Should I tell my kids that I, their mom, am adopted?

Question

Here's why I haven't wanted to tell my kids. Growing up I had "issues" with being adopted and said some real stupid, mean things to my parents - the lovely "you aren't my real parents". As a parent, I can't imagine being told that by my kids. So the ONLY reason I haven't told my kids (7 & 12) are because I don't want them EVER to feel their grandparents are not their "real" grandparents because they are and I know that now that I'm an adult. Thoughts????

Answer 1

My opinion is you should tell them. I had stuff hidden from me when I was growing up that I wish I would have known sooner in life.

I feel another reason to tell them is for health reasons. If there were to come a time that you are ill and they need to know background they will not be side swiped by the fact that their grandparents may not know the answer and placing them (your parents) in a position they have to tell the children.

Good luck on your search.

Answer 2

this could likely wait until they are 16-18 or so.

Answer 3

Yes, I think you should. I didn't find out until I was 16 that my grandfather was originally my mom's stepdad.  I was actually glad of this, but on the other hand, I still admired him for taking on an 8 year old that wasn't his.  As an adult, he treated my mother better than his own kids.

We know next to nothing of my biological grandfather. He died before Mom was born and the family was in Finland.

Answer 4

My best friends dad is adopted, she has always known, personally i think it would be good for them to know the truth, if they ever found out in years to come it might cause complications and upset as to why they werent told before?

Answer 5

i don't think there should be a problem if you tell them, now  you have the experience and knowledge of how to tell them since you went through that face. It is important that they hear it from you than to later find out themselves from another source. you need to build trust and let them know that there aren't any secrets between the 3 of you! don't worry the love they have for their grandparents isn't going to change.

Answer 6

We all say stupid things as kids to our parents - whether we were adopted or not.  The reality is that teaching your children now that "love" is what creates your family can only be more beneficial to them in the future.  Also, they do have a right to know because of medical histories.  

Good luck to you, and remember - NONE of us are perfect when it comes to how we treated our parents.  : )

Answer 7

I'm not sure if it matters at this point unless you have a relationship with your birth parents.  Your children are attached to your "REAL" parents so let it be.  The only time that this might make a difference is if there was some sort of genetic disease that had an impact on their lives where they needed to know in order to receive the correct treatment.

Answer 8

Please tell your kids, sooner rather than later.  You might be surprised (pleasantly) by their reaction.

I told my son when he was about 5 that I was adopted, and it didn't affect his relationship with my adoptive parents at all.  He enjoys a good relationship with my adoptive parents as well as my natural mother.  All have an equally important role in his life.  As far as he is concerned, there are no "real" grandparents or "fake" grandparents.  The relationship he has built revolves around love and caring, not roles defined by society that say who is "real" and who isn't.

I would venture that many of your fellow adoptees have used the "you aren't my real parents" line on our adoptive parents.  I don't doubt that hearing that was painful at times for my aparents, but they told me that it was something they EXPECTED me to say at some point...let's face it, as teenagers, we had the ultimate weapon to lash out at them with.  It seems pretty normal to me!

Answer 9

I think it's alright for them to know. Afterall thats who makes you who you are. Now you don't have to tell them that you ever used those words against your parents. As long as you treat your parents as if they are your parents your children will too.

Answer 10

Tell them.  Tell your kids that you are special because they picked you out of all the kids that needed parents.  That should get rid of any "real" issues for your kids.  A "real" parent is the one who is there through thick and thin.  Don't forget to tell your parents how much you love them and are glad they raised you.  That will cure any hurt you think you may have caused.

Answer 11

I told my kids this year (aged 7 and twins of 5)  They totally grasp and understand it and yes, Grandma (my adoptive Mother) is Grandma and always will be.  NOTHING would damage our relationship Mom/Grandma and anyways, truth is always the best policy.

My kids understand that, just as I can love all three of them - we have the capacity to love more than one grandparent!  After all it happens all the time in cases of divorce

Take care and stop worrying - their grandparents are their grandparents, telling the truth won't change that

Answer 12

The sooner the better, because they will find out sooner or later.

