Should I tell my son's girlfriend's parents?

Question

My son is 19 and in a great deal of trouble financially and legally. He was living with his girlfriend at her grandparents house when he wrecked his truck and arrested for a DWI among other charges that have him in a great deal of legal trouble. He owes the IRS a great deal from a previous job, they owe an apartment complex for a lease that they broke together and his drivers license has been suspended and auto insurance has been cancelled. She allows him to drive her car. He was living with us after his arrest but they have now moved into a motel together. She is the reason we had to ask him to leave our home because she had to be with him and got in the way of us helping him get on his feet. I don't believe her parents know the whole truth of the situation. I thought if I told them everything she would feel the same pressures we are with our son. Maybe her parents could make her see this is wrong and they would stop this nonsense or would it drive a greater wedge between us and our son?

Answer 1

Tricky situation. I'm am sure you have thought about either decision at length. I would suggest maybe calling them, but instead of divulging every little detail, just explain that you are worried about them. That they are young, and that the decisions they are making now can effect the rest of their lives. Instead of saying "My son has no license or insurance, and so on.." That at least will prompt them to ask their daughter some hard questions. I have been on the other side of this. My husband was the one with all the legal trouble. It worked out for us, but only after he hit rock bottom. Sometime the best thing to do is nothing at all. (except pray).

He is 19 and has to learn from his mistakes. Just make sure you are the shoulder to lean on, not the crutch to fall on. Good luck, I wish you the best outcome.

Answer 2

I think at this point it would cause greater harm than good.  It's not like either of them are living with her parents.  He is 19, and I'm guessing she's 18 or older, so there's really nothing anyone can do legally.  By trying to pry them apart, you're really only driving them together.  I would do one of 2 things...1. Wait it out.  No one likes to be in that kind of financial trouble, and he will eventually come to his senses, or she will get fed up and leav him.  2. Have them both move back into your house, under your rules.  That way you can prevent him from racking up more unnecessary bills (motel) and make sure he doesn't get in even further trouble.  Explain to his girlfriend that by driving her vehicle, she can also face fines, her vehicle impounded, and her license suspended, and that you want to help them both get on the right track.

Answer 3

In your same position, I think I would alert them that there are problems without giving them all the gory details.  See how they react before saying more.

If she is under age, she should not be with him, period.

If she is an adult, she is on her own anyway, just as he is, at least technically.

Question: is he so impaired that you should be his legal guardians?  That is, is he drinking, using drugs, mentally ill?  Should  you be going to court and having him declared incompetent so you have power of attorney and can control all his money and actions?  If not, then maybe you need to let go.  Check out Alanon and/or NAMI if you need assistance.  I am not asking this rudely, but as a person who has dealt with a family member with serious problems and knows many others who have had to deal with such problems, please know there is help out there if you need it as you work through your own role in all this.

Answer 4

Sounds like your son needs to start acting like an adult, and take care of his responsibilities. What amazes me is that such a loser could actually get a girl to stay with him. Im sure her parents are totally disgusted with the entire situation, so speaking with them isnt going to hurt, but isnt going to help either.

Answer 5

i think that this will divide you even more, that you already are. you son is 19 he's an adult, and i know you want 2 help him, but not only is the gf responsible but he is as well. i think you should get her parents involved and ask them to help you, by telling her that they need her to help him get back on the right track. if that doesn't help, you should take drastic measures, call the cops on him. make him spend a couple of days in jail. i know it sounds harsh but you need to do something drastic, to get his attention.

Answer 6

Let them both be. As hard as it is, you have to. They are both adults and are making decisions that they will have to live with. Tell your son that you love him, but, this is the path he has chosen and you don't agree with it and you can't pick him up when he falls again. It's his and her life. You can't meddle and telling her parents will definitely drive a wedge. Let him go. Just do A LOT of praying!