Should I stop making such an effort to please my wife?

Question

I have been married over 13 years, but my wife recently told me she wasn't very happy the 1st 10 years or so (but she says things have been better recently). I know something was up a few years back and I have made a real effort to be a good husband (be complimentary, try to spend time, help out with the house and kids more, say and show that I love my wife). Throughout this time my biggest complaint has been that I don't think my wife shows enough affection to me (not just the s*x, but more than once or maybe twice a week would be nice and I would love it if she initated some s*x so I don't feel like a begger all the time or being rejected many times). She doesn't initate hugs, kissing, or romantic talk very often at all and she never compliments me (especially on looks, even though I lost over 20 lbs. recently and I know I do look good because of weight lifting and toning and I already have a better than average looking face). I feel tired of making all the effort even if I wasn't the best husband years ago. I am starting to feel taken for granted. Has anyone else had a situation like this happen? Should I stop the special attention and see what happens (maybe she'll make a bigger effort)? BTW, I have talked to her over the last couple years about this problem and it gets better for a couple of days and then it's back to normal. I feel like she really doesn't love me and I'm just her money making friend and father to her kids. I don't feel any passion at all from her like the passion I still feel for her. Any ideas out there?

Answer 1

Trust me when I say that you are not alone.  Your situation sounds way to similar to mine (without the weightlifting part).

I've been married almost 13 years and the first 10 years were very trying.  We've made good strides, but I still feel like I'm simply a meal ticket.  I'm sure that she really cares for me, but it's hard for me to feel that way.  She's no longer interested in any form of intimacy, so we're pretty much roommates with kids.

Should you stop what your doing to please your wife.  Absolutely!

You should only be doing these things to please yourself.  If your wife cannot accept you for who you are, then you should move on.  But if you choose to change your ways to make her happy, she better be changing some of her ways as well.  Otherwise, you're wasting your time.

Maybe I should start weightlifting......

Answer 2

I agree with you Gary.  Try the STOP paying attention and stuff and being shut down!  A person can only take so much!!

If she's not happy, then it's her place to try and be so.  Just like it's yours, sense she seems to have just given up.

Try it and see where it leads you.   Good Luck

Answer 3

If you're doing all you state you're doing... then there is one of two things going on... Either she has been "leaning" on another man about her problems in her marriage... or she is taking you for granted as a sort of "pay back" for the first 10 or so years...

Either way, its not good. You sound like you need to sit down and talk to her. Find out what is going on. Fully.

Answer 4

It took me 22 years to get it. We are finally Divorced and I haven't regretted letting go one bit. Not one tear shed nor heart broken. Why I let this ice berg live under my roof for that long is beyond me. Dude, you are in the same fix. Just tell her, you are tired of being the fool and you are going to get a Divorce. She'll either freak and yell, or say see ya later Gator. Either way, you win.

Answer 5

You are walking in the same shoes as a thousand just like you. This is why marriages fail and cheating is rampant. Everyone needs to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. You sound sad and tired. This isn't the life you signed on for. I think you can only do so much before you need to find someone else that will validate you and make you feel needed. I don't suggest cheating, but I suggest telling her straight up that this just isn't what marriage is supposed to be like and see a counselor. If she refuses to make an effort, I would think about separating for a while. Maybe she won't know how good she's got it until she doesn't anymore. Good luck to you both. PS There is a song by Blake Shelton called Don't Make Me. Maybe you could send her a copy.  

Answer 6

Not to sound "off topic", but I've never met a man named Gary that wasn't totally g*y............

Just saying........

Answer 7

Why put in an effort to save what's not there? Let go and move on. I know it sounds harsh but it's not always better.

Answer 8

I don't think you should stop what you are doing.  That will not make things better.  I know this is so cliche but you may need counseling just to get a professional third opinion.  I rarely compliment my husband or initiate s*x just because for the last ten years he always initiates.  I rarely compliment because he is arrogant enough.  Maybe she has reasons (not exactly like mine) but maybe she has her reasons.  I think you guys need a looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg talk expressing EVERYTHING.

Answer 9

my husband wasn't a very good one for a few years, things are SLOWLY getting better. i'm sure your wife needs time to fall in love with you again. if you stop treating her well then you are worst than her.. give her reasons to fall in love again.. put on the charm in addition to treating her well.

Answer 10

tough one.. I have learned that women are ALL emotion when it comes to relations.. even the physical part.. if she had doubt for first part, it may take her a while to "warm up"... going through same.. I have made some large mistakes (no affairs) that still hangs over my head... many women hang onto things in the past as well.. it will take a while to get on track.. my wife is not physically emotional at all.. lucky to get a kiss a day... maybe you do need to back off a bit.. I have learned that if they feel smothered, they back off also.. it is weird balance.. they want you to initiate, but when they are ready... guys are more of spur of the moment.. I think we forgive/forget easier.. (well, that may depend).. what does she say when you mention that you don't feel she is as physical as you would like? maybe she has something in her past that prevents her from "getting there"... you sound like a good guy that wants to make it work with your wife.. no one ever said it was going to be easy... maybe there is something she is battling inside her head that she is struggling with.. there are a lot of factors.. you guys need to sit down and be honest with each other.. it sounds like you have had a rough beginning, but trying to repair it..  

Answer 11

Maybe couples counseling would help...

You cannot force someone to love you and forgive the past. If you are not happy and are not getting what you need, sheshould listen to your feelings and work on a change because she is your wife. Spouses often forget how to be eachother's friend and then it slowly unfolds until one day you are both strangers....Do not let this happen.

If she can't do this - you must choose what will make you happier.

Good luck.