Should I tell my sister I don't think she should get married?

Question

My sister is engaged to be married to a nice guy. There is nothing wrong with him, I just don't think they are compatible.

She started dating him right after my parents divorced and my Mom moved away. She is VERY attached to his family, and substitutes his sisters and Mom, for me and my Mom.

He is 25, and she is 31. He JUST graduated from college and got his first "real" job. I don't think he is the man he'll be yet...

In addition, both of them have been working two jobs, so they hardly see each other, so how can they know they even like each other enough to get married?

He has already been married and divorced to his high school sweetheart (and only other girlfriend).

He's likes fixer-up houses, cars, etc... My sister doesn't - she's a glamorpuss who likes having her hair and nails done. He goes hunting and fishing and camping.

There is nothing wrong with him per se... I just don't know if she's thought this through... Should I say something or hold my tongue?

Answer 1

You only see the dynamics of the relationship as much as you are allowed to...you don't see all of it because you are not in the relationship....

Opposites attract...sometimes it work...sometimes it doesn't...perhaps their differences are fun & attractive to them.......and as long as those differences are accepted and each person views the other as a packaged deal....accepted for who and what they are, pro's & cons, then it'll work.

So, how do they inter-act when they are together-THAT says more about the relationship....

Listen, my guy is a night owl, I'm a morning lark......I love all veggies...he doesn't, he's picky about what he eats...I enjoy the summer  heat, he hugs the air conditioner.....I like to do thing in the now...he's Mr. Procrasination, I garden, he can't stand bugs, I'm organised, he's a scatter bug,......and there are other differences...and yet we 'work.'.........

So hold your tongue, Toots or you may find yourself eating your words.....and at her age your sister is big enough to make her own life, her own choices, and her own mistakes....ony she can determine if it turns out to be one or not...good luck.

Answer 2

You've got to walk away from this one or risk loosing your sister.

Answer 3

Keep your nose out of it.  You probably have no idea how their relationship is actually going or how they really click together.  Stay out of it.  He sounds like a really nice guy.  All you are going to do is alienate your sister from yourself.

Answer 4

The only time you should say something is if there is abuse present.  Otherwise just be happy for them it's not your place to decide who is right for her and who isn't.  The only people who can truly know are the couple.  There were alot of people that told my fiance he shouldn't date me...  It was the same deal I was nice enough but I was his first g/f and every one thought they knew we weren't compatible.... 6 years later we're still together and there is still alot of awkwardness between the friends and family that used to criticize us.

Answer 5

Your sister is 31 - she is already old enough to decide herself. Your task is back her up and help her by organising of wedding.

Answer 6

Don't say anything, it's not your place to say anything. It will just make things strained between you and your sister/her fiance.

Answer 7

As long as her isn't abusing her, hold your tongue.

Answer 8

I tried. I told my sister, when she married the first time, that if the things he does annoy her now, they won't go away and they will annoy her more later.     There isn't a lot that you can do about it, but realize that some people who are seemingly illmatched, actually can make a fine marriage.  My sister's 2nd husband seems just as illmatched, but they are clearly in a much more compatible relationship than she was with her 1st husband, so this one is a keeper.

I would just keep it to myself.

Answer 9

You can say whatever you want, but then you must be prepared for the outcome, as well.

It's not like your sister is 16.  And though they may seem opposite they may have a bond that they don't show to the outside world.   There are MANY opposites that have wonderful marriages.

Answer 10

Well, you should have been talking to her as they were dating, and you were getting to know him!

That said, no one from the outside knows what really goes on in a relationship.

Through my late teens and early 20s, I dated men very similar to me - more compatible in terms of being more like me, similar economic background and education, etc. But something didn't fit... never felt 'right', like THE one.

Then I met a man - THE man. Similar background in terms of religion and culture, but otherwise totally different. He's the fixer-upper dude, I was (frankly) a little spoiled and a lot controlling, very academic, not a glamourpuss as your friend, but used to a different lifestyle.

Me and this guy celebrated 19 very happy years of marriage yesterday! He's all science and math and problem solving - he's an electrician, can take a car totally apart and put it back together; a real jack of all trades and master of most. I was a teacher before being a SAHM, I'm all into the literature, humanities and social sciences - bit of an egghead. BUT what we have is deep and abiding love, and tons of chemistry! Somehow it's the old opposites attract.

I have an older sister who was like your sister - a real Barbie type who is a nurse. She married a dude like your sister is going to - a plumber, all into the hunting, camping and fishing -- and I never pictured her anywhere without a blow dryer and curling iron. But you know what - she did all that stuff, and came to like it - well, she doesn't go hunting, but camping, lake stuff, fishing... and she surprised the rest of us in the family.

So, yes, talk to your sister. But don't confront her, ask her to explain her relationship with him.

Answer 11

I SO understand where you are coming from.  We want to help our loved ones avoid costly mistakes.

However, it doesn't really matter what you say or how you say it.  She won't take heed and will probably resent you for saying anything.  Better to keep your lip zipped.

It's a road she needs to go down alone.

Answer 12

at 25 he seems to be right on track. ur sister will never forgive you for not being supportive. i have to agree with everyone.. be happy for her that shes happy. and be there for her if it doesnt work out. shes going to need you and if you say something and ur right shell avoid u still for fear of hearing the inevidable "i told you so"

Answer 13

You should hold your tongue.  If she ever asks your opinion, you can say something, but otherwise don't say anything.  It'd be different if there was something wrong with him (i.e. he abuses her, cheats on her, is already married, etc.) but since you just don't think they're compatible that's not a good reason.

Answer 14

You believe that at 31 she doesn't think things out, but if you said something a light would suddenly turn-on ? Many happy couples have separate interests age differences etc. I don't see the grounds for judging them to be incompatible.

Answer 15

Do not say anything. She is obviously happy with him and he sounds like he is a nice guy. As long as he treats her well then that is all that's important.

And there is nothing wrong with them having different interests. It's good for people to have their own activities. Plus, he has probably opened up a whole new world to your sister and she might just enjoy it. When I first met my husband I had never been camping; my family just wasn't the type that did that kind of stuff - yeah, I love having my hair and nails done; but now thanks to him I also enjoy camping, canoeing, etc.

You don't know what their relationship is like - it sounds like they are happy. I wouldn't say anything and risk hurting my sister and possibly causing a huge row.

Answer 16

I wouldnt say anything.  As long as he isnt like beating your sister or cheating on her, its up to her who she spends her life with.  I know he is young but he did go to college and you said he has two jobs so that has to tell you he is at least alittle responsible.  Plus when he is out fishing and camping she wont be bored because she can get her nails done lol.  My parents are the same way and they have been together for over 20 years

Answer 17

Say nada. She could be planning to marry a guy who has been married three times, with five children, just got out if Jail for a DUI, and she has known less than a month.

Nothing you say will help, it will only make you the enemy.