Should I take him back even though it was my choice to end it?

Question

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I felt I was not a priority to him. He did not spend much time with me and I am ready to get engaged and start my life with him because I love him. He made a comment during an argument that there were more important things in his life than this relationship, which was what made me think it was time to end it. Having spoken to him and having an amicable break up with all the crying and respect needed from both parties for it to end well, I find now that I miss him and want to be with him. I know he is not ready for marriage, but, after speaking to him, I know he never meant to take me for granted and also loves me very much. We just come from very different backgrounds and have very different ideas of how things are "supposed" to be. I realize now that should I choose to take him back it is completely on me, I will have to be the one to change and if I get hurt again it is my own dang fault. I am thinking I should wait to see if I still feel this way in a couple weeks, but I still feel he is the one, I always have, we are just on different pages. What do you do with that? Also, we are both almost 30 and have been together 1.5 years. I will not be basing my decision off the answers I receive, but it is nice to get opinions that are outside of the situation.

Answer 1

I hear your words putting your self down to his level & conforming to his way of thinking.  Honestly, in the back of your mind you will always wonder "what if" & eventually, you will seek to find it. The soul is not meant to conform to what another's happiness is all about. It is meant to live freely & seek another who wants the same things in life.

Your reasons for missing him & thinking you messed up are normal. It's scary to look towards the future not knowing what is out there. To fall back to your safety net is so much easier... However, the net does have holes & you will slip through those holes again & again until you come to realize what is more important which is your own happiness!

I spent 16 yrs of my life doing exactly what you have described.  My husband was thrilled to know that I would conform to his way of life. And I did it, thinking that this is as good as it gets!  I was miserable, still trying to get him to understand that my feelings mattered too & spending time together was important to our relationship. He just never saw it that way. Had I had a crystal ball & could forsee the future, I would have walked away in the beginning & had a whole different life, saving us both a great deal of heartache.

Now 4 yrs divorced, it's difficult to figure out what the next half of my life is supposed to be about...  However, I'm having a great time learning!  

Answer 2

Just for me, I would not end it for marriage.  Two people can have a loving and committed relationship without marriage.

If you want children and your time is running out.. move on.

I didn't and it's too late now.

Answer 3

Why are you minimizing your true feelings?  I know it hurts, missing him, but your bad feelings are temporary.  Have you read, He is Just Not Into You and Don't Answer That Phone?  I hope I got these titles right.  These books will give you clarity but not help with the loneliness.  YOU need to free your desire for him so you can move on.  You are so worth it.  Treat yourself nice.  There is a guy out there that wants you and...it is not because you are comfortable.  I was married less than 2 years to a guy like yours and SO miserable.  I am going thru a divorce now and dealing with what I should have dealt with (feelings of separation) BEFORE I married him.  Of course, he wanted to marry me, I did everything to make his life better...he did not even want to spend time with me, except for s*x and what was necessary.  Life is too short and you are too precious to waste your time on a guy who won't love you the way you need.  There is a guy out there that will want you for you and you will find him when you close this door.  Prolonging the inevitable will not make it one bit better or change him. Please take care of yourself and know you are worth it.  Best wishes.

Answer 4

This is usually how it goes, you break up with him because he does not put you as a priority in his life. This to you is important,  so much so that it hurts you. You feel the need to be a priority in his life which that is the way it should be. If you are not a priority in his life, later down the years you will begin to resent this and trust me, it will be difficult for you to live this way. You broke up with him and missing him is what is making you to re-think your position on this. Your emotions are now taking over and because you love and miss him you are now downplaying why it was you broke up with him in the first place. In other words, you are talking yourself out of what is important to you so that you can stop the pain of missing him. You say you both are just on different pages as if to mininize it. It is more than that, it is something that will affect your relationship with him if you were to take him back. I for one can understand how you feel, as I would never accept being second best to my husband, I would have to be a priority as he has shown me that I am. It is a wife's rightful position to be a priority in her husbands life just as he should be a priority to her. I know you are not yet married to this guy but if you do marry him you will be settling because you do not have the strength to let him go. Just know, it is never easy to let someone we love go, this is why most of us don't, then after time when you realise how unhappy you are, by then with a couple of children in the mix it is more difficult to let go. Eventually you find yourself lonely, unhappy and trapped. The decisions you make in your life today predicts your future for tomorrow. You decide. Good luck to you!

Answer 5

I think that more than anything, you just got lonely, and missed having someone there...not necessarily HIM. If you dated someone else, your thinking might be all-together different. I think you're lonely...do something about that, and if you still want HIM, then get back with him. Good Luck!

Answer 6

You said you both have different ideas of how a relationship should be.

Does this mean that he expects you to sit at home, cook and clean, and wait on him hand and foot while he goes out with the guys, does whatever he wants whenever he wants and expects you to still have s*x with him at the end of the day?

Answer 7

Here's my opinion..

   I wouldn't take him back.  The reason I think you're feeling so upset and missing him is because you've been together for a year and a half so it's difficult to imagine your life without him.  A year and a half is a long time to be with someone, and things become routine.  If the relationship doesn't work out, it's a big jolt in the routine, causing you to feel regret for ending the relationship and a swell of emotions to take place.

  Marriage is obviously important to you I'm assuming -- at least by the context of your question.  If you compromise that to be with this person who you're obviously not a priority to, I think you will live the rest of your life unhappy and regretting the choices you've made.

  That being said, is HE more important to you than the ideals you hold in a relationship, or marriage?  You have some weighing out to do.  You said yourself that the two of you have different opinions on the way things are "supposed" to be and that he doesn't wish to get married.  Let's just assume that will never change and he will never desire marriage.  If that's the case, what would you choose?  Would you rather leave him and find someone who you are more compatible with who also desires marriage and the ultimate commitments and values that go along with it, or would you rather ditch those values and ideals that you desire with marriage and spend the rest of your life with him?  You need to do what is best for you and what would make you happy.  If marriage would make you most happy then hold out -- it will be painful now, but the pain will ease and you will be happier in the long run.

Good luck!