Question:

Should I still talk to my dad?

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My dad is a self-made man who is pretty rich. I have never lived with him since he divorced my mother (leaving us with absolutely NOTHING despite the fact that she was pregnant and had a five-year-old) before I was born and he didn’t come to the hospital to see me when I was born or take much interest. However, he has slowly developed a mental illness (I don’t personally know what it is since my mum doesn’t know and I’m not up for asking him or my step-mum) which I only really knew about after he tried to commit suicide on Christmas day when I was twelve. I wasn’t there, I don’t know the details and I’m not going to claim I’m particularly ‘messed up’ from it (not to sound harsh or anything).

Ever since then he has been pretty weird with me. When I was younger I would go round his house every other weekend and we’d barely talk or even see each other. I’ve known him all of my life but neither of us knows each other at all- he never particularly cared. He knows that he is ill but he takes his medication until he decides that he feels better and then comes off of it straight away, which obviously leads to another decline until he does something weird again like disappearing to France for a week without telling anyone, or locking himself away.

He has five children- my older sister and I by my mother and three young children by his wife now- but he has told me to my face that he didn’t want any of us, particularly me. In front of old friends he called my younger brother his ‘first child’. I suffered from severe depression over several years in my early teens and he thought it appropriate to tell me that I was going to be locked away and that everyone was laughing behind my back (obviously not true). He told me he hated me when I accidentally put a virus on his computer. He calls my sister up whenever he likes and is verbally abusive. This is a very small selection of nasty things that he has come out with- I know he is ill but it does get to the point where you just stop caring.

Occasionally he makes contact with me for no reason to promise me something. Like several hundred pounds for my GCSE results, like he gave my sister, or a car for passing my test, or a guitar for Christmas, none of which, might I add, have been promised when he’s been particularly ‘crazy’. I don’t personally ask him for anything, he just decides that at that time he wants to do it. Then he just never goes through with it and I’m tired of being let down. In fact, last Christmas my mum and her husband went away (to see my step-dad's’s family- I chose not to go) and I sat in the living room with all of my dad’s family opening their large stacks of presents and I didn’t receive a single thing- he didn’t set me a place at the table. In the end I went home and spent it alone. Since then I haven’t called or spoken to him, and he hasn’t bothered phoning once.

Please don’t think this is a case of ‘poor little rich girl’. I don’t need a car or money or a guitar, and I think that he offers me far too much. However, what I don’t want is someone promising me things and then just deciding not to do it and jumping in and out of my life.

My grandfather has been like a father figure to me all my life, has truly been there for me, and has done it without flashing money around. I love and respect him far more than I ever will my real father.

All I want to know is whether you think I should bother with him at all any more? Is it worth keeping contact with someone just because they are your father, no matter what? As I have said, I know he is ill but he has his medication and I have no respect for him because by stopping taking it he’s pretty much choosing to put everyone through this.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give everyone a full picture.

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6 ANSWERS


  1. I didn't read all the question but I think I have the general idea. If you keep in contact with your father it should be because you want to. I would keep in touch with him because of his mental condition. Just to make sure he is ok.


  2. I understand where your coming from my family has been horrible and I am now in the same situtaion with my mom I never want to speak to her and im pregnant with the first grandchild. As for your dad he has hurt you alot (mine has to) but try writing him how you feel, tell him you did not make the choice to come in to his life, but you are his and it hurts with what he says. TELL HIM NOW!! before its to late, say wahts on your mind, you dont seem to mind if you never talk again so tell him the truth it wont hurt nothing, If you dont and he dies it leaves you with a hole in your heart and no answers and upsetting that you never said what needed to. My father died before I got to tell him how I really feel, we just started talking, (he was in trouble with the law bad) He was having health problems but I kept thinking it would not happen. It did and now I sit here still pissed off about the things said and done and I feel that I have no answers. If I would have just wrote him a letter then atleast I made an attempt instead of sitting waiting for them to come to me. GL

  3. You've done everything you can. Your dad has totally disrespected you and hurt you, and doesn't seem to care. He's let you down countless times and obviously, it doesn't bother him. What you need to do now is drop contact. HE is the father, not the child. He should be chasing after you, not the other way around. It's great that your grandfather is like a father figure to you. I've been in the same situation, and my grandfather has always been there. So, no more phone calls, no more visits. If he truly cares about you, he'll call you, WITH an apology. If he does decide he's sorry, I think you guys should see a couselor together. It's not fair to you, to be in this situation, and his mental illness is not an excuse to treat you like c**p.

  4. I would not tell him because if he's neva been there 4 me.And I feel where u coming from because my mom has neva been there either so there for I don't think I should have 2 tell her anything. My dad has always been there through thick n thin...So not I don't think u should tell him...

  5. life's too short to hold grudges.

    tell your dad how you feel.

    tell him, where he went wrong.

    Maybe he stayed away because he thought he weren't wanted around?

    or another reason...

    you shud talk to him; i lost my dad 5 years ago.

    there's alot of things i wish i could say.

    too late though.

    DON'T MAKE THE SAME MiSTAKE i DiD!

    x

  6. I kind of know how you feel. My dad has never been that into my life either, and certainly not loving.

    It would be good to know how old you are. Lots of my younger friends who still live at home have to deal with parents like this, and don't really have a choice. Since you don't really need your dad for anything (let's be honest) you are fortunate to have a father-figure in your grandfather and might be better off cutting that pain out of your life the best you can.

    On the other hand, losing such an important figure in your life is sad. What if he has a revelation and one day appreciates you for who you are? Right? Well, if you can live with him in your life without that hope hanging over you, then you'll be OK.

    I deal with my dad because I'm an adult and don't need him for anything. I don't allow him to hurt me because I get what I need from other fulfilling areas of my life. I feel sorry for him, and let him see his grandchild because he won't be around forever. If he ever starts hurting her like that, he's out.

    I hope this helps. You seem like you'll be fine either way, actually. Take back some control, just for yourself, by knowing that you have other things in your life that give you self-worth, and don't let what he does or doesn't do hurt you. Feel sorry for him, but be the bigger person.  

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