitting or walking together....doesn't happen. Just goes to show, many interracial couples marry and cohabitate, but it "never" lasts.

     I personally say, if your stong enough to handle it, do it.  It's not like your kids will loose out, you and their dad can give them enough love, caring and attention. But can you live with it and still be happy, is the question i'm asking.

      

Answer 12

Have the family vote for Obama and they will understand what is unity.

Answer 13

don't worry because i have been in the same situation my husband and i are both  black as well but he is from a different tribe but we are from the same country and my family did not like  him but now they adore him and even calls him more than they call me so just give it time i know it's hard trust me they will come around.

Answer 14

if you love him and he makes you happy and gives you your place then go for it.............you're nt going to marry his family and even though it will be uncomfortable for the both of you,,,s***w his family

Answer 15

I think you should stay and make it work.  I have some what of the same problem.  My husband is half black and white, I am half white and hispanic, and it seems like his black side of the family...mainly aunts and cousins dont like me, they wont even talk to me or act all fake in my face.  But you know what, Im happy we love eachother and i try not to let it bother me! Just be happy! I hope this helps! =)

Answer 16

It's really about what you can live with.  People do marry into racist families and learn to finally get along.  Some people just need time adjusting to new ideas, and maybe they would finally get used to you being around.  There is also a good possibility that they wouldn't get used to the idea and you guys would be considered like family outcasts.  If he's a big family person then I would definitely think it over before getting married and seriously too, but if he's not really around his family things have a better outlook.  It would be less likely to interfere with your life if he was rarely around them.    

Answer 17

If you love him and can see yourself with him the rest of your life, yes, you should marry him despite what his parents think.

I know my future mother-in-law doesn't approve of me.  Both my fiance and I are white, but since I didn't go to college and I don't care for art and museums I'm less of a person.  It doesn't matter that I took a trade and started making good money right after I finished.  But like James' parents, they don't come out and "say" anything...its just a vibe.  Or they will make little remarks and indications.  My MIL can make you feel two inches tall within minutes of talking to her.

James' parents could never say anything bad about you, unless they have equally discriminatory friends...racism is wrong and strongly frowned upon these days.  Although some people still have their twisted views it is NOT popular to dislike someone just because they are black, asian, etc.  It will only make them look very, very bad.

You're not likely going to change their minds and you do not have to!!! As many have said on here, you're marrying him, not them.  You owe them nothing.  You're sucessful and stable and people would love to have you as their DIL.

A psychotherapist once said to me that family can be the most toxic relationship.  Members can mistreat each other and somehow it's okay or accepted because they are "blood".  Kids continue to "honor their father and mother" even though they are abusing them...but I digress.

The difficult thing, from what I gather from what you wrote, is no one is coming out and saying anything against you.  You know how they feel, James knows how they feel but there is no proof.  It would be a lot easier to confront and deal with if one of them were to make a derogatory remark to your face.  My MIL would never say anything outright cruel to me because she knows her son would disown her.

Unless James is overly eager to please his family, eventually their attitude will wear away at him and he will pull closer to you.  And if you have kids, what happens? Are they going to treat them like they're less than human? Their own grandchildren?

A man is supposed to "leave his father and mother and be one flesh with his wife".  If James is prepared to do that and defend you to his family you should get married.  And if they are going to treat you with disrespect or condescendingly, you don't have to spend time with them.  Why should you have to apease them when they are the ones with the ignorant attitudes?

Good luck, honey!

Answer 18

If this is the person for you, family approval does not mean much if this is the one you want to wake up with in the morning and spend your free time with. If they get on your case, tell them to change their 'tude or the door is right over there and leave and feel free to come back and joing the party when the 'tude adjustment has kicked in.

Answer 19

if he really loves you, he will tell his family to deal with it. My daughter's godfather is black. he and his wife (who is white) dated for 5 years, and her family HATED him. they didn't want them to get married, have kids, be together. But she finally told them she loved him and they got married anyway. now they have 4 kids, and her family completely loves him. so yeah, it takes some getting used to. But if you both show his family that you're not going to be intimidated, I know it will work out ok.  

Answer 20

His family will always be in his life one way or the other.  If the comments they make and will continue to make bother you.  Then end the relationship. We can't help who we are.  I am hispanic and wouldn't date anyone who put me down because of it.  And if I had to constantly deal with his friends or family not liking me.   Because of my looks.  Or who I am in general  I would rather end the relationship.  

Answer 21

Just remember...you are not marrying his family, you are marrying him!!

whether they like you are not - the relationship has to be based on loving him and his beliefs. if the family doesnt want to ba a part of your fabulousness...then it is their loss.

Answer 22

Marie,

Sorry to hear this. It's pretty common that one side of the family or other has issues about race. I had a grandfather who I still think was KKK, and his sick jokes made me despise him. When he died I was happy, and then I found out his own wife and children were all ecstatic!

I think if you love James and he loves you, you can work around the family issues, maybe by just very little contact...permanently. But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!

The concerns for me would be my family background and history, the obvious cultural differences especially being west coast raised, and what effect this would have on my Bride. I'm also 52 which places me in several historical events that formulated my opinions...right or wrong.

You guys are most likely much younger than I and have alot more respect than the older crowd..I say go love him and let him love you! Forever!!

Wally

Answer 23

That really stinks that people are like that.  Do you want my honest opinion?  It is extremely hard to be with a person whose family doesn't accept you.  It is sad because it isn't his fault, but at the same time you cannot be expected to deal with his family.  It is much easier to be with someone who has a family that loves you.

Answer 24

I am so sorry to hear about that. But, don't feel too sad about it. Talk to him, and try to know his opinion. Tell you what, he is the one who knows his family the best, so he is the one who can provide you the best solution.

hmm.. From what you had describe, you are intelligent, a pharmacist, if you are gentle..... I can't see why they can't accept you.

Of course you need to go through a hard time for it. However, the most important is, do you think worth it? or else you need to put in more effort, swallow more tears.  

Answer 25

It is not about " if you love him, you should marry him", it is, in fact, about if he truely loves you.  If he does, it worths your pains and suffereings.  You should know what place you are in in his heart, then, you make your rational judgement to see if you should go forword or to get out.

Answer 26

Well.  One of the things I come to learn is that when you are considering marriage, you want the playfield as level as possible.  Race, is a very big 'bump' and a major roadblock to marriages sometimes.

Furthermore, try to be as compatible as possible with your spouse.  Get it worked out now before you go any further.  Not that I am telling you to let him go, but there comes a time in a man's life when he has to 'leave' mother and father to 'cleave' to a wife.

If James loves you enough, he'll chose you over his family and if he is smart enough, he'll do it in such a way as to make them feel ashamed of themselves for the 'rejection' they show you.  

But since the time is not yet late, maybe you want to think twice about the struggle you are going to have to face on a constant basis. It is so funny that today, society accepts unnatural tendencies when it comes to s*x and sexuality but they are still having a problem with interracial marriages. Life!

Answer 27

If you two truly love each other and want to get married, and his family wants to be an *** then let them.. It's your two lives and about your love and happiness. Who knows maybe they'll change.. Just make yourself happy..Good Luck Honey......Hope everything goes well....

Answer 28

You are not marrying his family, your marrying James and if your feelings for him are true and his are for you, then you both should get engaged. As for the family!, they are the ones with the problem, not you. Just don't see them as often, until they get over their hang up. The more relaxed you are around them, then the more relaxed they will become around you.