Should I or Shouldn't I Confront My Grandmother?

Question

Over the weekend, we attended a family B-day party, where my daughter was grumpy, tired, hot and over all irritated. This meant she didn't want to be touched by anyone, even goodbye hugs and kisses. My husband and I are very much for respecting her wishes as this teaches her that those that love her and don't wish to harm her willl listen when she says so, and those that don't listen to her requests are not good people. Well my grandmother (her great-grandma) decided to sneak in a hug and even bragged to her about it. When my daughter started screaming she held her tighter saying something to the affect of, "I'm your great grandma and I want hugges and kisses." Well to the honor of my daughter I explained that when she does not wish to be touched or whatever, that she should repsect it and went on to completely explain why, not just the jist that I wrote here. Her response to me, was similar to my daughter.

Answer 1

You made your wishes known ...let it lie, instead of hurting your Grandma.  But again...I wouldn't let your daughter off the hook.  Whether she is tired or not, she needs to respect Grandma.

Answer 2

Just let it go for now.  If the same situation comes up again- bring it up to your grandma that she is not to attempt to touch her.  But chances are- older people are set in their ways and like to prove their point so she might even try it again.  

But, I'd still let it go for now; otherwise it will blow up and be even more uncomfortable.

Answer 3

my parents always made me give hugs and kisses to family before we left some place, even if i didn't want to. i don't think that really affected me at all. i don't hate seeing my family or anything. it just taught me to be respectful in social situations and not to throw fits. it was kind of a respect to my parents type thing. they taught me to respect them and in return, they respected me.

i don't think she was causing much harm. she just wanted to hug her great grand child. you talk about your grandmother respecting your daughter, i think you guys need to respect her too. what would happen if she God forbid, had a stroke or heart attack or something tomorrow and passed away....you'd be hoping you could have one more hug.

i have some issues with my grandmother but i gotta remember that. she's older than me..i need to respect her and she's not going to be around forever.

i think this is silly. you are going to not visit her because she hugged your daughter when she was over tired because she wasn't put down for a nap probably. that's not your grandmother's fault.

everyone in life isn't going to respect her every wish. a lot of people aren't. i don't know one person who has respected my every wish. and i'm glad they don't because it keeps me in check, it doesn't allow me to be this high almighty know it all. my parents don't even respect my every wish and thank god they don't. they taught me i can't always get my way.

Answer 4

You do need to be respectful of your child's space, however you also need to be respectful of your elders and teach your child that as well.  I would let it go this time.  To avoid any similar situations in the future, if you notice that your daughter is in a tired grumpy mood perhaps you should excuse yourself early or when saying your goodbyes keep your daughter close by your side so when grandma tries to steal a kiss you can step in and say, "I'm sorry, but we are not quite ourself today and she doesn't like being held or touched when in these little moods so it was good to see you again-I think we'll be on our way"  All with a pleasant smile on your face, then leave.  Eventually she will get the idea that you mean what you say, weather she is great grandma or not!

Answer 5

I have always had the same rule with my kids. But for a grandparents and especially great grandparents a kid can just be respectful and give them a hug, hot and irritated or not. My kids grandparents and great grandparents are wonderful to my kids and my kids can show respect to them buy hugging them when they see then and when we leave. There is a difference between a hug and abuse. I was abused by my grandfather and feel very strongly about my daughters not having to accept physical touch if they do not want to. But if I am standing there and it is a quick hug goodbye they do it out of respect for their grandparents. A child need to learn they do not have to accept touch but at the same time they need to learn respect for their grandparents. And come on how hard is it for them to give a quick hug. I know it really hurt my grandma if my kids did not want to hug her, at times she even scared them at the end because she called them by my name, but they did it anyway. And we talked about it and I explained what was going on with her. She was very old and some of her only happiness left was a hug from my girls.

NO ONE is alone with my girls that I even have the slightest doubt about. So these people who want the hugs I guarantee would not hurt my kids, so my kids will hug their grandparents like it or not. It does not have to be long or a kiss, but a hug yes they do.

Edit: Just wanted to add the great grandma I am referring to is not the one who was married to the grandpa who abused me. It was my other grandparents.

And my grandma later in life was actually one of the best friends I ever had.

Edit:  I do not agree that everyone who is family gets the hug. I said my kids hugs their grandparents who I trust 100%. It is only family that is an active part of our lives that I make them hug and to be an active part of my childs life I have to trust them completely so no a child molesting uncle would not be allowed to hug my child because he would not be around my child period!

