Should I tell my son about his birth parents??????

Question

Ok..My hubby & I are foster parents, we got a call for a 5 day old baby, who we ended up being able to adopt ! He is 2 now - He's our LIFE we love him sooo much!! (sorry just had to share how happy we are!) His birthparents abused & neglected his 4 siblings (who were ages 1, 2, 3, 5) when he was born. I was told the abuse/neglect was the worst that DCF has seen in my area. We plan to be 100% honest with him about being adopted. Also we want to keep a relationship with his siblings who were adopted by 2 other family's. (No one was able to take all 5 children under the age of 5!)

My question is how much should I tell him about his birth parents? When he is an adult - if he asks - should I tell him the extent of abuse/neglect that his parents did to his siblings, resulting him being taken at birth?? Or will this make him feel like he came from bad people and lower his self worth? We want to be honest, but don't know how much we should share? When he's an adult - of course. Any advise?

Answer 1

what i would do i would tell him the truth but i would also see if i can get the notes from dcf so that he could read in his own time and it would tell him everything he needs to know . He wont think he has come from bad people because you are his parents and you will be the one he will always look upto and admire. But i defiantly think that honesty is the best policy

Answer 2

I think you should stay as neutral as possible, let the file speak for itself, he will need to take it small bits, don't lie, but don't reveal too much, it will damage how he sees himself, your respect and discretion will make him feel more secure in your love.

Good Luck

Answer 3

I think it is great that you keep in touch with his siblings and their adoptive parents. As far as telling the child about his parents. I would say yes tell him, but only when he is ready. I would definitely wait until he is older. When telling a child about things like that timing is everything.

I don't think it will make him feel like he has lower self worth because he knows that someone who would love him unconditionally and take care of him right wanted him. If it were me i would feel grateful.

Good Luck. Hope this helps

Answer 4

This is a hard question.  I think that you should tell him everything if he is old enough to understand and handle it.  You have to keep in mind that he may start to ask questions before he becomes an adult.  I would tell him what is appropriate for his age.

Also if you are planning to hold off telling him he is adopted until he is an adult I would change that strategy.  He may find out earlier in which case he might resent you from holding information from him.

I don't think that he was able to become attached to his biological parents at only five days old I don't think it will lower his sense of self worth. Just try to help him understand that what they did and how they treated his siblings has nothing to do with him, it's not his fault.  I think he will be fine. Just answer all his questions truthfully.  Witholding information may make him feel like it was his fault.

Answer 5

You will know how much to tell him when the time is right. Don't sugar coat anything but don't be to harsh either. He may also get told some stuff from his siblings. I am sure he will have plenty of questions about everything that had happened and how he ended up being with you guys. Good luck : - )

Answer 6

TELL,HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS 2 KNOW.DONT HOLD BACK A THING.I GAVE MY TWINS UP AND THEY HATE THEIR PARENTS WHO ADOPTED THEM CAUSE THEY NEVER TOLD THEM THE TRUTH.ABOUT ANYTHING AND WHEN THEY DID THEY FOUND IT WAS ALL LIES.

Answer 7

hey,

i know what u r going through but maby you should tell him when he grows up or at a special moment but if you really love him then just tell him now!!!

Answer 8

I would wait until he's old enough to understand. The older children will eventually tell him something. Just make sure he can come to you with any questions or arrange a time to talk about this issue with all the sibs present. As long as he knows you love him, the past will be the past. This comes from experience as I am an adoptive mommy too. My daughter was the one from the abusive home. She started asking questions when she was 5. Keep it simple until she is old enough.

Answer 9

Be completely open and honest with him about everything. If you hide things or just don't say them then it looks like you have something to hide. If he really wants to find out then he will and when he does he will wonder why you kept it from him. Don't be affraid to tell him when he is an adult about the things that happened that resulted in him and his siblings being taken to better homes. It's not your fault those things happened but if your going to tell him he's adopted of course he's going to ask "why". Why as in what happened to his birth parents or what did they do. Your a loving family now and telling him all the details when he is older will not lower his self worth.

Answer 10

Nooooo do not say how bad it was.  Why on earth would you do that.  You can say they were not able to care for him.  Or you might tell him that they had problems that made it hard to care for their children.  Think of a way that you can say it was for the best, but totally do NOT tell him they were crazy abusive people.  It will not help him.

Answer 11

Absolutely, he deserves the truth.  Who knows, his parents may change but even if they don't, your son deserves to know the circumstances in which he came to live with you.  

He deserves to know what happened to his family, even if it's negative.  Sheltering him from it and having him find out later will make it worse.

Answer 12

i think you should tell him everything!!!!  And he should know how bad things where cause if he dont then he will never truly understand why he was taken at birth.  And you should keep in touch with his siblings.  I was adopted at birth and when i was 10 they finally told me that i had a brother and that just made me hate my parents for not telling me that he was there and for not letting me grow up with him.  So i diffently think that you should be completely honest with this child.

