Should I tell my fiance about difficult family situation?

Question

I'm 30 years old and live with my fiance. My mum remarried 4 years ago after a messy and violent divorse with my dad. I've always had a good working and family relationship with my step dad, (It's just him and me running a small businnes). But a few things have happened in the last few months that I'm finding difficult to cope with and don't know what to do next.

My step dad spends all afternoon in the pub while I'm in the office. He comes back drunk and a little too confident in the wrong areas. Early this year, he started to get a bit inappropriate with borderline suggestive comments on how I look and called me 's*x toy' very loudly in a crowded pub on one occasion. Since then, he's touched me on my thigh a few times and has tapped me on the backside on two occasions. He hasn't done anything since I told him off about a month ago for his inappropriate behaviour. I will not ruin my mums life and tell her...she's been through enough in her lifetime and is happier now than she's ever been. My step dad is wonderful in so many ways, but I'm struggling with what has happened, and am scared it will happen again. I now hate my job and am starting to hate myself too. I seem to be falling deeper into a state of depression because of what is happening at work, and I can't tell my fiance the real reason why. I feel terrible for this, because we value our trust and honesty with each other. I'm concidering talking to my fiance about this, but don't want any of it out in the open, and I don't want him to hate my step dad. I also feel embarraced and wonder if I'm making a fuss about nothing. I CAN'T leave my job either; I just want to get my head round all this and don't know how. What would you do? Do you think I should talk to my fiance?

Answer 1

yeh,you should talk to him cause i think that you have to tell him about every thing in your mind don't keep anything from him!

Answer 2

I think you have a bigger issue with your step dad than your fiance. You really need to get as far as possible from him, that's the most important thing. Tell your step dad that you're not okay with this, and you don't want to have anything with him. His behaviour is seriously a bad sign. He's a jerk, that is. Don't wait untill things get worse. Your safety is the most important thing. And I think you need to tell your fiance carefully. You probably will need his protection. And don't hate yourself. It's not your fault. Your step dad is the one who should hate himself.

Answer 3

the issues of mom and the step dad were not created by you..try some counseling for the emotion stresses that you are now experiencing due to this family issue. You need to take care of yourself and maintain a healhty state of mind.

Answer 4

Well, honestly it's kind of wrong of you to keep that from him, especially because he is your fiance. It's not fair that you keep that from him, talk to him about it. He love's you and has the right to know. Don't keep him in the dark. Let him in.

Answer 5

Talk to him honestly, tell him your feeling. That will help you to coop better with that happen and your relation with him will get stronger. After all, couples are to support eachother in whatever situation.

If you wait to long and your step-dad passes his limits again with you, you will feel that you could have prevented it if you had spoken and feel guilty you didn't.

Tell your fiance everything, also tell him that you don't want your mom to know about it, he will respect that.

Answer 6

I think that yes, you should tell him the truth and if I were you I would leave that job. Your fiance will for sure not be happy for you to be working in an enviroment with your step dad, after all he did. It's not going to be plain sailing for the way your fiance will be towards your stepdad, but it's natural to act that way. It's a way of protecting you. Goodluck, hope this works!

Answer 7

your step dad has a drinking problem. (he drinks and acts out inappropriately/personality changes and it affects his work and other aspects of his life you may not be aware of--this is alcoholism.) And things aren't good at home with your mom.

You don't have to tell your mom about your step-dad's misbehavior at the office but you do need to tell her that you are concerned about his drinking.  Tell her that he's been coming to work drunk and he's been making mistakes at work because of it.  If she doesn't deny his excessive drinking then I bet she'll give you an earful of what's been going on at home.

Al-Anon for you. This will help you deal with your step-dad and you can recommend it to your mom.  Both of you try to encourage him to go to AA.

Definitely tell your BF EVERYTHING.  Even tell him how you feel and that you don't want him to take anything out on your step-dad.

Tell your step-dad that you can no longer work for him if he is going to continue coming in drunk because it is affecting your personal relationship with him as well as your professional one.  And start looking for another job.

edit:

why can't you leave the job?  Are you part owner or are you convinvced that everything will fall apart if you leave?  