Your are the parent this is your family, whether it be adopted or biological.  Parents are very real and so are grandparents and they are real. One of my sons is adopted and the younger one is biological.  When their beloved Papa died (they were 12 years old) they both felt the pain and when Nana died 2 years ago (they were 37 yrs old)  they each sat (separately) and held her hand and talked to her for over an hour, she was heavily sedated but was able to squeeze their hand lightly from time to time so she let them know she could hear them as she was passing.  Must stop now, I find I'm crying with the remembrance.  Thank you for reminding me.

Answer 13

For goodness sakes, tell your children!  Kids don't censor who they love...they just love!  Especially grandparents!  And forgive yourself.  If you haven't already done so, talk to your parents and tell them how sorry you are.  

Nearly EVERY adolescent says horrible things to their parents. It's part of growing up...trying to forge our independence, establish our own individuality, and separate ourselves (emotionally). Some imagine that they really were adopted...because, "surely, these people can't be my real parents!" Those teens who aren't (adopted) find plenty of other hurtful things to say.  

So, prepare yourself!  You have one who's about to enter this stage, if he/she hasn't already.  The teen years are such a difficult age...we still feel dependent on our parents...yet don't want to be dependent...yet some small part of us is afraid to separate.  It's a push-pull time of life.  One moment, we love our parents, the next we can't stand them! They don't understand! They're so stupid!  

Of course, not all teens go through this period of life hating their parents.  If your's don't, be GRATEFUL.  If they do, remember that they will one day be loving and think you do know a thing or two.

I know from personal experience.

Answer 14

Yes.... at their age I think their ready for you to tell them.Honestly I think if you tell them when their older they might get mad at you for not being honest with them so I think at their age you sould tell them now...

Answer 15

The dynamics between grandparents and parents is totally different.  And your kids will not say or do anything to your adoptive parents that you put your foot down about.

If by some whim, one tried to say something so ignorant...then it would be up to you to explain to them that parents are the ones that love you, raise you and care for you as a child....

I wouldn't hesitate any longer.  And they are at a good age to understand the concept of love that is behind adoption.

Answer 16

just be honest with them. I would tell them only because they may hear it from another realtive or family friend. So, instead of them hearing it second hand, they are getting it from the source.

Answer 17

I am also adopted, and all 4 of my children have known I was adopted since they were old enough to talk...none of them ever thought of their grandparents as, not their "real grandparents'...  I would tell them, and explain things to them, it won't be easy...but I would not hold secrets from them.

Answer 18

yes you should! i had the same problem!!! im adopted also and i told my kids and they were so interested and they always want to see pictures from where i was born. it is adorable!!

Answer 19

yess you should tell them and be as honist as u can

Answer 20

yes , i think you should be honest with your children .... no matter what if they have a good relationship with there grandparents they will love them no matter what.

Your children will one day find out anyway , they may feel you kept secrets from them .... they may feel you didnt value them enough to tell the truth .... i would feel that way if i were in there shoes.

Answer 21

My wife is adopted.........  She has always known and I have always known.......  When I first found out it was tooo out there for me to think that my new in laws weren't my inlaws........  I went back and forth........helped her find her birth mother.....  we went through a lot of rocky times........    but Last week, we were talking, my wife and I, about her parents.......  I have always had a horrible relationship with them and I thought on many ocassions, i wish she wasn't adopted.........  But I have grown very close to her parents over the last few months, and I suddenly can't imagine her life or my life without them.....  To think that her mom didn't carry her in her tummy, doesn't matter to me and it doesn't matter to our son.....  my wife has three other siblings who were also adopted.........   I have learned from alot of situations, this one, and from my son  (who isn't biologically mine)  That it doesn't matter in the end.....  I feel that my wifes' parents are more wonderful and special, and even more welcoming of me because they adopted children...........  I know her birthmother and she is a complete stranger.........  We are telling our son as soon as we can all of the details of his mom's birth.......  Mostly because we are very proud of her parents for taking on all that responsibility when they didn't have to........  They chose my wife.....  She was very very slightly handicapped and sat in foster care for months....... and now I am very proud and happy, that they brought her up.......  They are her parents one hundred percent and I can only imagine that your children will always think of their grandparents as their REAL grandparents........    There is a saying about dad......    Anyone can be a father, but it takes a very special person to be a dad......  I think the same is true for grandparents....  My son's grandparents both sets, are not biologically related to him, but you would never in a million years be able to tell......  And you should always try to be honest with your kids....  if you hide it, they will assume there is negative in it..........

