Should I return to the US to stay away from my husband for a while, because of our pathetic marriage?

Question

I have been married for 3 years and my husband and I lived in the US since our marriage until we returned to our home country 8 months ago. I was very against returning back to India at that time. But I reluctantly agreed owing to my husband's insistence.

My husband and I have had great bitterness in our marriage owing to the fact that I donot get along with his parents.

When we returned from the US, my husband had promised me that we are going to live on our own and not with his parents. But after we came here, my husband totally turned around and insisted that he always meant for us to stay with them, and only told me otherwise, so that I wouldn't throw a tantrum and that he wouldn't be able to manage it.

I was totally shattered by this and more than the fact of staying with his parents, it was the act of deception from the person whom I love the most in life.

But eventually we did make a separate house for ourselves, but every single day is marked by gloom in our lives. My husband neglects me and denies me my role of his wife, just because he cannot come to terms that we are living away frorm his parents. There is no communication betwen us. I beg and plead with him to show me some concern and care. He says he loves me but there is nothing that I can feel or see. All we talk is peripheral things and it is like living on egg-shells throughout.

I am devastated. I am 30 and my whole life has fallen apart. There is no way that I see anything changing. he is always going to accuse me of separating me from his parents.

All I asked is for some independence and room for my individuality. Is that such a big crime?

I know, in India, taking care of parents is a big thing. I am never saying that we shouldn't care for them. He says if you have to care, it can only happen when u under the same roof.

I love him very much and I have been crying every single day for the last 8 months because of this situation.

The reason I donot get along with his parents is because is mom is a two-timer. She does one thing in front and does the opposite behind our backs. She goes around the whole town bad-mouthing me and depicting a bad picture of me to all and sundry. She has been the main cause of rift between my husband and I. My husband blindly trusts his parents and accuses me of all wrong-doings. They are culturally and intellectually very inadequate and I find it very difficult to take all the nonsense that they do.

They create situations to trap me and belittle me in front my husband and act innocent in front of him.

I am an educated person and have a good job. I come from a good family and I sure deserve to be treated much better(like any person in this world). How long do I have to take this?

I know my husband loves me too. We indeed have had great fun together early in our marriage. But doesnt love include standing by one's wife and supporting her feelings. My husband never accepts if I say his parents are not doing the right thing by messing up my life. For his, they are always God-like!!

He has abused my parents because my parents stood by me when his mom accused me of some nonsense.

I have tried very patiently all this while. But every single daqy has become a struggle.

Although I love him more than my life, I am now beginning to think if I should go back to the US and start working there atleast for a while until my husband sees things correctly.

Can you all please help me make a decision here? I am going to miss him terribly, but should I give up my self-esteem and basic dignity to save my marriage?

I have aready lost a great deal- my nice job in the US, my health(I am terribly suffering from ill-health), my confidence, my interest in life and its been ages since I even smiled.

I so badly wanted to have a baby, but I dont think i should bring another life into this sad state of affairs.

But divorce is a big thing in india. It is a social stigma. Not sure if I can overcome all of it.

I am totally lost.

Should I for the time being atleast come to the US?

Please help me

Answer 1

Your husband is not going to change.  Your in-laws are not going to change.  Are they worth your health, integrity and happiness? No one is.  The sooner you get back to the US and begin a new life the better off you'll be.  Otherwise you'll remain in India withering away little by little until it's too late.  Get out while you still can.

Answer 2

I am not in as bad a situation but I am having trouble in my marriage too.  I was a very self confident and independant woman before my marriage and now I feel that I am losing this and I feel I am becoming lost.  I think it is a very wise idea to go back to the States, you need some time to think and to regroup.  To remember who you are and what you really want in life.  Some time apart will help you heal, physically and emotionally and it might also help your husband see what he really wants in his life.  Make sure when you are in the States that you make time for yourself, whether you go on long walks to think about things, or you write about your feelings in a journal or if you go to a counseller.

  I know how difficult it is to struggle with the duty to your husband and being a good and supportive wife who is supposed to struggle through the bad times, and struggle with the idea of divorce and the stigma of it.  On one side you love your husband so much, me I feel like a divorce would be a failure, and I should just stick it out and it will get better and that "For better or for worse".  But in other times I think, how many years will I be unhappy for?

  Go to the States, remember who you are and what you want with your life, and find your self confidence and your independance again.  If you decide you want to fix things with your husband, then you will have found the strength again to do so.  Don't give up.  And never let anyone make you feel inferior.

Answer 3

It I was in your situation, I would divorce him in a heartbeat! You have no life with him as it is, if he treats you the way he does. You have already lost so much and it's going to get worse, before it ever gets better. Just think of it this way! Would you rather spend the rest of your life living the way you do now, of would you rather leave, and be able to go out and find someone who will treat you with love, and respect , the way  you deserve to be treated? Unfortunately, that is a decision that you have to make. No one can make it for you! It's just all a matter of how you want to spend the rest of your life!

Answer 4

Hello.First of all I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through, I know its a very sad state sply cause it comes from someone you love and trust so much.Have been through this whole episode and can tell you a lot of women from India still do cause our culture supports joint families and ignores the practical aspects of space and dignity for a women.

I would recommend you taking up a job seriously - cause that will give you a financial independence and also keep you busy from a lot of Home politics and issues that might trouble you on a day to day basis....Built that self esteem back by investing in yourself and your career etc- if you have been in this miserable state for the last so many months I would recommend step out on your own - see if this gives your husband a chance to discuss his priorities ....alternatively have you considered some counselling etc -cause he definitely doesnt put you first and forces decisions like a lot of Indian men do .Remember one rule women who are a little firm get more respect than the ones who beg and cry for love ...so another advise that I will give you is stop crying and begging his attention...Start acting on getting what makes you comfortable -if its hard living with his parents-can u consider alternatives like living a little close by etc...if nuthing then move out -and then don't fight with your husband about his decision etc....if he is a sensible guy he will get his priorities right ....and it will also give you a little time to get your focus...So act assertive and not timid for a while.

And yes I want to let you know that you do have reasonable demands as a wife and you should never put your self esteem before anything cause it will just lead to further problems with your health and emotional state.

Answer 5

you do not want to be in your in-laws house to live, this i understand, but he does not... he doesn't believe you, his love of family comes before you, and thats sad... it might be helpful for you to move away and see if you both feel differently later on... if you are REALLY meant to be together, the seperation will help you decide... if you arent meant to be together, the seperation will help you realize that also

good luck