Answer 13

I have MAJOR  Advice to you: But first Congratulations!! [ you sound like a AWSOME MOM!]  First of all ALWAYS tell him he is adopted. since if you Truly are a good mom know this: YOUR BOY NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE HE CAME FROM . WHY? NOT BECAUSE KNOWING ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IMPORTANT BUT BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO IDETIFY WITH HIMSELF ( Facial features ect..) Anywho As far as his Birth parents go when he gets older and HE starts the questioning , then let it flow NATURALLY CONCERNING HIS QUESTIONS. WHATEVER HE ASKS YOU , JUST ANSWER HIM HONESTLY . Teenagers get pretty persistent about things . You will know what to say and what not to. My best advice? ANSWER WHATEVER HE WANTS BAD TO KNOW. JUST BE GENTLE OKAY?  Note: It will NOT lower his "self-worth" because he has YOU.

Answer 14

Seriously, you should have taken all of the children.

But to answer the question, tell him the truth. He will ask the same question......"Why didn't you take my siblings too?"

Answer 15

My inlaws have 3 adopted children..they're all blood related.  The two girls were old enough to remember their birth parents, but the youngest has no memory of them what-so-ever.  But he knows that he's adopted and he's perfectly fine with it.  He's known his whole life and it's never been a concern. The kids were 3-2 (years)and 4 months old when they were adopted out and now they're 15,14 and 12 years old.  I'd let him know right away..you don't want him to have trust issues with you guys later.

Answer 16

Can anyone imagine how challenging it may have been for the parents to have 5 children under 5 years... I do not condone any abuse or negelct, but it must have been a very stressful and chaotic envirenment.

I wish they could have had the help they needed to be a successful family

Answer 17

First of all this baby was not abused in the manner his siblings were. Or at least that is what I got from your question. So no need to go into any painful details of if or how the child was abused. That is a good, good thing. No child deserves to be abused. I believe that you keeping the siblings in touch is a wondeful thing, we all need the genetic mirroring we get from siblings/family. Now the hard part, to tell or not. In my opinion when the child starts asking questions, you need to give age approrpiate answers. Someday he will want to know all the details, perhaps sooner than you would like, but he will want to know. As a parent it is your duty to be as honest as you can be without being hurtful. His older siblings may very well (well they will IMO) have those memories and tell him themselves. It should not make him feel as if he came from bad people if done in the right way. He may well need some therapy and I also think you would benefit from therapy as well. Being prepared for any eventuality is a good thing. You must remember that all children want to know where and who they came from. Even the not so nice parts, our children adopted or not deserve those answers. Also waiting for him to be an "adult" is maybe not the best thing, as I said when he asks you give him age appropriate answers. Who knows someday his mother may come looking and may have gotten help for her problems, the father too. If that were the case I would hope you would be open to your son having a relationship with them, and to be able to do so without fear. No fear because your son will be prepared for this if you do it the right way.

Answer 18

This is a tough one. I think honestly no earlier than Middle School- but timing can be everything b/c middle school can be tough so you may not want to add to the stress at that time, not to mention waiting until the hormones in the teenage years! I think it all depends on the maturity of the child. If you child reaches middle school and you think he can handle it, tell him. If you dont' think he's very mature yet, maybe tell him he's adopted but not go into the details.

Answer 19

Hello concerned parent,

I truly admire you for adopting a child and giving your time, love and energy. Well, here comes my answer: you must be honest with your child and disclose information appropriately without dramatics. This means that you need to refer to the birth family as such birth parents. I would even advise you to seek out the help of a therapist to help you in the process of informing your child. The therapist will work with you in deciding how much to talk about and when to talk about it.

Sometimes we provide more information to children than they actually need.

Children are simpler and concrete. Adults often go into extravagant explanation when children need to be reassured.  Don't feel anxious because you will pass that on your child!

I understand that your child was abused and neglected (this is terrible.) Your child might still want to ask questions about his background when he grows up which is perfectly normal. The more information you can provide the better. Again, you will need to be supervised by a therapist because not all the information that you will provide is good and there are stages.

One might say to a five year old: "we prayed for a very long time to have a child and then you came into our life, we were blessed, or we picked you"

you can also create family albums together and have family rituals together to really solidify your sense of belonging.

You can celebrate your adoption day!

Well I wish you the best and keep in touch if you want more tips! My name is Jean-Pierre and I am in my second year of my MFT. I have a M.A in Education. I am also a father. Feel free to email me!

