Should I take our daughter from him???

Question

Ok, to give a little background...When we first got together we rushed and moved together(in Michigan, my home town). About 3 months later, he gets locked up for 5 months (gets transferred to Missiouri, his home town). After he gets out, he talks me into coming to stay in Missouri, I go. Get pregnant, and we decide it would be best if I move back to Michigan. Now because he had been locked up, he is actually on parole. Which does not allow him to move as he pleases. So, while I'm pregnant, we get married (mostly so he can get a transfer, he said he needed family in Michigan to be allowed to transfer, since he is on parole...so we get married). The day I am in labor, he moves him and all his stuff up to Michigan to stay. This lasts about a year, before he f***S up and gets locked up again. (he has an anger problem. During our relationship, he often pushes me, hits me, chokes me....this is going on, on and off during our relationship). He even started counsling for it JUSt before he got locked up the second time. Well, anyways, he gets locked up for 15 months. While I'm left to raise our daughter. So, about 5 months into his sentence, he talks me into moving to Missouri, so that his daughter can visit him, plus he told me he should be out with in a month. So, I should just start working or whatever. Well time goes by, and he finally gets out. I was set on the fact that me and him were not going to be together. But I stupidly give in when he gets out and let him move in with me. Now about a month and a half go by, and he didn't change like he kept steady saying he would, he is still an @**H***. Downs me, has choked me, hit me, all the dumb stuff. So now, I told him we are getting a divorce, and he needs to move out as soon as we get taxes back at the end of this month. He very unwillingly agrees.

But NOW I am really wanting to move back home (to Michigan). My family misses me, I miss every one SO bad. And I just recently found out my Grandma is not doing very well, so I am really wanting to be around her.

Now what I do not want to do is have our daughter not know her father, but unfortunately, because he cannot come to Michigan, this may not be entirely possible. Plus, I feel that because none of this is my fault, I shouldn't have to be punished by staying here in missouri and having nothing. While he has all of his family. With in a year or two he would be able to get a transfer to Michigan.

I guess my question is: Do you think it is unfair of me to take our daughter to live with me and my family in Michigan knowing that he will not be able to move there for some time. At the same time I am still willing to work something out as far as her getting to visit him.

I have been more than willing to help him out...as far as letting him use my truck for him to get to and from work. Near the end of this month we are going to work toward getting him his own vehicle, mostly so it would be easier for him to move out. But still, me helping him out.

I am just so confused, because I do not want to be around some one who hurts me, but because I care so much, I do not want to hurt him and take away his daughter (who he adores)....WHAT SHOULD I DO??

Answer 1

He's an abuser.. stay away from him. One of these times he is going to kill you and or your daughter. Besides do you really want your daughter repeating the cycle when she gets married..do you really want her to be anywhere near him ever?? It's time you start thinking about that little girl you have and LEAVE HIM ALONE AND FAR AWAY!!

Answer 2

Move back home with your family. This will allow you to be away from him and be with your family who doesn't judge you and love you and your daughter unconditionally. I think your daughter has the right to know her father but if your daughter stays in Missouri, how will she know her father if he's in and out of jail anyway?? Move back home and have your daughter visit him whenever you can make the trip down there.

Answer 3

Why would you even think about allowing your daughter to grow up in this environment? So when she grows up she will marry someone like your husband that abuses you because that is what she saw growing-up & thinks it's normal? Just because he donated sperm (sorry don't mean to be so blunt) does not make him a DAD! Move back home where you have the support of your family. Good luck!

Answer 4

even though he adores his daughter you need to protect him from her.. and maybe even get a restraining order from him

because guys like him will even be abusive after the relationship is broke off.  He sounds very self centered and abusive put your daughter first and make sure she is safe from all of the abuse.. children dont need to see their parents fight it only causes them physcological damage and harm.

Answer 5

its save to be away from him, but visit him when you have time,staying with him is very risky.today he Will choke you but tomorrow he will kill trying to care so much!

Answer 6

Okay, you should have seen the red flags when he got locked up the first time, then the second, and the third...and if he beats you, you are definitely at fault for being dumb enough to marry him and keep going back to him. Leave him, to h**l with worrying about his visitation. He may end up hurting your child. If he can't hurt you anymore, he will eventually hurt her to get to you. Men like him, never change and you are crazy if you would let him be alone with your child if he has gotten violent with you. Move away and get a restraining order to protect the both of you. Quit helping him, he did this to himself, let him dig his way out. Your only job is to protect and raise your child, forget about him and his rights. He gave those up the first time he hit you and decided he wanted to be a repeat offender. Be smart, don't fall for his slick lies. He's playing the pitiful victim part to a "T" coz he knows you will help him. Ask yourself, what has he ever done for you? Besides nearly kill you. Move back home where you and your child will be safe. She can know her dad from a distance, do you want her to grow up thinking it's ok to let her man beat on her and be a loser who keeps going to jail. Be a strong woman and set a good healthy example for your child or she'll end up with someone just like him. Is that what you want for her? I doubt it. You don't need him, be with family and spend time teaching your child to be a strong, and productive member of society. Telling her truthfully who her father is and why you left(when she is older) is your best bet for now. Being safe is your #1 priority, not helping out a grown man who obviously has no self respect. Or respect for you. And if he loved and adored your child as much as he said, he wouldn't treat you the way he does. And he would stay out of jail, get a job, and be a man and do it on his own. Move on, sister!!!That kinda childhood will mess her head up for life! Yes, you should move and take her with you. He obviously can't take care of her or himself. Not to mention he may kill you, her and then himself, happens all the time.