If you're part owner then you need to deal with your step-dad and plan to have him buy you out or you buy him out.  

If you think things will fall apart if you leave then you help him find a replacement and you train that person.  If that person walks off because in a drunken state he is sexually inappropriate then that's his problem.  It's one of the many consequences of his alcoholism he needs to face in order to recognize that he has a problem.  You can't protect him from himself.

Answer 8

First of all you need to talk to your step dad and tell him that this is not on. Tell him he is ruining a good relationship and working relationship with you.

Tell him you will tell your fiancee and your mother (even though you wouldn't tell you mom) if he continues this way.

If he refuses to comply. Then you should tell your fiancee.

Answer 9

You most definitely should talk to your fiance about this. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't tell my mom either. But before you fall even any deeper into depression, you really need to speak to someone about this - your fiance would be the perfect person. If he is a reasonable person, then he should be protective of you, and not hate your stepdad. I'm not sure what kind of business you and your stepdad run, but perhaps you should stay away from his as much as you possibly can.

Answer 10

Yes for better for worse  

Answer 11

Honesty is the best policy.. when the situation escalates and he founds out later rather than sooner, he will most likely be more upset that you did not confide in him WHILE it was going on... plus he deserves to know why you are so unhappy right now - he may be thinking he is the one at fault.

Answer 12

GOLLY!  I would talk to your step dad and tell him he needs to step up his game, that you are not going to continue to carry him and his inappropriate self any longer.  If he gives you another pinch or touch, give him the steely eye and let him know this is the VERY END OF THE LINE FOR HIM, HIS BEHAVIOR and so on.  Your mum deserves better than a lounge jockey and touchy feely man without principal or an off switch for drinking.  Hiding things from your beloved is a recipe for disaster and hiding this is only the beginning of other things you need to "protect" your beloved from.  Do you not trust him to be honest with?  Is he violent?  Do you think you had some part in your step dad misbehavior?  Ruining your mum's life?  How is that?  By letting her know her hubby is a dog?  Sounds to me as if you might be doing her a huge disservice by letting her NOT KNOW enough to make her own decisions!  If your step dad has simply had a lapse in judgment and a little talk has brought him back to reality, then let it go, but if he is continuing to give repeat performances, I say let the chips fall where they may.  But being an enabler would not be something I would encourage you to continue.  Now giddy up and git er done!

Answer 13

Talk to your stepdad when he's sober, and let him know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will have to stop. If he does not stop, you will tell your mother. Actually, I think you should tell your mother anyway, she'd probably much prefer that you were happy.

But before that, you should tell your fiance what's been going on, and ask him for advice. It would be good to have his support in this.

Also, I suggest looking for a new job because this is not good for you. Let your stepdad ruin the business, but after he's bought you out (if you're part owner). But you do NOT have to stay in this awful and very demeaning situation.  

Answer 14

YOU have dont nothing wrong, YOU have nothing to feel ashamed about, You told him to stop it, he has done. If it happens again i would say something, Tell your fiance, not only is he suppose to be the one that you can talk about anything to, but you should also have openess and honesty. Put it down to him being a bit drunk and lary and forget about it and move on, this cannot effect your current relationship as you both love each other, and if you do, no matter what you will both work through it. Try and get over it as best as you can, if you cant talk to your partner, he may be able to help x

Answer 15

you may not want to tell your mom but she has the right to know your fiance also has the right as well so sit all three down and rely on love to help let your step dad know that its very inappropriate to do these things to you do it as a family youll win on all sides not only will you be telling your mom whats going on youllbe telling your step dad its wrong and youll be including your fiance in as family

Answer 16

You need to tell your mom in a quiet and peaceful setting  that you are worried about being alone with HIM . You also need to get a taser for the next time he returns with a snoot full .You might also mention the drinking activity! If the zapper doesn't change his mind   Your fiancee will!

Answer 17

You are correct, you should not tell your mother or your fiance about what happen.  Actually nothing did happen.  When a person has to much to drink they may do something or say something that if they were sober they would not have done it.

Your step father should not spend so much time in the pub and leave you there to work.