Answer 6

I think for now you should just reiterate your feelings to your grandmother.... kindly let her know (again) that when your daughter doesn't want to be hugged and kissed (like most children when they are cranky) that she is NOT to force her into those actions. and let it go at that. if she starts with the 'im her great grandma' c**p then simply tell her that you would appreciate it if she would respect your (and your daughters) wishes and that if she doesn't then when there is a gathering if your daughter is in a bad mood then you just wont be able to come ...it's hard enough to handle a child in a bad mood let alone a child in a bad mood being picked at (annoyed by others). And leave it at that. If it still bothers you limit visitation with her and if you notice your daughter becoming agitated then excuse yourselves and leave.

and i don't think this is about respect. if your daughter is young and doesn't understand that stuff and if she isn't doing it to be spiteful then she should be allowed to have her own feelings. she shouldn't have to hug or kiss someone out of respect.... as long as she is not rude then do what you feel is neccessary.

Answer 7

That's tough, but I'd say you will all lose if you stop visiting over this.  I would say that you should explain again why you feel the way you do about people touching your daughter.  Explain that it has nothing to do with her, apologize (even if it's not your fault) for embarrassing her (because that's likely what happened - especially if you called her down in front of others), and move on.  She's your grandmother, your daughters great grandma, and someone who you are going to want in your life.  Good luck.

Answer 8

I wouln't force my daughter to hug anyone if she didn't want to.  So I understand exactly what you're saying.

It may be a little difficult to make grandma see your point of view though.

I would say at the moment she tried hugging her, "no grandma, just leave her.  She's upset, let's not make things worse."  Or something like that.  But I probably wouldn't make a really big deal about it.  Certainly I wouln't stop seeing my grandma.  Maybe because I love my grandma to pieces, and even though I don't always agree with her, I know she adores me and my daughter, and always means well.

Our parents and grandparents, may make mistakes with us, but so do we as parents.  They're still wonderful to have in our children's lives, even though they may make mistakes.  My fater passed away a year ago, and 2 weeks ago, so did my FIL.  It breaks my heart that my daughter won't have a granpa.

Was their behaviour always perfect? No, hardly.  But whose is?

I'm just saying, that you should make sure your child grows up the right way, the way you want.  And be there to protect her, and tell her what's right, but a great grandma is nice to have.

Unless of course, she does something harmful to your child.

In the end, you know the situation better than we do, so you know the best thing to do. You also know your grandma better than me.

Maybe explaing to her in a nice way your concerns.  She may understand.

My response is a little confusing, as I'm typing before I go to bed, and I'm very sleep deprived.  I hope it makes sense, and I hope it helps a little.

Good luck with grandma :)

Hugsxox

Answer 9

You daughter wasn't hurt and she probably forgot about it by the time you got home.  If it bothers her, then I would talk to your grandma but otherwise just let it go.  She is old and set in her ways.

Answer 10

I am sorry you feel that way!  You should respect your daughters wishes.  At the sime time however, you should teach her to respect the wishes of others.  What will it hurt for her to give an old lady a hug?  Your daughter needs to learn that her wishes aren't the only ones that matter.  To say that those who don't listen to her wishes are bad people is kind of silly.  What about when she goes to school and does not wish to sit in her seat.  Will that make her teacher a bad person for not respecting her wishes?  What if she wishes to color on the walls in your home and you tell her no, does that make you a bad person?  She needs to learn early in life that other people are important and what other people feel and think is important.  I think that you are wrong.  I understand what you are trying to do but I think that you are setting her up for a lifetime of dissapointment if she does not learn that she can't always have her way.  Please take heed to what I am saying.

Answer 11

To be honest.  I disagree with what you are teaching your child.  I mean this with all due respect and it is just my opinion, but it is the job of the parents to teach their children social skills.  When I grew up I had to say hello and goodbye to everyone in a social setting.  Sometimes I didn't like it, but my parents were not going to let me get out of it just because "I didn't feel like it."  When your child grows up and has job, she will still need to be polite and social with in her work setting even if she is having a bad day.  The process of learning how to cope with those social situations begins and a young age.  

Maybe I have misjudged the situation, but I wouldn't be so easy on you child. All in all, you you sound like very loving parents, but you are also teachers and teachers often have to be tough.