Answer 7

Your most important objective here is the safety of your daughter and yourself.  He may have not hurt her yet, and he may never, but there are men that abuse their wives/girlfriends and also end up abusing the children in one way or another...physical and emotional abuse are wrong period.  Some men abuse only the mothers and not the children...but, WHY take the chance??

It honestly sounds as if you have given this man every possible chance, and he refuses to change.  You will never be able to control him, and make him be a better person...he needs to grow up and act like an adult.  

You need YOUR family...it's that simple.  I think you should move back to Michigan, where you can be with friends and family that can help you, support you, and be there for you.

If he really wants to be a part of his daughters life, he can prove it by visiting her, whenever he is able, sending cards, letters, emailing, phone calls, etc.  He should also prove it by growing up and acting like a father.

I wouldn't care so much about his feelings...he could leave one day, and never see his daughter again, or even forget that she exists, and that would be his choice, so where would that leave you?  Used again!

The best thing you could do is take care of yourself and your daughters needs before anyone elses.

Wishing you the best of luck....      

Answer 8

when he gets out of jail just go to court n have his visits supervised so you know he wont do anything. He can always talk to his kid on the phone. My boyfriend has a son who is two years old and his mother has supervised visits on him but she never shows up to see him. All you can do is offer it to him if he doesn't want to do it then you cant force it on him . He will be the one missing out on things as she grows up not you . All you should worry about is the safety of you and your daughter. If he wants to be part of her life then he has to stand up to the plate and make the first move,

Answer 9

Train wreck.  Classic train wreck.  Take yourself home and get some good counseling, the divorce isn't going to be enough.  If you don't work through your own issues, your daughter is going to grow up to repeat this mess.  The guy's a classic batterer, romantic and charming until he needs to let off steam and belts you.  And you have been just so ready to let him - that goes back to something way before you met him.

You need to learn there is a valuable person within you, who very much needs and deserves and wants to be respected and treated well by you.  If you stay in Missouri, it's just business as usual.

Some women never feel valuable enough to leave their batterers.  They often end up dead, or their children do.  GO HOME!  Do it now!  The longer you wait, the harder it will get.  You've forgiven the unforgivable before, don't rely on "good sense" you haven't got.  Something very strong is tying you to this guy - he sensed it right off, that you were easy prey, when you met.  This is not love.  This has nothing to do with love.  Somewhere way back, somebody told you a lie about love, and now your brain has its wires crossed.  This isn't something you are prepared to think through.  Just get out.

As far as being fair to take your daughter, do you really think he's going to take care of her?  If you're not around to hit, he'll find someone else - and even it it isn't her, it will hurt her every bit as much, because she will think that behavior is normal.  As far as taking her from him, what makes you think he cares? He wallops her mother.  She is just another tool for him to feel power by pulling you apart, like the wings from a butterfly.  If you weaken, just think of her, her safety.

Answer 10

I think you've helped him as much as you can. You know the saying, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I agree with the person above. This is an ideal time for him to realize and possibly correct his mistakes. Plain and simple, you owe yourself and  daughter a better life than this. Any male role model is better than a negative role model.  

Answer 11

Moving away from him would probly be the best thing you could do for you and your daughter . Making it not so easy for him to see you and her would maybe make him realize he is F****'ing up and he may or may not get his life in order .

I am really against woman taking their children away from their father but in this case he is abusive and in and out of jail

i would use this to try to wake him up

Answer 12

I know so many people in your position. I tell them like I am going to tell you. If he hits you and he gets away with it, one day he will take it further and could kill you. Your daughter will be better off not knowing the s@umbag father if this is the things he is showing her. Violence begets violence. You will get hurt and your daughter will have no mother or father. Get the h**l out of there and go to Michigan with your family, kiss this fool goodbye. Move away. It is not that hard to do even with little money. Where there is a will there is way. Guy is bad news for you and your daughter. Think about when your daughter grows up will you feel good knowing a man is treating her the way you are getting treated. If you say yes then you on your own. I hear all the time I love him I care I hve kids with him. Boo Hoo hoo. So what. You can get up on your feet and do well without the loser hanging on to you. I am sure YOU help him out a lot is right. Stop the cycle before his hurts yours.

Answer 13

It sounds to me like you have given your partner many chances, and yet he continues to f***-up.  Still, you have feelings for him.  Abusive relationships are like that, because when the good is good, it's REALLY good.... then the honeymoon phase begins to fade, the tension builds, he smacks you, you hit rock bottom, he apologizes, swears it will never happen again, starts acting really nice and attentive, and we're back at the top of the cycle.  Millions of women have been caught in this exact whirlpool; you are not alone.

However, you need to know that by staying in any sort of relationship with this man is enabling him to continue his behaviour.  It is not your fault, but you are telling him that, really, it's okay to treat you like this.  You will still be there for him.  It's time to send him a different message.

You need to leave and go to your family.  He can write or call, but he can't visit.  In a way, you are lucky - he can't visit b/c of the parole conditions, so you don't need an extra restraining order (though you might want to think about that if the calls or letters become at all threatening).  The sad truth is that abusers often do become worse and more violent after their partner leaves, so you have to protect yourself and your child.  

Last, please don't think of putting up with his behaviour for the sake of your child.  For the sake of your child, put your foot down and see if your partner can truly change himself (it's a huge task, and can only be done in your absence).  That way your child might have a shot at having a decent father in her life.

Good luck.  Follow your heart.  You already know what you need to do.