Should I say anything to my dad? or should I keep quiet....

Question

Basically, after ten years together my dad had an affair and my parents broke up five years ago..

i've maintained a good relationship with my dad, and was pleased to accept an invitation to be his bridesmaid now he is remarrying..

however, each year with school uniforms, college equipment etc they have taken it in turns, one year my mother buys for me, and he for my brother, then they swap.

when my mum text him and said how would he like to work it this year, she knows the weddding is going to be expensive, but would he please be able to contritube as she is struggling, my dads new wife messaged her back, sayin they would not be putting anything towards uniforms this year, but if my mother wanted them to give my exam rewards money towards it instead of giving it to me they would, because they don't have any spare money

we were both really annoyed, because last weekend when me and his new wife went to town she bought herself a £150 dress, plus clothes for their £6500 honey moon, i'm also pretty sure they have put aside plenty of money for her sons school uniform this year too.

am i just being spoilt? Do i voice how i'm feeling or keep it to myself, its niggling at me though, but this is their wedding weekend and i dont want to ruin it, though i wont see them until late september now.

Answer 1

Tell your dad

Answer 2

You need to talk to your Dad to see if he has the same idea of not helping.  He may or may not have agreed to that at all.  She is not the one to decide this, it is up to your Dad.

If it is written in the divorce degree for him to help, then he has to help of be in contempt of court!

It is understandable that you would be hurt and concerned about this.

Answer 3

I don't think there is much you can do without causing problems.  Have you thought of babysitting for extra money.  After all, she deserves a nice wedding and honeymoon and it seems like your father has made the wedding a priority.  Have you spoken to your father about this.  Is it his turn to pay for uniforms?  If it isn't then I guess your mother should try to come up with the money somehow.  Sell some stuff on ebay maybe?

ETA:  Why isn't he paying maintenance!!??? That's absurd!!  Both your dad AND your mom should be pursuing that for you.  That is YOUR money and it should be put towards a savings for you or for your education!!!  Tell your mother to tell him she will take him to court and that he needs to start paying.  If she DOES take him to court he will have so much back child support to pay, that'll scare him.  She needs to tell him to control his new wife and tell her to butt out and he needs take care of his primary responsibilty - his CHILD!

Answer 4

I THINK I WOULD WRITE DAD A NICE LITTLE NOTE N PUT IN IT HOW YOU FEEL N WHAT SHE SAID,,AND PUT THE NOTE IN HIS POCKET N TELL HIM TO READ  IT AFTER HE GETS MARRIED AND CALL U WHEN HE GETS A CHANCE..HE MAY NOT NO SHE SAID WHAT SHE DID OR HE MAY NOT REALLY HAVE THE MONEY CAUSE OF HER SPENDING,,GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO GET BACK TO YOU..PEACE

Answer 5

Weddings are so hectic... so for now I would say nothing to your Dad.

Let them go and get married and have their honeymoon.

On his return, then you can have a word with him about this.  Admit you were a bit upset with him but didn't want to bother him so close to the wedding.  By doing that, you are trying to be adult about it and hopefully then your Dad will understand and make up for that financially to your Mum.

Answer 6

Your father has got off very lucky so far. By rights he SHOULD  be paying maintenance. Tell your mother to get a good lawyer and go after him through the courts.  

Answer 7

First of all, the new wife shouldn't be texting the mother of his children.  It seems as if you have had a good relationship in the past with your father.I am thinking you must be a teen so I think it would be ok for you to have a private conversation with your father.  Tell him that you will understand if he just doesn't have the funds right now. If he really doesn't have the funds I am sure he must feel very guilty. You might have to accept the fact he is broke right now and probably nothing to be done for this session  But that in the future you would like to have that discussion with him and not the step mother. You know, he may not even know she texted your mom.  Explain that you and you mother need to know how much you can depend on him for school supplies so that you can plan on how and where to get these funds. Suggest that next year he could get a few things at a time in advance. Next year you can also watch for sales.  I think that is reasonable.  Also, consider this.  Your father loves you.  None of this is your fault.  You will always be his little girl.  The new wife may or may not always be his wife.  Don't let school supplies ruin an opportunity for a relationship with your dad.  I think if you approach it this way you won't sound like a spoiled little brat but rather a mature you woman who is understanding and concerned about your education.   Hopes this helps so.  It's a difficult thing to blend families together.  Give it some time.    I just read your additional details.  The financial end of the divorce is something between your mom and dad.  The amount of money your father sends does not equal how great you father loves you and you should not compare that. Yes, he should pay but you love him regardless of wether he is rich or poor.  

