Should I stay with my boyfriend?

Question

My boyfriend and I are both twenty-three years old. He has finished his degree and I am in the process of applying to grad-school. We have been together for several years, and I love him very much.

A problem recently arose, however, when I had an accidental pregnancy-scare. Before taking a test, I told my boyfriend of my concerns. His immediate response was that I should get an abortion if I was pregnant. I disagreed, as I feel that even though a child would be an unexpected challenge, I would be capable of caring for it and therefore an abortion would be irresponsible. My boyfriend became very angry when I said this, and told me that it "would ruin his life" if I had the baby.

The test turned out negative, for which I am relieved. However, my boyfriend's reaction has left me wondering. He refuses to move in with me, to talk about our future, marriage, or having a family. He becomes angry when I bring up any of these topics, saying that he only wants me and that should be good enough for right now.

I want to be married and have a baby before I'm thirty. This is important to me. I'm afraid that if we stay together I'm going to be strung along until I realize that those dreams aren't going to go as planned. I know I'm still young, but I'd rather know now than later.

What do you guys think I should do?

Answer 1

First I think you should take a good look at what is good for you. You can love someone deeply and feel great around someone and still have them not be the best person for you. At this point in your life you should be considering what person would make the best partner to stand by you and have similar dreams. While it’s not like you are locked into marrying your current boyfriend if marriage and children are a dream of yours I believe (and this is, of course, opinion) that someone you are with should be wanting the same things, at least sometime in the future with ‘somebody’.

Before you drop him like hot lead however, try to have a calm conversation with him about how much these things mean to you. Tell him that you really think/feel that you should at least be able to talk about it. Avoid pressures like ‘us’ ‘we’ and ‘when’ when talking about the subject just so he doesn’t automatically assume that you are referring to him only and in specific and that you are expecting these things. (even if you are. Avoiding triggers is just a good way to have a conversation on sensitive matters) If he, flat out, cannot even have this conversation with you then it could be a sign of a real problem with conflicting ideas for the future.

It might just be that you will have to cut your losses and let him go so you can find someone more willing to be a part of your future.

Answer 2

date him

Answer 3

I think that if ever you do accidentally get pregnant he might run off and you will be left alone.  The answer is simple. Find someone else that is right for you and will alway be there for you!

Hope you find that special someone!

Peace

Answer 4

This is the kind of thing i am going through and i said this 2 him a few times I will speak what is on my mind 2 him...at times...but I think we should be with guys who want the things we want not because they have 2 Marry us or Get us pregnant..he should want 2 want 2 have those things. If your man doesn't want 2 talk about those kind of things right now its either he isn't ready 4 that or he would just rather be with u like this 4ever without getting married or ever having kids.

Answer 5

He obviously wants to finish school, get a job and establish a life before having kids, if he ever wants kids.

So if you are working on a deadline, then maybe you need to find a guy who also has a deadline for kids.

Answer 6

You need to find someone more like you. He sounds like a f*g. I would find a good person who understands how you feel about the abortions and stuff. But good choice don't get an abortion.  

Answer 7

There is an obvious commitment problem here. I have some friends - two couples, actually - who are going through the same thing.

Just think about it like this. People cannot be changed. Something in his personality that you do not like now... Will only get much worse as time goes on. He should respect you and your choices. I would advise you to use condoms and birth control as strictly as you can if you plan on staying with him. I would hate to be in your shoes.

Are you on the same page? Do you have the same goals? This is what I ask my friends all the time, and they tell me they just don't know anymore. You are young. The more years you stay with this guy, and if perhaps it doesn't work out, the more time you have wasted trying to find someone who will respect you and care about you and your child. I wish you all the best, but only you can answer this question.

Answer 8

Find another guy then.

Answer 9

tell him that you want to have a family and that if he dosent want you your going to find someone else

Answer 10

ifyou have been with him for so long, you need to get that out of him. he might just be scared of the future and scared for the responsibility. He is just happy with the way things are going right now and might not be good with change. i say give him a shot. make him feel comfortable about the whole topic and if that doesn't work, then move on. its easier said than done but you have to do what is best for you!

Answer 11

no...date me

Answer 12

I think that you are 23 now and 30 is 7 years away,  so do not worry about babies, marriages..go to grad school and finish...because your relationship is fine, do not mess with it...time will Tell if he is the one, and if not dump him then..  right now with trying to get into grad school you do not need the add stress of not having a boyfriend or kids for that matter...

Answer 13

the worst thing you can do is waste your youth on this person. even though you love him you are fortunate enough to know what you want in your life at this age if he is not ready and you are you need to move on. what you dont want however is to have a child with a person who doesnt want a child. good luck.

Answer 14

give it some time...he just finished collage and u are starting...u both need to get things situated before u talk about a family...just give it some time he should come around

Answer 15

I think maybe you should talk to him about your issues/concerns. and if he gets upset, then obviously he doesnt want what you want, and you'll find out whether you should be with him or not.  :) hope everything turns out okay.

Answer 16

That is a hard one.  I mean, you have many many many many years before you are thirty, and life doesn't go as planned most of the time (I'm a 29 year old that thought much like you when I was 23!!!).  But, I've also heard the sob stories of girls reaching 30--with years invested in their boyfriend--only to have him decide that he doesn't want marriage or children (& those types eventually end up waiting 'til they are like 40 to have a kid, usually with a woman that already has kids!!! and is divorced).  I'm rambling.

But, I feel your pain.  I'm in a similar situation --- but a lot older than you.

You should gently ask your boyfriend if he ever sees himself having children, like in the future.  

Don't be abrasive, just ask because you are wondering.

(And try not to cry!!!)

Ask him if he thinks he wants to get married in the next 5 years or so.

You gotta ask the hard questions (it sucks, I know!!!).

But, you are young enough to get out now if he doesn't want what you want.  And find a boyfriend that wants to have a family-future with you.

It is better to know now rather than later.

Sometimes, people just want different things.

Answer 17

let me just tell you, college is where you meet the most people or possible husbands. I would part ways (it will be hard)and start dating again, go to grad school and move on with your life and dreams. I have never met a man that didn't wanna move in with the girl he loves. he obviously "has a good thing FOR NOW" and will be moving on in a couple of years.

I would wait until at least 25 yrs old before talking marriage and babies to any guy.

And, if he really loves you, he would have said "we will make it work." But just be glad the test came back negative.  Mr. right is out there. just think of all the guys you thought were mr. right until the next one came along...and yes, you will know with out a doubt when he does. trust me.

Answer 18

to be honest he doesn't seem to want to move out of where you are now. some guys get way too comfortable with the way things are in a relationship and HATE change. you really need to figure this out on your own this is your life and future and you shoudln't be asking us we dont really know you. my advice is to (and i know this is gonna sound cliche) but listen to your heart. you need to do this for you its well and good caring for another person but dont leave yourself out do whats right for you. hope i helped:)