Answer 20

obviously if you keep in touch with his siblings he knows he's been adopted so I think its logical that one day he asks why he was put in foster care, and when that day comes make sure to tell  him the truth, you don't have to go into detail but he should know what happened to him and his brothers and sisters. I wouldn't worry about him maybe feeling bad about himself because of this, just make sure to let him know that just because his birth parents did bad things doesn't mean he will. nature vs nurture

Answer 21

The best part about this is that you have tons of time to figure out how and what you are going to tell your little one.  I'm sure you are going to raise him in a way that he will value his self worth and so, when he is old enough, he should be able to understand that just because his parents were irresponsible does not mean that he is irresponsible.  He is a totally different person.  I think you should plan on being completely honest with him, as he gains the proper maturity.

Answer 22

I think you should tell him the truth. Don't hide anything from him because you may always have that guilt like you wished you did tell him why you adopted him. When he's an adult or old enough to understand then you should tell him everything. He will understand. Best of luck to you! You and your husband sound like great parents :)

Answer 23

I would keep it vague...."Son we are so happy that we adopted you and that we have you in our life." When he wants to know why he was adopted, I would say smething to the efect of " Your biological mommy and daddy were not able to care for you like they should have."  The abuse that his siblings endured was terrible, but telling him about it would serve no purpose.  When he is an adult he can make his own inferences.

Answer 24

You should tell him as much as he can handle without badmouthing his birth parents. You could tell him that he and his siblings were taken away from the parents. Having all your children taken away means you were plenty bad but you don't have to mention that it was the worst case ever.

Answer 25

I was abused when I was adopted out to a home, and i was taken away into a foster home. My parents didnt tell me but I found out by reading my dads diary (I was desperate to find answers). This was bad, I was angry, resentful. I actually didnt care that I was abused, I cared more than my parents hid part of my own life from me. Like that piece of my life was insignificant or meaningless.

It is hard to tell, I would start off by saying, you parents didnt keep you because they didn't treat you and your siblings very well perhaps when he is about 7-9, , then leave it for a little while and wait till he asks about it If he doesnt talk to him about it again and tell him everything. Funnily enough I new about my foster brother's bad upbringing when I was 7 and I was able to take it well. It depends on him as a child.

Answer 26

You should probably tell him when he is older perhaps in his mid to late teens. You have many years before you really have to deal with that.

Please no one forced them to have all those kids so close together, ever heard of birth control?  If these parents couldn’t handle being parents they should have gotten fixed I have no sympathy for people who abuse children.  I don't care how stressfully and  crazy their life was, they choice to have several kids close together.

These kids are lucky they got saved when they did they are likely not to remember as many details of their abusive "Parents" ; it’s not a pretty memory just check out A child called

Answer 27

I think that it's wonderful that you are willing to be open with your son and remain in contact with his siblings.  It will be natural for him to seek out answers.  The best way to go about the subject is find some good books geared towards younger children and start reading them too him now.  As he grows tell him how lucky you are to have him a part of your life.  Answer all questions on an age appropriate level.  He'll more than likely ask before becoming an adult.  Just explain that part of be a parent is making sure that you are responsible for everything from making sure that he's fed well, has clean clothes, is shown love, etc.  Unfortunately his birth parents weren't able to do those things so he came to live with them and didn't have to go through the things his siblings went through.  My mom told me God smiled upon me and made sure I was somewhere safe and with people who loved me.  Even though some of the details maybe hard to swallow he has a right to know, feel angry or hurt by what they did.  Just support him, get counseling if needed and always make him feel loved.  Being brought up in a happy healthy home goes a long way for helping adoptee's cope with the circumstance surrounding their adoptions.  It's also been my experience that girls tend to question more than boys.

Answer 28

I think you will know when he is older. Once he is an adult, you will know how much he can handle, and if he really even wants to know. I dont think its anything for you to worry about right now. Just do what feels right then.

Answer 29

yeah its better that you tell him rather he find out for himself it is much harder that way

Answer 30

does he have an adoption file with all this information in it?

If he does, I would give him that when he is old enough to understand.  After all, his file is a part of his history and he deserves to have it.  Or at least a copy of it.

In the meantime, I would just let him know that he was adopted and that his b parents were not able to care for him and his siblings.

Personally, I would have been incredibly hurt if my adoptive parents said anything negative about my birth parents.  Truth or not.  Let the papers speak for themselves.  

Also there is a chance that the sibling might remember and tell him too.

Answer 31

I think the answer to your question will come when your son reaches the age you would tell him the facts concerning his adoption. It would depend on his emotional and psychological maturity and this is something only you will be able to judge. Even though very mature in his outlook it might present him with a lot of "baggage" to sort through. I don't know as I would say anything about the abuse unless he heard it from another source and asked me about it. If asked why you never told him tell him truthfully that you knew his parents had problems but didn't know if the details would hurt him. You will have to follow his lead as far as how much to disclose.