Should I press this issue w/ my fiance or am I being petty? (maybe it's the wedding/moving stress...)?

Question

My fiance's parents gave us $1K as a wedding gift. My fiance and I don't live together and don't have joint accounts yet, so he put the $ in his account, as I assumed he would do. However, he has spent almost all of the money. I found this out today. I THINK used it to pay off some bills (he has been struggling lately), but I thought he was using some $ he has saved to do that (which is what we agreed he would do). Now maybe he had more debt than he let on to me, and needed to use the $ to pay stuff.. who knows? I guess that is the point. I don't know, and he wasn't honest and it REALLY has me angry. I've been very upfront with him about my finances, and we used all of my savings for a down payment on a house. I know he didn't spent the money on stupid stuff... but he should've told me what was going on, because w/ moving expenses, etc, I was kind of counting on that gift to help us out.

Do I just suck this up and get over it? Am I being petty? Or do I tell him it is bothering me?

Answer 1

This is a big issue. It is one of the biggest issues between a wife and husband or fiances. If he is doing you like this now something is up you don't know anything about and he has not been upfront and honest with you at all. half of that money was yours anyway. I'd sure as h**l tell him how i felt if you don't find out now about his lying it will always be that way. I'm afraid you are in for some deceit in this marriage. sorry!

Answer 2

At this point he's made some serious mistakes!  You two discussed what to do with the money and how the bills would be paid and agreed on it.  Now, not only is he sneaking around with a fairly large amount of cash but he's also throwing an agreement you made together out the window on his own whim.  Regardless of whether the money was taken for a Playstation or to fix his debt problem this should be discussed with you first...if for no other reason than because it differed from previous conversation.  Forget the fact that it was your gift too and ya'll are about to marry!

Who knows what else he is hiding?  Does he have a criminal record that he forgot to mention?  A child from a past relationship?  I'm not saying your guy is purposefully lying to you but having a FULL measure of all his "baggage" is critical.  Talk with him about why you are upset and explain why he was wrong.  Then,  ask him point blank what kind of debts he's carrying around.  Make sure he knows that you aren't going to look down on him for past mistakes.  If you are still in doubt afterwards then by all means get a background check and credit history on him.  They can be easily obtained online or the information will be available from when you bought the house.  From there you can go together and speak with a credit counselor or an attorney.  Without knowing the scope of his debt I can't tell you for sure but declaring bankruptcy is probably an option.  If that's the case it must be done BEFORE you get married to get the most benefit and should be done ASAP.  (My fiancee had to do it from when he was sick)

I hope your name is the only one on the deed since you paid all the down payment AND because if you end up in Bankruptcy court you definately don't want that being considered as one of his assets when they determine how broke he really is.  They could demand that you get rid of it to pay the debts.  (again, depends on where you are filing and how bad it is)

You two also need to decide who's gonna be in charge of the finances once the marriage takes place.  I suggest you have four bank accounts (I know it seems like alot but trust me).  

1.  Two accounts each with in your own names.  Into this account you put your "allowances".  It helps because it's obvious when your extra spending money is running low AND because when you want to save up to buy each other a gift you can.  It also keeps you from knowing exactly how much he/she paid for your special Christmas.

2.  A joint account with both your names on it.  This is so you can have your paychecks deposited and the person in charge can withdraw the household funds to pay bills, transfer the "allowances",  savings, etc. without problems.

3.  A savings account.  You can put both your names or just the person in charge of the finances.

Answer 3

Ask him what he spent it on. Either he's honest or he's not. If you believe him then drop it. If you don't the sounds like you might have a bigger finance problem that you thought.

Answer 4

You are not being petty.  Being open an honest about finances is very important.  Money is the reason for most breakups, stress and fights within a relationship.

First I would suggest to sit down and talk calmly about the finances.  To me it sounds like you are more angry that he wasn't honest with you, than you are that he spent most of the money.  I can relate because that is exactly how I would feel.

Let him know that is how you feel.  If he is struggling that much with debt and finances put your heads together and see how you can fix it together.  After all once you are married you will need to communicate about these types of things so why not start now?

If you need more help, then I would suggest to check out www.daveramsey.com.  Dave Ramsey is a financial advisor that gives free financial advice every night on the Fox Business News channel.  He also has a radio talk show in teh early afternoon.  He is not selling anything.  He gives real honest advice.

Because of Dave Ramsey my husband and I are out of debt and we are relieved of soooo much stress!  His system for getting out of debt really works.  He has a few books out that you can find at any book store and they are very helpful!

I hope it all works out for you!

Good luck!

Answer 5

I don't think you are being petty at all.  Finances are absolutely something you need to discuss as a couple.  Remember, his debt becomes your debt once you are married.  You need to know all of it ASAP.  And, that money was given to both of you as a "wedding" gift, so you have every right to be upset that he used that money for something else without discussing it with you.

Answer 6

You are not being petty. You have every right to to know what kind of situation you are getting yourself into, and he had no right to spend the monetary gift his parents gave the two of you without first discussing it with you.

It's time to sit down and have a serious conversation.

Answer 7

I'd be annoyed too. BUT this should be a HUGE signal for you about how your future husband deals with finance problems. The fact that he lied and used a gift that was for the both of you, is not ok! He should have been honest from the get go. Please, sit down with him and have a talk about money. That is one of the top reasons why couples divorce and though I'm not married, I've been with the same guy for 6 years and money has almost broken us apart..  He may not think it's a big deal, because his parents gave it to you, but neither do you want him to think that he can just do what he wants with money.  The talk with be uncomfortable, but it's needed.

Do this now before you get married.. SERIOUSLY!

Answer 8

Time to start acting like a couple and discuss things, which he seems to have forgotten.....so you talk to him.

Answer 9

No, you're not being petty.  Lying about money is pretty serious.  When you're married, I'd definitely keep a separate checking account in your own name - he's not reliable with money or up-front with you about it, so you need to protect yourself.  If you decide to still marry him, that is.

Answer 10

no u are not being petty but i ahve leaned this over 11 years in a marriage men cant hold on to money ... let it go this time and always tuck some cash back that he dont know about a nest egg so to speak

Answer 11

Well if you are moving in and getting married then if something is bothering you no matter how petty and small you may feel it be you should talk to him about it. However personally I don't think this is small. If you are starting a life together its very important you share important things such as finances with each other because how are you to know about what money is going where. For your own safety as silly as that sounds you should speak to him about this. If he is in serious debt it could be a problem you both need to sit down and talk about, maybe he feels embarrassed that could be why he didn't speak to you about it. Debt isn't somebody anybody likes to admit they have, specially to the person they love and want to spend there life with. Just let him know your behind him no matter how bad things are and that he should know he can discuss this with you! Don't be calm be rational about it. After all he probably did this to save you the worry. Good luck with everything x