Answer 22

Yes, as others have said, you ABSOLUTELY need to tell them. And no, they're not going to stop thinking of their grandparents as true grandparents.

They need to know. They need to know that their grandparents' medical histories have no bearing on theirs.

Please.

Answer 23

It shouldn't be a problem at all, and I don't think they'll see their grand parents in that light.

My friend ever since i could remember (back in elm. school) knew that her mother was adopted and still saw her uncle as her uncle and flew to florida every summer to see her grandparents.

Just be ready to answer questions cause as I'm sure you know, kids are really curious.

Answer 24

Yes I think you should tell them and explain to them as best you can for their ages, that you had some “issues” and you said things to your parents that you now regret. You saying “You aren’t my real parents” I think is equivalent to any kid saying “I hate you mom or I hate you dad” must kids at one point say things that they don’t mean to their parents, but that are hurtfully nonetheless.  When they are older they realize how wrong they were and that they didn’t truly mean the hatefully words they said.  I don’t think you telling your kids that your adopted will make them feel less about their grandparents.

You might think of  reading  your youngest a storybook on adoption that could be a nice way to get into it. For your 12 year old there is a book called Erec Rex: The Dragons eye,  Erec the main character  is adopted if it’s a book you feel your eldest son might enjoy. Then you can explain to him that you’re like Erec in that you are also adopted then you can go from there.

Answer 25

Tell them that you're adopted and tell them how awful you were and explain that you realize now as an adult that they are your true parents because they loved you and took care of you and that's what makes a parent, not just blood. Your kids should know the whole truth.

Answer 26

I've told my 6 and 8 year old kids that I am adopted.  They have heard the word, but don't know what it means.  I don't delve because I don't want them to think that I could give them away or that someone could come and get them.  It is for them, not me.

Answer 27

Yes, you should absolutely tell them - it is part of their history too. Secrets and lies are damaging - honesty is always the best path.

Answer 28

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER THEN YES

Answer 29

yes, i'm sure your situation is probably different than mine but i never told my son i was adopted. even though my mother is white and society would say i was black he didn't grow up (at least on my end) know colors. so this school year he is supposed to brin gin pictures of family. they had a family tree kinda thheme for the whole week. well my son goes to school with our family pictures and the kids were like why do you have all these white people in your pictures and he said i don't know but they're my family. he came home after a whole day of trying to explain something he didn't know and i felt horrible. being adopted was made to be my identity. onc emy mother told me she adopted me she made sure i always knew i wasn't hers. so it was always a part of my life. it never dawned on me to tell him.

weather we know it or not. adoption effects our kids just as much as it effects our kids. especially interacial adoptions. I have learned just as a parent it's just easier once you ralize something it is just best to say it. i have found that the things i try to keep from my son and wait til "i think he's old enough to deal with it" usually end in disaster. either he's mad or it just didn't happen the way i thought it would. when it comes to family everything is just better when it's served with the truth. secrets aren't good no matter how good the intentions.

Answer 30

yes, you should tell them, but make sure they understand that its becuase their grandparents are loving enough to take in a complete strager as a child. let them know that their grandparents love them a lot!

Answer 31

You need to tell them.  They will find out eventually and I would imagine be very upset if they did not hear it from you.

Those of us not adopted said just as mean things to our parents at one time or another. You are no worse than the rest of us!  Your s***w to turn on them was adoption.