Should I refer to my step daughter as my daughter or step daughter?

Question

I have two daughters 19 and 17 I have remarried to a man that has a daughter that is 11. We have been together for 5 years married for two of those. He has sole custody of his daughter and she lives with us. She may see her bio mother once a year and may speak with her on the phone once a month. She lives in another city and does not help in any way with this child. I have been with her since she was 5 years old. See calls me mommy, but my question is since she does have contact with her bio mother should she call me mommy and should I refer to her as my daughter and not call her my step daughter? When we are out, I feel bad when I have all the girls with me saying these are my daughters and this is my step daughter.

Answer 1

Call her your daughter.  If she looks to you as mom then you are her mom and it puts her as the "outsider" if you make a point of saying she is the step-daughter and can (from what my exstepdaughter told me) make her feel like you aren't really wanting her and don't want her as your daughter.  I would just introduce her as one of your Daughters.  You just say "these are my daughters" and leave it at that so you don't single out your poor step-daughter.  

Answer 2

quite possibly they all were given names at birth in which people chose what they should be referred to as.....

maybe you should give that a go see how it works for you  

Answer 3

I'd like to think that if she calls you mommy it's her way of saying she's accepted you as her mom, but still in all given respect (since she is 11) I'd ask her what her preference is, showing her you respect her.  I think it was best said on The Brady Bunch show that  the only steps in a family should be on the stairs. I'm kinda corny that way though, still ask her what she thinks on the matter and then call her what she likes, it is her choice in the matter. Good luck sweetie

Answer 4

You should ask her what she would like to be called and what is more comfortable for her. Maybe try telling her how you feel and you would like to call her. She is old enough to discuss something like that. Good luck!

Answer 5

If you call her "step-daughter" while calling your bio-kids "daughters" when you are with all of them, you are placing an unnecessary distance between yourself and your own kids, and the child who is your daughter by marriage.

Please (kindly) refer to them all as your "daughters".  Perhaps it would feel more natural and more truthful if you simply introduced them all as "my girls" ?  

Regarding what she should call you ... if it's OK with you, let her decide.  If she loves you enough to call you "Mom" or "Mommy" ... then don't you feel it's only right and fair to call her your daughter?

Answer 6

ask her how she feels about it. If she calls you mommy then I think it may hurt her feelings for you to call her step-daughter...also if you have the girls with you I would just refer to them all as your daughters...:)

Answer 7

seeing as she refers to you as "mommy" i would refer to her as your daughter.

My step daughter was living with us from the age of 7 until 13 (she moved back to her mother just a few months ago) She always called me by my 1st name, She saw her mother at least twice per week though. If we were out and she saw school friends and they said "oh your mother" etc she'd tell them i was her step mother. I was fine by that as she loves her mother very much.........Depending on the circumstance depended on how i refered to her. Taking her for a haircut i made appointment for "my daughter" going for meals etc i was out with my daughters  not  daughters and step daughter.  Her school knew to  ask for **** step mother when they phoned (her dad would be working)..

that's what worked in our situation, but yours is way different

Answer 8

I think if you've been her mother-figure for that long and she feels comfortable enough with you to call you her mother, then you should refer to her as your daughter. Unless of course, you feel uncomforable doing that.  

Answer 9

The two of you have worked hard on this relationship with each other, choosing to be in each other's lives, not just accepting what biology brought your way.  You both deserve the honor of the 'step' prefix in your titles.  Wear it with pride!  

And, even though her mother is not actively in her life, she and, more importantly, your stepdaughter, need to know that you honor their relationship.  One of the best ways to do this is to let them have the titles 'mother' (or mom, mommy, mama) & 'daughter' for themselves.  Those are the proper names for their roles in each other's lives.

When people ask me how many kids I have, I always count my stepdaughter in the number.  But, when they ask me who each person is, I always call my husband's daughter my stepdaughter.  That is what she is.  The title properly names how we are related to each other, but it does not define our relationship.  That is defined in how we treat each other & act in each other's lives, every day.  

Let your stepdaughter know that you think your relationship with her is something special, unique & to be celebrated.  Call it what it is, because that is a beautiful thing.  

Answer 10

Ask her how she feels about it.  At 11, surely she has an opinion on the matter.

But as a gut feeling, I mislike the idea of singling out children by saying "step" child or "adopted" child.  

Answer 11

if she calls you mommy,  she must think of you as her mother.

i see no need to call her your stepdaughter because you have been raising her as your own.

she might feel hurt if you introduce her as your stepdaughter when its obvious she regards you as her "mommy"

i see no need to get into specifics when introducing them to people...

unless you want to open up to every person about your marital status and who's whose. you're a family now  

you may want to refer to them lovingly as "my girls"...

  

Answer 12

My hubby refers to my kids as his son and daughters!  That's how he thinks of them so thats what he calls them!