Should I move on with my life or is there something worth saving in this relationship?

Question

I've been dating my girlfriend for a little short of 3 years now. The good times we had together were incredible, we both really connected on a level neither of us ever had with anyone else and we became best friends in addition to lovers. We incorporated each other fully into our lives. Unfortunately, for the past year or so, I really didn't appreciate her like I should have. I took our relationship for granted and I was mean to her to the point of being abusive. I truly am sorry for having done it, and since we split a couple months ago over it, I've done a lot of soul searching and sought therapy to make myself a better person so that I don't behave like that to anyone else in my life ever again. I've grown up a lot and matured as a person. During the last two months we've been apart, we maintained contact, but often ended up fighting more than anything else, mostly because of me. I understand why she isn't ready to be with me again, and I know she may never be. What I don't get is how she tells me that she can't forgive me and try to move on and basically won't consider ever getting back together with me even if she knows it's a mistake, and yet simultaneously tells me that she still loves me and always will and that when she thinks about having kids, it's always with me. I sincerely believe she still loves me, but maybe is afraid I'll hurt her again. I guess what I'm wondering is, can this be fixed or is it just better to move on with my life without her? I truly love her with all my heart, and I really want to dedicate every day the rest of my life to having the kind of future we could have had if I wouldn't have been the way I was. I'm dealing with guilt from my behavior, but I've come to realize that I want her back now not to deal with that but because I truly want to be with her. She still wants to be best friends, but remove the romantic aspects of what we had, and I just don't think I can do that. It would hurt too much every day to be so close to having something I want so bad and still be unable to get it. I appreciate any sincere advice anyone can give. I don't know how to proceed or what to do at this point, and I just would really appreciate some insight or guidance. And if this is possible to mend, how would I go about doing that?

Answer 1

I'm in the same boat.  Give her space, take time apart, if you feel the same way after a few months, and want to get back together, work on it and tell her how you feel.  You are only going to continue to fight, and push her farther away if you keep talking.

Answer 2

if you've physically or mentally abused her, she's wounded & will not want to go back there no matter what you promise.  It's just too likely (from the female's perspective) to happen again.  So prove yourself to her by growing, maturing, having your own life & see if, in time, you might get back together.  Part of not wanting to be friends, is probably jealousy--you're afraid she's going to find "mr right" while being just friends with you.  But it's too hard to be just friends, when you've had a sexual relationship before & still care, so just be cool towards her & don't try to be friends.   Build your life.  Make it good.  Hook up w/ someone else to  'test' your relationship skills & see if you connect with another the same way.  Sometimes the chemistry's just not quite right for 2 people.  Anyway, in time she may see that you've matured & can be trusted again..  Someday it may work out.  If not, it wasn't meant to be!

Answer 3

Sometimes a relationship has been so destructive to a person that they cannot consider going back no matter what changes have occurred (i.e., that ship has sailed). This may be one of those cases. Only you know whether it's time to cut your losses. My philosophy is that when a person tells me it's over, I say goodbye and leave. It's more dignified and I'm not going to hang around a person who has basically rejected a relationship.