Answer 8

print this letter off and send it to your father

Answer 9

It sounds to me like your dad has pushed you aside for his new honey.  Unfortunately, this happens a lot to kids from prior marriages so there isn't much you can do on your own.

Was this your mother's year to pay for uniforms, or you father's?  If it was your mother's then drop this immediately.  Do nothing.  Your mother will have to find a way to provide for you.  

If this was your father's turn, you need to talk to him.  ALONE.  He doesn't need his honey with him to make financial decisions for his children.  You need to tell your father that you are happy that he has found someone, but you feel that you and your brother are suffering because of his relationship.  Explain that every year he has worked cordially with your mother on providing for you two and you don't understand why now he cannot.  If money is tight then perhaps he can still work with your mother on splitting the cost.  Let him know that you were disappointed when your future step-mother told your mother they couldn't afford your school uniforms but she was able to afford a new expensive wardrobe for herself only days later.  If he tells you their finances are none of your business, calmly remind him that YOU are his business.

If he refuses to pay for your uniforms (and your brother's), I would seriously reconsider taking part in his lavish wedding.  After all, it is a symbol of everything they have taken from your family.

Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 10

Firstly, be happy for your dad being happy. He has contributed to your upbringing financially, but more importantly has given you his time, attention and love over the years, and you can't put a price on that.

"Exam rewards" are not a necessity, unlike your uniform etc. He is still contributing but the money he put aside for you should be used in a less frivolous way. Weddings cost a lot of money, many thousands of pounds even for the most basic wedding. Remember her son is likely to use up more of their money than you do, because he lives with them and needs constantly feeding and clothing etc.

Could you contemplate your own wedding not being an occasion to remember?

Regarding maintenance, you are clearly in the UK, and your parents agreement is not valid. The Child Support Agency, launched in 1993, took the matter of child maintenance out of the jurisdiction of the family courts, and a formula was agreed. This government department now is responsible for enforcing it, and often it acts even against the wishes of the mother. Somehow he slipped through the system.

People slipping through the net is one of its failings, and one of the reasons why its abolition has been mooted for years. Another reason is unreasonable demands on parents with second families, and the state poking its nose into private matters.

For what its worth I also give my ex nothing, but that does not mean I give my daughter nothing. I buy her clothes etc, feed her, take her out, save money for her, but not one penny goes to her mother for the simple reason I know giving it to her means I may as well go and take it to the local pub and open her an account.

Another failing of the CSA is that single mothers living on benefit gain not a penny, because the DSS deducts whatever the CSA award, and it punishes the father and his family, if he has one, and seems to apportion blame for relationship breakdown almost exclusively at the door of fathers.

I didn't asked to be dumped shortly after becoming a father, and I will be buggered if I am going to support the ex's social life and phone bills for 16 years. Over my dead body.

Answer 11

Talk to your dad and see if he can help out...

Answer 12

I think the new step mom to be is sticking her nose where it don't belong. But it is up to your mother to handle it.He still has an obligation to you for your education.

Answer 13

keep quiet

Answer 14

You should call your Dad and tell him that you don't know what your Mom is going to do, because she doesnt have enough money for the uniforms.

Then tell him how you enjoyed last weekend and how you loved the new dress she(futrue mother in law) bought, and if you can, throw in the amount it cost.  And tell him you hope thier honeymoon turns out great.

Tell him in a way that makes it less obvious.

But if he doesnt get the picture then give up.

And when you grow up REMEMBER who took care or you and who didn't.  YOur loving MOM....honestly this is how most kids get treated once thier DAD remarries...they get treated like a stepchild. Sickens me!