Should I take my 3 y.o. to a psychologist over gender issues?

Question

I'm agonizing over the decision to bring my 3-year-old daughter to a psychologist as her pediatrician suggested. After her 4-year-old cousin told her that she must be a boy because she talks like a boy (her voice is just a little husky), she insists that she's a boy and will scream and cry if someone disputes her. She plays with dolls and adores Barbies and dress-up and likes to carry a purse, yet she demands that she is a boy and that she doesn't like girls because "they're strange".

This has been happening for the past 2 months and I'm not sure how concerned I should be. However, her Dr. has referred us to a Psych (which of course isn't covered by insurance), and says this will insure her a healthy self-identity as she grows. Of course, I want to do everything to make sure that she has every advantage as she grows, but is this really necessary?

Answer 1

take her... a few sessions should cover it. don't make it seem like she has a problem. make it seem like she's wrong about something and you care so you want to show her what is right.  

Answer 2

Ignore it totally for 6 months and keep a little distance from the cousin.  Try to have her involved in some mixed s*x play groups, library story times etc.  If after 6 months she persists in the notion that she is a boy - then take her to the psychologist.

Answer 3

I'm laughing my butt of here. She is only 3 so she doesn't understand what makes boys and girls different. Explain to her that boys and girls have different body parts so the boy can be a daddy and the girl can be a mommy someday. She isn't too young to know boys have a p***s and girls don't. At 3, that's all she needs to know so you don't have to go into detail.

Once she understands that then she can be proud that she will be a mommy someday and that's a good thing. She can tell her cousin that so she has a response he can't refute. The little male chauvinist! Someone should set him down and tell him girls are just as good as boys and one day he will think they are even more exciting. He won't believe it but he needs to hear it. lol

Answer 4

Maybe it's time to steer clear of the 4 year old cousin for a while, especially if this is what convinced your daughter she's a boy.

I would be concerned, too; however, i might give it some time and see what happens over the next several months.  

Answer 5

This is a phase, one she will outgrown as soon as people let her forget about what her cousin said to her.

The bigger deal that you make of it, the more she's going to fight you over this issue, let her be. She will soon get tired of pretending she's a boy. If you're THAT concerned about it, then start doing girl things with her. Take her shopping for a new dress, and some pretty shoes she can play dress up in, paint her finger nails a pretty color. She'll see she quite likes BEING a girl, even if she doesn't LIKE them.  Cause let's face it, we girls are a bit strange at times, aren't we?

Whatever you do, stop making a big issue about genders, she's 3, she's not likely to KNOW the difference between boys and girls, and I'm sure you don't want her to for a long time yet.

As for cousin, I hope someone is teaching them how cruel words can be, and how some things should never be said to another child.  

Answer 6

You've gotten some great advice.  I'd just watch her like you did before this happened.  You can make a joke about her husky voice - it is unique and will probably make people pay more attention to what she says when she grows up.  My grandmother sounded like a man on the telephone and she was a womanly woman.

Don't argue about whether she is or is not a boy.  She doesn't have the language skills to express her meaning and this is why she screams and cries.  Don't have a talk to her cousin.  He is responding to her as he sees her.  He didn't do anything that will blight her life.

She obviously admires her 4 year old cousin.  To her he's a big boy and knows it all.  As you talk about gender differences - this is the perfect time to do this, you can talk about other differences and how to be tolerant and tell her you like her voice.  Don't bring it up after that (the voice thing).  Teach her how to do things so she has self confidence - dance class, baseball, whatever she is ready for.

We girls can dress like boys (jeans and t-shirt), do the physical things boys do (without anyone being worried about our sexuality), put on girly things, play with both girls' and boys' toys, etc.  The same flexibility is not permitted to boys without a lot of censure.  We are called tomboys, they are called - well, you know.

Let her be who she is.

.

Answer 7

you americans are way too easy to run to a mental health specialist for trivial things,shes a kid stop worrying over rubbish

Answer 8

i think she will grow out of it eventually.

but if youre really leaning on bringing her to a psychologist, then do so.

but i belive if you sit her down and talk to her and tell her not to yell and scream she will listen

Answer 9

You've received some very good suggestions.  I would not be overly concerned at this point about how she is focusing on being a boy.  She's still doing the girly things anyway.  If it is just a phase, (probably is) you'll know quite soon.  I would not take her to a psychologist.  That's overkill and a waste of money at this point.

I would find another doctor though.  Any physician should know in our day and age that gender identity is not something that can be "corrected" or manipulated through therapy.  Our gender identity is an integral part of our genetic makeup and no amount of therapy can change it.  We need to quit thinking that we can "therapy" a child into being what our image of their gender should be.  I knew at the age of four that I was very different.  I didn't know what to do about it, so I just hid it for most of my life until, as an adult, I had to deal with it or die.  Have the love that will require you to let your child make her own mind up about her gender.  I wish my parents would have done that.

Blessings to you and yours,

TerriLee

Answer 10

maybe the problem is that you are focusing too much attention on her imagination.  sometimes, parents have to learn when to pick a battle.  she sounds very unique and quite content.  accept her and let her live her life as a 3  yr old without your hang ups interfering.