Should I "pursue" my daughter's biological parents?

Question

My daughter (2.5) was adopted through an open adoption. We met both parents and talked several times both pre and post birth. We exchanged personal information - last names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. At the time, they had said they wanted to continue to get pictures, letters, etc.

About 3 months after K's birth, they stopped corresponding with us. We continued to send photos and letters, but when K was about 15 months old, we decided that the fact that we hadn't heard from them probably meant that for whatever reason, they didn't want the same frequency of contact. We decided to reduce contact to the amounts both sides had originally agreed upon. (We had been sending stuff more frequently.)

This meant that the next scheduled correspondence was around K's 2nd birthday. I sent a long letter and a photo album (~300 photos) to them, and it was eventually returned to us, forwarding address expired. The new address was available on the post office's returned label, though.

Our address and phone number have stayed the same, and in fact, we have maintained the toll-free number we set up for them to be able to call us on. They did not let us or the agency know that they had moved. I'm thinking that they have chosen to move on with their lives and for now, at least, don't want to hear from us. I don't want to keep pushing K in their face if they don't want it, but I don't want them to perceive US as having broken faith with them.

I will say that I know they were criticized by people in their family and community because of the adoption, and they did not fit most people's stereotypes of people who "should" do it. I would explain more, but I want to maintain their privacy as fully as possible.

So, the bottom line is that we haven't heard anything from them in about 2 years, and they have moved without giving us the forwarding info. I have the info, but it's from the post office, not from them or from the agency. Do I mail them photos and letters, or not? (My inclination has been not, but I still feel uncomfortable about that.)

Answer 1

Perhaps you should right them one letter explaining to them that you realized that all of their info has changed and that they haven't remained in touch and that if they are still interested you could send them pictures and stuff of you daughter. Tell them that if they decide hearing from your family is not what they want right now then that is perfectly alright. Don't pressure them or convince them. If you loose touch it isn't the worst thing in the world but it shouldn't happen because of being hesitant. I mean you should think about whether or not pursuing these people would be the better thing for your daughter in the long-run.

Answer 2

I've give it one more go.  Send them just a few (not 300) photos of her and a little more info. Tell them you haven't heard from them, and give your address and phone numbers again. Tell them they are welcome to contact you as always, but you won't keep up the contact not knowing how they feel about it.  Then, just keep enjoying your little one!

Answer 3

It sounds like they prefer to break the communication that the two families have had. If I were you, I don't think I would try to get in touch with them (and don't feel guilty about not pursuing them).

Answer 4

I would send them another letter asking them to just let you know how much contact they want from you at this point.  Let them know that you understand the difficulties they had with the adoption and that you don't have bad feelings either way (which hopefully is true) but that you just want to be sure of what they want.  Hopefully they will respond and let you know either way, and you can also let them know that the door will be open in the future for increased contact should their situation change.  I'm sure both parties have strong feelings regarding the adoption and letting them know that you don't think they should feel guilty for not wanting contact right now may help, and put you at ease not having to worry that they have bad feelings towards you.  

Answer 5

I would do what is in your child's best interest. I would think about the day she turns 12-16 and wants to know what you did regarding her adoption...and what you didn't do. While this isn't remotely your fault and it is kind of 'pushing' on your part, I would think that if my mom hadn't pushed to keep me in contact with my first mom, then that would sadden me. I think you should do everything within your power to remain in contact with them.

Answer 6

Your effort proves that you have maintain contact. However, if I were the birth parent,  I would be overwhelmed and possibly guilt ridden to receive 300 photos and letters about a child I put up for adoption.  That's just me.

Why not keep it simple this time.   Send a card with a single photo of the child. You'll save in postage should it return.  Sometimes a mere image is all that need to be said (A picture is worth a thousand words.)   You still will be doing your part.   If the birth parent want more, they will call you or they know where to find you.    

Answer 7

My adoptive parents were always in contact with my biological mom. They sent her photos every year along with a letter explaining them, but only about 10, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on what events I had done that year (school plays, etc).

Maybe you could upload the photos to photobucket and share them with the biological mom. That way she could look if she wants to, but doesn't have to.  

Answer 8

Well they clearly don’t want any contact. Very sad people always get on AP if they don’t stay true to their open adoption agreements. Yet most will give the natural parents a free ride.  No I would not mail them anything they clearly do not want it. If you have not moved then they can contact you if and when they want to. If you ever do move I would just try to get your new whereabouts to them. I would not continue to send them things even more if they just return them, it could also be looked at as harassment.

You might send them a short letter with a photo or two and just tell them if they ever want to start contact back up the door will be open.

Answer 9

maybe send them a letter saying how you feel and give them a few photos and ask if they want to remain in contact.

This way you will no for sure,

hope this helps!

Answer 10

Perhaps them moving away from the criticism will help. I would use the address you have and send a short note explaining your concerns and remind them that the door will always be open. I would also include a recent picture because I'm sure they still appreciate them.

Levels of open adoption can change from time to time. Just reassure them that you intend to honor it .

eta: If anything remind them how important this will be to your child one day. The future is sometimes hard to imagine. This mother may someday appreciate your continued attempts to stay in contact. If she doesn't already.

eta2: 300 photos sounds a bit overwhelming to me. Perhaps a few photos of your child with a brief history of milestones. Suggest exchanging email addresses and communicate that way.

PS...I had to giggle about the toll-free number. We still have ours after 11 years but don't need to use it. You need to keep yours.

Answer 11

i think you should not do that.  

Answer 12

Dear Jennifer,

It is so wonderful to hear of aparents who keep up their end of open adoptions:)

I went thru the exact same thing.  I worried too.  Then i thought they didn't have to open the envelope, if it hurt too much to look at the photos.  It was also better for my child if we knew where they were and i couldn't live with the guilt of not keeping my word.  So i continued to mail and six years later she called me and thanked me for all the photos thru the years.

I would send photos and a note to the new address.  Good luck to you:)

Answer 13

As a birthmother (in a fully open adoption) I can very much understand why they have pulled back. As a birthparent you think that as time passes it will get easier. It doesn't for a long while, and if you don't deal with what's going on in your heart and head you will never start to heal. My birth son is almost seven. I saw him today and afterwards it still leaves me with the blues.

It is bittersweet to have the opportunity to watch your child grow up with somebody else being their mom and dad. Even though I have never regretted my decision, I regret the fact that adoption was the best choice I could make for him.

I think that if they truly wanted no contact then they would have said something. I don't believe that their moving without contacting you was their way of saying 'no more'. When you are the birth parent you don't feel very significant no matter how included you are. The amazing people that are my son's mom and dad had to 'chase' me. Although not quite to the length you are talking about.

Don't give up on them. Send them a letter telling them your reasons for wanting them to be a part of K's life. Don't make it about how they have blessed you. Make it about how they will bless K by her knowing them. 300 pictures may be a little much. Send them a few that show off her personality. A few where they can look at her and say, "She has my eyes". It will help them feel connected, at least a little.

In your letter I think it would help you if you asked them to contact you if they do not want updates. I take it that they have never sent anything back? I think that says something as well.

You are in a tricky situation, but I think it's awesome that this matters so much to you. Don't give up on them. They are trying to figure out how to move forward with a hole in their hearts.

Answer 14

I think it's wonderful that you are doing such due diligence in keeping your end of the adoption open.

My suggestion, keep sending everything you agreed upon: unless you hear it from their lips to stop sending photos or letters and cease all contact, I would assume that your original agreement was still in place.